GOOD COP, AD COP
GOOD COP: Cooperate and I can help you.
AD COP: I can help you, too. I can help you take years off your appearance. Just sign this order form within the next eight minutes and you’ll get not one, but THREE jars of our special anti-aging cream. While you’re filling that out, fill out this confession, too.
GOOD COP, DAD COP
GOOD COP: First off, I want you to know that no one is judging you.
DAD COP: Except for me. I’m judging you. Why are we wasting our time with this loser anyway? He did it. No surprise there. Yep, the Big Disappointment screwed up again. Isn’t that right, Mr. Screw Up?
GOOD COP, GLAD COP
GOOD COP: Just tell us what happened and everything is going to be fine.
GLAD COP: Everything really is going to be fine! I look around and see the most commonplace things, and they inspire me! That chair you’re sitting in, those cuffs you’re wearing, the laceration you got from this violent interrogation. It’s all so beautiful. Life is good. Well, maybe not for you.
GOOD COP, GRAD COP
GOOD COP: I’m on your side, just work with me.
GRAD COP: Work? Just try to get a job now. I graduated from college and all I have to show for it is this robe and mortarboard hat I’m wearing instead of a police uniform. And student loans that won’t end until Halley’s Comet returns. You going to jail means one more job opening up. What? You’re unemployed? I can’t catch a break!
GOOD COP, MAD COP
GOOD COP: Would you like something to drink or eat while we talk?
MAD COP: How about some of my mom’s cooking? Might not get you talking, but it’ll get you puking. You picked the wrong day to break the law, you sonofabitch! Damn neighborhood kids keyed my car, my wife served me with divorce papers, and there was no whiskey left for breakfast! I’m in no mood!
GOOD COP, PLAID COP
GOOD COP: You look like a hardworking fella. Now tell me what you know so I can help. Us hardworking guys gotta stick together. Me? I’ve put 19 years in on the force. I earned my stripes.
PLAID COP: Stripes? No thanks. I wear colorful, hand-tailored suits of attractive criss-crossing patterns. They call me the Sartorial Rebel around the station house. And this rebel doesn’t care much for an unpatterned sleazeball like you. Hope you like solid-orange jumpsuits.
GOOD COP, RAD COP
GOOD COP: I don’t want to see you do time for this. I want to see you get help. But I need to know who your supplier is.
RAD COP: Dude. DUDE! You are so busted. Oh, bro, what were you thinking? You can’t stash your junk in your shorts when you see a K-9 unit approaching. Fido gonna sniff that good stuff. I’m gonna take this herbage down to evidence myself. See you two later.
GOOD COP, SAD COP
GOOD COP: Come, now. Your life isn’t over. You can still salvage what’s left of it by fessing up.
SAD COP: How is a person even capable of this? I read your case file and then had to visit my shrink. She put me on a high dose of Zoloft. Of course, that wasn’t enough, so she tacked on Abilify, because it’s FDA-approved to help with depression when added in small doses to certain antidepressants. Anyone have a tissue? Oh god, here I go with the waterworks again.