Match the celebrity with the reason you’d most like to sleep with them:
2. Ted Koppel
3. Mighty Mouse
4. Kristy McNichol
5. The Flying Wallendas
A. “Because there are eight of them, and they all have amazing balance and are very bendy.”
B. “To see if the carpet matches those red drapes.”
C. “Actually, if you could arrange a three-way with her and Beyoncé, that would be outstanding. Do you know the right people? Could we set this up? I mean, if you can get the Flying Wallendas, this should be no problem, right?”
D. “Because she was the most dangerous of the Apple’s Way siblings, though she never really crossed any boundaries, now that I think about it. I think she may have smoked a cigarette without father Apple’s permission once. That seemed pretty dangerous at the time. But then this was in 1974, and I was only 12. You know, maybe it was her bangs. The bangs, I guess. I guess it was the bangs.”
E. “That’s disgusting.”
Now, the answer to the clue, “What a robot hammerhead thinks with” might be “SHARK A.I.,” which is an anagram for Shakira. Rearrange letters in the names of the other four individuals featured in this week’s Brain Exploder to find answers to the following clues. Each name will be used only once and the order in which the names appear in the above puzzle is not necessarily the order in which they will be used below. We will choose one person at random from respondents with the most correct answers to receive a McSweeney’s book.
1. How you might suck up to a Japanese CEO dressed as William Wallace for Halloween.
2. Where you can find a good deal on bulk seaweed.
3. Prediction your Irish buddy won’t like French Impressionist.
4. Terse command for your tailor.
As always, there were several entries that might not have been technically correct, but we enjoyed them anyway. Note, before I get mail, that many of the following people also had the right answers:
THE NAME SOUNDS CHINESE, NOT JAPANESE, BUT WE SURE LIKE THE WAY YOU KISS ASS
“Scotch, Mr. Kyin Li?”
—Tami Strang (similarly, Meredith Payne)
NO RAISE FOR YOU!
“Cry on his McKilt.”
—Bill DeRouchey (Similarly Will Milford)
ALL THAT CLEVER WORK AND HE STILL COULDN’T COME UP WITH THE ONE WE WERE LOOKING FOR1. A terse command to your tailor involving a heretofore unknown asian slur: “Hem it, Soy Gum!” 2. A terse command to your tailor who is a Kundalini master/eccentric quotable former Yankee: “Yogi must hem!” (also David Provost) 3. A terse command to your tailor, with subsequent semi-apologetic explanation, before departing for a work-out: “Hem! I outs—Gym.” —Ben Skoch
WAN LIGHT THROUGH YONDER WINDOW BREAKS
“Sean fled wanly light.”
DUDE, WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING YOUR SUIT IN?
“Omit hems, guy”
—Meghan Leon (also Neil Haefs)
THERE’S A FINE LINE BETWEEN SUCKING UP AND HARRASSMENT
“Cinch Mr. Yo’s kilt.”
I KNOW THIS GREAT SEASIDE HASH BAR IN SPAIN
“De Kelp Pot.”
WE CAN’T ARGUE WITH EITHER ONE, REALLY
(Using Mighty Mouse for #1) Predicated on the assumption that said CEO is Yozaburo Mogi, president and chief executive officer of Kikkoman Corporations, which controls over 55% of the American soy sauce market: “Gosh, Y.! I’m mute!”
(Using Kristy McNichol for #4): “Cyril! Thin smock.”
THAT’S TERSER THAN WE WANTED
“Cinch my silk tro(users)!”
I’M NOT SURE IT’S A TAILOR YOU’RE LOOKING FOR
“Hum my stogie.”
IT’S AN ANAGRAM AND CHARLIE CHAN MYSTERY IN ONE
“Tug me. I’m shy,” “I’m Ho. Tug me, Sy,” or “Tug my shoe!… I’m…” [at which point he collapses, the tailor removes his shoe to discover the poison-tipped blade inside].
(Using Mighty Mouse for #3): “Guy shot mime.”
GIVING YOURSELF A LOT OF CREDIT
(Using The Flying Wallendas for #4): “Law said lengthen fly.”