TITLE CARD: “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
SUPERIMPOSE: “(December 2017)”
INT. MODEST APARTMENT – NIGHT
MAN sits on couch next to WOMAN both looking a bit anxious. Intro bars of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” begin to play.
WOMAN: (singing; a bit coy) “I really can’t stay…”
Music stops abruptly. Man stands up and begins walking to coat rack.
MAN: OK, I hear what you are saying and fully respect your decision.
WOMAN: (surprised) Oh…
MAN: While there was no intention to initiate any sexual behavior, I understand that even without you saying the word “no” your lack of consent is implied for any possible “chill” following our “Netflix.”
MAN: May I please assist you with your coat, not to suggest that you are not fully capable of putting it on yourself, but only to avoid that awkward struggle of getting the second arm through the sleeve especially when you are wearing a chunky sweater.
WOMAN: Ah, sure…
MAN: As you place your arm in the sleeve, please be aware that I will ensure, to the best of my ability, no incidental physical contact or placing either of us in any sexually suggestive position.
WOMAN: It’s really not…
MAN: I am sending you a text that contains a brief summary of our conversation and ask that you please reply with acknowledgement that you concur with the accuracy of this summary or provide any additional information that more clearly represents your perspective of the situation.
Woman’s cell phone chimes and she pulls it from coat pocket.
MAN: Thank you, and just in case I gain any modicum of public recognition in the future and there is any question about the course of events this evening, could we please get a “thumbs-up” selfie to further indicate a mutual understanding of this moment? We can do a wide shot so there is clearly some space between us.
They pose for the picture both with thumbs up. Woman looks thoroughly confused.
WOMAN: This seems a bit much.
Man opens the front door.
MAN: Well, we can never be too safe, right? Thank you so much for a lovely evening. Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas or Happy Channukah or have a great night, whichever is least offensive to you.
WOMAN: Sure, you, too.
Woman steps outside. Man closes door.
MAN: (to himself with a little shiver): Ooh baby, it’s cold outside!