[Originally published October 11, 2011.]
Thank you for taking the time to interview me for the junior analyst position at Rawles and Hilt. It was great to meet with you and learn more about the company. Please don’t hesitate to call or email if you have any more questions for me.
Also, I just wanted to say I’m sorry I bit you during the interview.
Obviously, there is no excuse for biting anyone. But I feel the need to explain what I was thinking at the time, in the hope that it might mitigate my disappointing conduct.
The interview was going fine, until you threw me a curveball. “Could you talk about your previous work experience?” you asked. I panicked. It’s clear to me now that I should have just answered honestly (“No, I can’t.”) But instead I shrieked and bit you hard on the collarbone. The instant after I’d done it, I knew I’d messed up. It’s a testament to your professionalism that you were even willing to continue our interview after such a regrettable lack of judgment on my part.
The second time I bit you I think I was just hungry. Full disclosure: I hadn’t had any breakfast that morning (Okay. Full, full disclosure: I’d had a small breakfast.) When your fingers passed near my mouth, they actually did that cartoon desert-island thing where they seemed to morph into sausages. I think I was still hungry for sausages after the sausages I had eaten right before the interview, so I bit you again. If I’d only stopped and taken a moment to assess the situation, I would have remembered: sausages don’t grow out of human hands. But unfortunately, I didn’t. The sad irony is that my briefcase was full of leftover sausages from breakfast. That’s why my résumé was so greasy.
The third time I bit you, it was supposed to be a joke. In retrospect, I’m not sure it came off that way. I was trying to break the tension created by me biting you and you being all weird about it. It was meant to be playful, like, “Ha ha. I’m biting you again, because I guess I’m ‘The Biting Guy’ now.” But after sinking my teeth into the tender flesh of your calf muscle and holding on for 30 seconds, it started to seem like you weren’t getting it. It’s obvious to me now that I was misinterpreting your screams of pain as screams of pained laughter.
The fourth time I bit you was honestly your fault. If someone who has already bitten you several times is standing on your desk, completely naked and snarling, don’t make any sudden movements! That’s practically a recipe for getting bitten. If this situation ever arises again, play dead. Lie on the ground in a fetal position. Curl your face toward your knees and make sure to protect your vulnerable neck area. This will tend to reduce the level of injury sustained in the event of an attack. Once I’ve realized you are not a threat I will generally show no further interest.
Frankly I think this all goes back to my childhood, when I would constantly bite people for no reason. I also did this as a teenager and an adult.
Regardless, I am extremely sorry for biting you. I hope you can look past this (not to mention my lack of experience with Excel macros) when making a final hiring decision. After all, who hasn’t freaked out and bitten someone during a job interview at some point in their life?
P.S. Please apologize to everyone I bit on my way out of your office.