AT THE COFFEE SHOP
YOU: I’ll have an iced mocha latte and a good twist for the third act of my screenplay.
YOU: No Cigar.
BARISTA: Your name. For the cup.
YOU: Oh, not the name of my screenplay?
YOU: Just put “screenwriter.” I know it’s a lot of letters. I’m used to writing a lot of letters, you know, when I’m working on my screenplay.
YOU: You know, Close, But No Cigar? It’s a period drama about a conflicted Cuban cigar roller who—
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
DOCTOR: What brings you in today?
YOU: I’m feeling an itchy sensation and a burning desire to finish my screenplay.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I cannot help you.
YOU: With the itching, or my underdeveloped female characters?
DOCTOR: I’m a medical doctor.
YOU: That’s the title of my screenplay! Medical Doctor is a horror film about a conflicted Ph.D. in English who goes on a rampage because he’s not considered a “real” doc—
DOCTOR: Put your clothes on.
AT THE GROCERY STORE
YOU: I need all this peanut butter to give me the energy to finish my screenplay.
CASHIER: Credit or debit?
YOU: Yes, that’s the title! Credit or Debit.
CASHIER: Press the button.
YOU: Do you give cash back?
YOU: I need all the cash I can get if I’m going to finish my screenplay. Credit or Debit is a thriller about a conflicted bank robber who—
CASHIER: Cash Back is a better title.
YOU: [Stunned silence]
ANYWHERE IN PUBLIC
YOU: Did you drop this screenplay?
YOU: Oh wait, it’s mine.
STRANGER: Please don’t wave that in my face.
YOU: In My Face is a rom-com about the recipient of the world’s first full-face transplant who meets a conflicted—
STRANGER: Stop following me.
WHILST MAKING LOVE
LOVER: A little to the left.
YOU: A Little to the Left is a pornographic feature about a conflicted left-handed pizza delivery driver who—
LOVER: I’ll never orgasm again.
AT A WEDDING
OFFICIANT: Dearly beloved—
YOU: Is an action comedy about a polygamous bride who has to save her fiancé who has been kidnapped by his other wives in order to stop their impending nuptials.
YOUR FIANCÉ: Why are you interrupting your own wedding to talk about your screenplay?
YOU: Why are you marrying me if you’ll never orgasm again? You knew what you were getting into.
YOUR FIANCÉ: And I explore those conflicted feelings in my screenplay, With This Ring.
YOU: I don’t know why you have to bring up your screenplay all the time.
YOU and YOUR FIANCÉ: We both wrote screenplays.
OFFICIANT: I now pronounce you legally wed.
YOU: I’m here to pick up my baby.
CHILDCARE WORKER: Who?
YOU: My baby. My screenplay. I dropped it off this morning?
CHILDCARE WORKER: Oh, right. You.
YOU: You is a riveting documentary about a conflicted screenwriter trying desperately to talk about his screenplay.
CHILDCARE WORKER: Spare me, Jesus.
YOU: Did you hear that, children? I wrote a screenplay.
AT A FUNERAL
YOU: Dead to me.
MOURNER: What did you say?
YOU: Dead to Me is a sci-fi adventure about a conflicted scientist who travels to the afterlife—
MOURNER: Do I know you?
YOU: Probably. I’m a screenwriter.
BOSS: Hey, do you have a minute?
YOU: Barely. I’m so deep in my screenplay…
BOSS: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.
YOU: Awesome! Finally! Did you find the exposition heavy-handed? Does the resolution of my hero’s journey feel earned? Is the B-story grounded in truth? Does it sag in the second act? Is it conflicted enough?
BOSS: You’re fired.
YOU: You’re Fired is a comedy screenplay about an aspiring screenplay who is laid off and sets fire to a rival screenplay and the fire is put out by a screenplay about a brave volunteer firefighter who is also writing a screenplay—
BOSS: Get your things.
YOU: Do you know anyone in the industry?