“… Authorities are investigating if the alleged beating constitutes a hate crime. I don’t know about that, but earlier this evening I was ready to pull a hate crime of my own on the heavy traffic out there. Let’s go to Julie in the Action News chopper to see if it’s thinned out. How ’bout it, Julie?”
“… Well, folks, that last story proves yet again how emotionally damaging incest can be. Thankfully, Mr. Food is here with an artichoke-dip recipe that proves yet again how emotionally satisfying a tasty appetizer can be.”
“… Thanks, Liz, for that poignant profile of that sweet little orphan boy. As always, viewers, if you’d like to find out more about our Wednesday’s Child, you can visit the Action News website. And if you’d like to find out more about Thursday’s Survivor: Exile Island event, which I host every week at the Applebee’s on Route 38, just visit my brand-new page on MySpace. I have 57 friends already!”
“… Speaking of date rape, the 23rd Annual Cat Show is under way and it’s as popular as ever.”
“… The fire left 19 people homeless and took over seven hours to burn out. If only my gonorrhea burned as long. Ouch! It keeps going and going! Just kidding. It’s pretty much all cleared up. Mostly. Regardless, Dr. Tim is here with a report about the best new prescription drugs for sexually transmitted diseases. Take it away, Dr. Tim. Please!”
“… Last night a tractor-trailer jackknifed across the median near the junction of Route 38 and Interstate 95. Nobody was seriously injured. Too bad it didn’t happen on a Thursday, because then they could have walked over to the Route 38 Applebee’s where I host the weekly Survivor: Exile Island viewing party. Last week was crazy. I totally outplayed, outwitted, and out-body-shotted everybody!”
“… Experts say speed dating’s popularity continues to rise. After seeing that clip featuring the hottie in the halter-top, something else is rising, too, heh-heh, if you catch my drift—that’s right: interest rates. Today the Federal Reserve recommended they be upped by half a percent.”
“… The teachers’ strike shows no sign of ending. Neither does my drinking problem. Hey, since we’re on the subject of problems, check out this footage of a German baby born with two heads. Yeesh!”
“… Studies show that one in every seven women will suffer from breast cancer during her lifetime. Phew. Thank God I’m not a woman. But if I were, I’d be a lesbian, ’cause I am all about the ladies. That brings us to our next headline: Four Maimed at Ani DiFranco Concert.”
“… Rescuers admit they hold little hope of finding the missing mountain climbers. It’s been over a month since they disappeared somewhere in the Andes. That means they’ve missed five—count them, five—Survivor: Exile Island events at the Applebee’s on Route 38. Remember: girls dressed in Survivor buffs get their first drink on the house, so be there or be square! The Clive has spoken!”