Use this guide to understand why your opinion about mid-pandemic schooling policy is wrong. If you believe kids should attend school in-person, read the first set of options. If you believe kids should go back to virtual school, read the second set of options.

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You want our kids to be forced to return to [IN-PERSON/VIRTUAL] learning? Have you no empathy?

I guess you’re okay with my child [GETTING COVID/HAVING A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS]. Because everyone knows that’s guaranteed to happen as soon as a kid [ENTERS A BUILDING/LAUNCHES MICROSOFT TEAMS]. You have no idea what the fallout would be if my baby [GETS INFECTED BY/IS DEPRIVED OF INTERACTION WITH] their friends!

Honestly, just say you hate [TEACHERS/PARENTS]. Because by forcing them to monitor these kids all day long during a global pandemic, you’re sending them straight to [THE HOSPITAL/FINANCIAL RUIN]. Maybe if you’ve never wrangled [TWO-DOZEN SCREAMING STUDENTS/A STINKY DIAPER], you should stay out of this conversation.

Haven’t you looked at the data? Don’t you realize that [COVID CASES/SUICIDE RATES] have spiked to unprecedented levels? It seems pretty obvious to me that those numbers are directly caused by kids [GOING/NOT GOING] to school in-person. And I’m pretty sure I saw a [TIKTOK/HEADLINE OF AN ATLANTIC OP-ED I DIDN’T READ] that corroborated that.

The science could not be more clear on this. There are millions of children who [STILL CANNOT GET VACCINATED/HAVE ALREADY SUFFERED FROM YEARS OF ISOLATION]. If we wait just a little longer to bring our kids back to classrooms, they’ll be dramatically more [SAFE/STUNTED]. How can you live with yourself, knowing you have absolutely no regard for the [PHYSICAL/MENTAL] health of our youth?

And what about the loss of learning? Have you considered the long-term implications of [SCHOOL BUS DRIVERS TEACHING THE ROCK CYCLE/LEARNING ABOUT THE ROCK CYCLE WITH VIRTUAL ROCKS]? It’s truly disquieting to see how far we’ve fallen from the flawless status quo that the American public school system was enjoying in 2019.

Meanwhile, it’s amazing how this issue makes people show their true colors. You may claim to be progressive, but here you are, working directly against [UNIONS/LOW-INCOME PEOPLE]. It just shows that when push comes to shove, elitist liberals will always put their own self-interest over [THE WORKING CLASS/THE WORKING CLASS].

Oh, and I love how you just assume that everyone has [HEALTH INSURANCE/RELIABLE WI-FI] and can easily [SEE A DOCTOR/LOG ON TO ZOOM] if they [GET SICK/HAVE AN ONLINE CLASS]. Just watch, a couple weeks from now, you’ll be dumbfounded, asking yourself, “How could [HOSPITALIZATION/TRUANCY] rates be surging so quickly?”

Now, you might try to convince yourself there are no good solutions to the schooling problem. You may think the real problem is that the United States has no viable infrastructure for childcare or public health—and that the burden of both has been unceremoniously dropped on the already precarious public school system. You could be tempted to believe that getting through this pandemic will take nothing short of comprehensive, national social programs that give parents and children all the resources they need, uncoupled from school, free of charge.

But honestly, that’s just an excuse for you to avoid the truth: that you are a [CRUEL/HEARTLESS], [IGNORANT/ARROGANT], COVID [DENIALIST/ALARMIST]. Up yours, [DIPSHIT/FUCKO]!