Our 17th most-read article of 2019
(Originally published September 6, 2019)

- - -

English department seeks a tenure-track assistant professor specializing in Shakespeare, Romanticism, Victorianism, modernism, post-modernism, post-colonialism, southern literature, Appalachian literature, African American literature, Caribbean literature, Irish literature before 1200, Croatian literature after 1853, Joyce, Chaucer, Hemingway, Morrison, Milton’s lesser works, those damn Ayn Rand novels our male sophomores want to read, the non-sexy D.H. Lawrence books, and Soviet-era science fiction after Khrushchev. Candidates are expected to teach a 4/4 load of freshman composition.

- - -

The Chemistry department invites applicants for an assistant professor whose research requires the outdated and esoteric equipment we have sitting around in our labs.

- - -

The Philosophy department is now hiring an assistant professor who can tolerate the toxic environment of our department. Special consideration given to candidates who will take Dr. Warren’s side in her 30-year-old dispute with Dr. Wyatt, that Foucauldian asshole.

- - -

The Economics department is hiring an assistant professor to fulfill all the service responsibilities that tenured faculty members refuse to do.

- - -

The Theater department is now accepting applications for an acting professor. Technically, you’re supposed to have a Ph.D., but we would totally waive that requirement if some famous movie star wanted to teach acting here.

- - -

The Earth and Atmospheric Sciences department welcomes applications from research scientists who want their work routinely dismissed or criticized by a large percentage of the public.

- - -

The College of Business seeks a new faculty member who can crush high-powered deals and make fat stacks, bro.

- - -

The Communication and Speech department seeks adjuncts who want to perform complex and intellectually demanding work for roughly the same hourly wage as a grocery bagger.

- - -

The Department of History invites applications for an assistant professor who will make enough leftist remarks to annoy conservative talk radio hosts but whose politics will ultimately support the neoliberal mission of the university.

- - -

The Department of Political Science and Public Policy invites applications for a full-time tenure-track position. Preference given to candidates who can publish enough to get tenure but not so much that they will outshine their mediocre senior colleagues.

- - -

Our struggling state-funded university would really, really like to hire an assistant professor of mathematics. The new faculty start-up package includes $27 in Yankee Candle Company coupons and whatever our retiring professor leaves in her desk.

- - -

The Computer Science department seeks applications for a lecturer who can teach online introductory programming courses. Position renewable every two years until we can replace you with artificial intelligence.

- - -

The Biology department solicits applications for the last tenure-track position this university will ever offer.