(In February of this year, a band burst upon the American landscape like no other band had ever before, um, burst upon the American landscape. With two appearances on the “Late Show with David Letterman,” and one visit to MTV’s Total Request Live, Fresh Step danced and sang their way into the hearts of a grateful, prospering nation. They were five young, great-looking guys who had style, pizazz, stools to sit on and dance around — and one member even had little plastic barettes in his hair. Yes of course they were fake, a conconction of the “Late Show” writers, but that was not immediately apparent to a trusting American public, who visited their site — www.fresh-step.com — and reached out to Fresh Step: DJ, Jeremy, Corey, Jamie and Brad. What follows is a sampling of the letters received. A larger sampling will appear in the next print version of McSweeney’s.)
HI, I SAW YOU ON THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW. BOTH TIMES. D.J. IS THE HOTTEST, BUT ALL OF YOU GUYS ARE Really CUTE! ARE YOUR BIOS Really TRUE? I WOULD Really LIKE TO MEET YOU GUYS. ARE YOU GOING TO STAY A GROUP FOREVER? IF YOU CAN WILL YOU WRITE ME BACK? WELL I HAVE TO GO NOW. LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!!!!
LOVE YA,
LOVE ME,
TRISHA
P.S. WILL YOU PLEASE WRITE ME BACK? AND DID I MENTION THAT I LOVE YOU! THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.
Hey ya’ll I’d just like too say that your new single “Don’t Talk To The Hand (Girl, Just Talk To The Heart)” is the BOMB!!!! The song really touched my heart, seriously. I’m goin to tell all my dawgs about you. Ya’ll are so wicked hot!
Stay Fresh
Love, Peace and Fresh
Hey guys i just wanted to write and tell ya’ll!…that i said hey!..what cha beeen up to!?!?..huh huh!?!?..me nothing…much as always…besides my songs..i just wrote a new one….i am gonna mail it to you guys so that you can hear..it well listen i better get outta here mail me sometime!…hope to hear fromm ya’ll!!…
one love always,
Tina
Hey BOYS!
We’re five freaky fresh girls ( one for each of you fresh guys) from not so fresh Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. We’ve seen all your performances on Letterman (both of them) and your new song is so romantic!!! We won’t talk to your hands …we wanna talk to your hearts!! Fresh! You guys are so full of flavour just like beef stew .. .hey we had beef stew for dinner!! We have one important question: what’s the line after "Girl you’re high class like…a song by….blah blah… (that’s the part we don’t know!)???? Your new flick sounds soooooooo full of freshness! It must be wicked awesome! Can we expect it out in fresh theatres near us? We can’t wait to see it, it will be reFRESHing! We think you guys are sooooooo HOT! We all have our faves. Your choreography is kicking like your bodies. We would do anything to meet you, even when fresh comes to shove.
Do you have a fan club?
We wanna join!
E mail us about upcoming FRESH events!
2Fresh to the 2K FOREVER!
Love,
Christina (Kris-tee-nah), Neha (Nay-ha), Olisa (Oh-lee-sa), Rupinder (Roop-in-der), Gujinderfenderbenderpreet, (Gu-jee—that’s her nickname!)
wow! you guys are soooo cool! i love you. you are the hottest things to hit the planet since dinosaurs! (Although there were some pretty cute dinosuars!) Guys you are so freaky fresher than anything. you are number one in my book.
love from your number one fan,
Lia
Freshstep,
You guys blow. Using the word fresh 25 million times in a 2 minute single is not going to get you very far in the music industry let alone life. Your worst line is “i’ve got so much flava just like beef stew”. Man that sucks. And you’re ugly.
Subject: I’m so sorry to be harsh, but……….
I’m sorry but you guy are really bad. When I saw you guys on Letterman, I thought it was a joke. I thought that ya’ll were mocking the Backstreet Boys or something. I was laughing because I thought it was funny, then I realized that it was NOT a joke. Then I just felt sorry for you. I can’t believe that people will actually buy your music coz it’s not good at all. Also, unlike the Backstreet Boys, none of you are goodlooking, except maybe DJ, and he is not even that great. So you can’t even depend on goodlooks to sell records. Yeah, teenyboppers are stupid and w’ell like anything new and “fresh” but we’re not THAT stupid. You are no Backstreet Boys. You are also no N’Sync. You are ALSO no 98 degrees. And for what it’s worth, you are also no FIVE, or any other boyband out there. Y’all are just too fake! In the food chain of boy bands, you guys are fungus. Sorry. I’m sure that you guys know this because you are just regular guys who are trying to make a living out of this. But I just wanted to let you know that you guys look really rediculous. If you must keep on with this “fresh step” nonsense, atleast write better songs and get a better choreographer and just try to act more natural, not so fake-looking. Sorry I had to be so harsh, but it had to be said.
If I upset you in any way, you can write to me at:
i hate you all. Gay male groups have never been worse. Please put me on your mailing list. Can i get autographed photos.
Bye from T.B.
P.S. You guys suck
You are the greatest band that I have ever seen. Jamie, I went all the way to Safeway in Fresno, just to get the barettes you were wearing. I also went to Wal-Mart looking for some Fresh Step sheets or a t-shirt, but I couldn’t find anything. Please send me signed pictures of you. I want to hang them over my bed. My friend Theresa’s brothers girlfriend’s cousin taped the David Letterman show where you sang “Talk to the heart”. I heard that you played on the show before. What would I have to do to get a tape of the first show on David Letterman? My friend said that is was the BOMB!
E-Mail me back…o.k….don’t forget.
P.S. I really want a t-shirt to wear to school. Please e-mail me back!
Love,
Connie
Subject: Kitty litter purchasing information
I would like information on how I can purchase some Fresh Step kitty litter.I am a little perplexed as to why you have pictures of young homosexuals on a cat product page, but I guess that’s one way to sell a product.
You guys are freakin’ not fresh! I’ve heard some fresh bands in my fresh life, and I keep it real, but you guys suck.
F — Freakin’ pathetic
R — Really pathetic
E — Eternally pathetic
S — SUCK
H — How coud you be so freakin’ pathetic?
David
P.S. Stay fresh.
Subject: FELLOW SINGER
Date: Sat, 06 Mar 1999 11:04:46 -0700
Hey guys,
I’m an 18 year old country singer from Virginia, and I just released my debut album, To Be Continued. It’s great to see you guys making it in the music biz – I know how hard it is at our age to be taken seriously in the music industry. I have to deal with that every day of my life. Right now I’m also juggling college with singing, so things are tough. I saw you guys for the first time on Leno or Letterman I think, and I figured I would write you and wish you the best of luck and much success in the future. If you are interested, check out my site, for pictures and sounds, at http://members.xoom.com/sarasimms Keep in touch, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sara Simms
Dear Jeremy,
So glad to see you doing well. I always had faith in you even when you were a starving young actor eating pasta on male bonding nights at our house. Keep on flying higher.
Love Mrs. Lynn Gray