Hello, everyone. I am Ivanka Trump — first daughter, adviser to the president, and advocate for women. As has been reported by media outlets such as the New York Times and Politico, I am the strongest proponent for the advancement of female and LGBT rights in my father’s administration, tirelessly working to influence his policies with my own socially conscious agenda.

PSYCH!! That was a good one, huh? Bet I got you there! Man, I can’t believe how many of you idiots keep eating this shit up!

Every day, I sit idly by tweeting meaningless platitudes while my father spouts racist rhetoric, enacts religious bans, bars transgender people from military service, and revokes protections for working women, but one call from an “insider source” to the New York Times can get me an article about how I am fighting very hard to exert my socially liberal influence. And you dumb motherfuckers eat it right up!

I mean, it’s so easy it almost isn’t FUN anymore, you know?

I honestly don’t even know why you naïve rubes keep falling for my act… oh wait, I DO. I’m blonde, beautiful, wear dresses that blend glamour and business, and have a tone of voice that is the perfectly calibrated level of soft hiss to make you think, “Wow, it sounds like Ivanka really does care!” Guess what — I don’t!

Many nights, Jared and I sit in our lavish mansion and just laugh and laugh about how much I’ve got so many of you complete shit-for-brains fooled. “Tiffany could never get away with this,” I often exclaim, “But I can! I’m Ivanka!”

All right. That’s enough for now, assholes. I have to go convince my father to bolster his parental leave pla — sorry, I couldn’t even get through that sentence without bursting out laughing! I have to go ensure that the labor practices being used in the Chinese factories that produce my shoe brand are sufficiently abusive. Be sure to buy my book, Women Who Work ! It’s 256 pages of trite and meaningless hot air disguised as female empowerment, but knowing you fuckwits, you’ll probably fall for it anyways.

Love,
Ivanka