I Would Like to Be Pope.
BY JOHN ORTVED
[Originally published February 25, 2013.]
Dear sir or madam,
I am writing to apply for the position of Pope. I recently received my Bachelor of Arts, or “artium baccalaureus,” from Dartmouth College, with a major concentration in Theatre Studies and a minor concentration in Computer Science. While I have been focusing on the technology and financial sectors, I have recently decided to widen my job search to include top non-profits, such as your organization. I became aware of the availability of the position of Pope through the Dartmouth listserv; I am greatly impressed by the achievements of The Catholic Church and share many of its goals. I believe my qualifications and outlook make me a unique and interesting candidate for Pope and I would be enthusiastic to grow with The Catholic Church.
Over the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to receive the kind of well-rounded education that is indispensible to today’s leaders, whether in the boardroom, the operating room, or the Vatican. My thesis project, a musical King Lear that took place entirely on Facebook, integrated my chosen areas of study, including Advanced Shakespeare, Social Media and Society and 20th Century History of Latin Jazz. As social chair of my fraternity, AXA, I not only increased the attendance of our weekly No Pants Parties by 30%, I successfully persuaded the Dartmouth Disciplinary Council to permit AXA to conduct internal reviews of alleged incidents of sexual harassment and bullying. I am a problem solver.
While I have never studied Catholicism per se, I have several credits in World Religions and, as the intern supervisor at the prominent, Oakland law firm of Russ, Davies & Chalmers will confirm, I am a quick study. Additionally, I have noted your organization’s expanding client base in South America. This is an area in which I am well versed, after spending an entire semester in Buenos Aires, where I became intimately acquainted with the people, their food and their culture. Well traveled and a man of the world, my Spanish language skills “hablar” for themselves.
As your website notes, the role of Pope includes “Guiding the College of Cardinals, and the masses.” Through my participation in the Freshman Buddy Program, I have helped many younger students through difficult situations, including homesickness and mono. I feel like it is important to give back, a value I believe any organization would appreciate in their Pope.
As an excellent student with advanced people skills and an exciting resume, with a desire to be part of a challenging, energetic, and reputable organization, I will be a valuable addition to The Catholic Church as your new Pope.
While I am focusing my employment search in the San Francisco Bay area, I am open to a discussion of relocation.
I thank you in advance for your consideration,
Available in print with
The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
SUGGESTED READSThe Catholic Church Moves Into the Information Age: A 21st Century Confession
by John Frank Weaver (12/14/2007)
Oh My Gawd: A Column About a Teenager Navigating Religion: Column 1: An Introduction
by Caroline Lazar (9/23/2009)
The Tom Tom Club Catechism
by Maureen Miller (5/5/2009)
RECENTLYThis is Finally the Turning Point in the Election
by Devorah Blachor (9/27/2016)
List: World of Warcraft Character or Prescription Medication That Has Been the Subject of a Class Action Lawsuit?
by Paul Bigioni (9/27/2016)
Rebunking Conspiracy Theories: 9/11
by Keaton Patti (9/27/2016)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/22/2016)
Our Tiny Home is Revolutionizing How My Wife and I Fight
by Daniel Carrillo (9/21/2016)
An Honest Intern Application Cover Letter
by Nick Hughes (9/19/2016)