There are twelve dream guests at my dream dinner party: Chris Rock, Meryl Streep, Tina Fey, Barack Obama, Caroline Kennedy, Steven Spielberg, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Beyoncé, Alex Trebek, Jerry Seinfeld, Oprah Winfrey, and Pope Francis. Each of my dream dinner guests must choose an entrée: Soft-Shell Crab Amadine or Spring Lamb Á La Broche Aux Primeurs. There are only six portions of each entrée and the selection of the entrees by my dream dinner party guests will be in accordance with the following conditions:

  • If Beyoncé eats Spring Lamb Á La Broche Aux Primeurs, Barack Obama eats Soft-Shell Crab Amadine.
  • When Meryl Streep selects her entrée, she does that super fun Sophie Zawistowski from Sophie’s Choice routine while deciding between the Soft-Shell Crab Amadine or Spring Lamb Á La Broche Aux Primeurs
  • I will regret inviting Alex Trebek as soon as he histrionically selects “Spring Lamb Á La Broche Aux Primeurs” as his entrée and I will wish I had invited Joe Biden instead. Then I will remember how bad I want to be on Jeopardy! Also, Oprah eats the same entree as Barack.
  • Chris Rock and Caroline Kennedy eat the same entrée
  • Steven Spielberg eats Spring Lamb Á La Broche Aux Primeurs if Te-Nehisi Coates eats Soft-Shell Crab Amadine

1. Which of the following could be a complete and accurate account of my dream dinner party guests and their entrees?

A. Crab: Chris, Caroline, Te-Nehisi, Barack, Oprah, Francis
Lamb: Beyoncé, Alex, Meryl, Steven, Jerry, Tina

B. Crab: Chris, Caroline, Beyoncé, Alex, Meryl, Francis
Lamb: Steven, Jerry, Tina, Te-Nehisi, Barack, Oprah

C. Crab: Te-Nehisi, Barack, Alex, Francis, Jerry, Tina
Lamb: Oprah, Beyoncé, Meryl, Steven, Chris, Caroline

D. Crab: Chris, Beyoncé, Alex, Meryl, Oprah, Francis
Lamb: Caroline, Te-Nehisi, Barack, Steven, Jerry, Tina

2. Which of the following pairs CANNOT eat Spring Lamb Á La Broche Aux Primeurs:

A. Alex and Francis
B. Meryl and Te-Nehisi
C. Tina and Steven
D. Barack and Caroline

3. If Meryl Streep and Chris Rock both eat Soft-Shell Crab Amadine, then which of the following must be true:

A. Beyoncé is eating Lamb Á La Broche Aux Primeurs

B. Someone is dumping a giant vat of eggnog on Alex Trebek’s big stupid head

C. I have run out of La Croix

D. Chris Rock has also just made a real Sophie’s choice

4. I invite Pope Francis to lead the blessing prior to my dream dinner party guests beginning their meals. Pope Francis refuses until someone relinquishes his or her Soft-Shell Crab Amadine for him since that is what he originally requested. Which of the following must be true:

A. Alex Trebek will likely go to hell

B. If Tina Fey wears the Princess Leia costume she wore in that episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon tries to get out of jury duty, then she can do whatever she wants at my dream dinner party

C. Barack will likely eat Lamb Á La Broche Aux Primeurs and let Oprah nibble

D. Steven is sitting next to Jerry and if Joe Biden were here we would all be doing the Macarena by now

My twelve dream guests at my dream dinner party must also choose between three desserts — Chef Rene Verdon’s Strawberries Romanoff, Reese’s Pieces, and frozen dulce de leche served with roasted pineapple, coconut snowballs, and caramel walnuts. There are only four portions of each dessert and the selection of the desserts by my dream dinner party guests will be in accordance with the following conditions:

  • Steven Spielberg does not eat Reese’s Pieces; also, his tolerance for people who line up their Reese’s Pieces and say “E.T. phone home” diminishes as the evening goes on
  • If Barack skips dessert to go surreptitiously smoke a cigarette on the lanai, then I will join him and give my frozen dulce de leche served with roasted pineapple, coconut snowballs, and caramel walnuts to Caroline Kennedy
  • Pope Francis giggles every time someone says “balls”
  • Alex Trebek will likely select Chef Rene Verdon’s Strawberries Romanoff just so he can pronounce it like the fuckface he is
  • If Meryl selects frozen dulce de leche served with roasted pineapple, coconut snowballs, and caramel walnuts then Tina Fey gets Reese’s Pieces
  • Te-Nehisi Coates and Chris Rock do not eat the same dessert.

5. Which of the following could be a complete and accurate account of dream dinner party guests and their desserts?

A. Strawberries: Steven, Barack, Alex, Francis
Reese’s Pieces: Te-Nehisi, Meryl, Beyoncé, Caroline
Dulce de leche: Chris, Oprah, Tina, Jerry

B. Strawberries: Chris, Oprah, Te-Nehisi, Meryl
Reese’s Pieces: Tina, Jerry, Beyoncé, Caroline
Dulce de leche: Steven, Barack, Alex, Francis

C. Strawberries: Steven, Oprah, Tina, Jerry
Reese’s Pieces: Chris, Barack, Alex, Francis
Dulce de leche: Te-Nehisi, Meryl, Beyoncé, Caroline

D. Strawberries: Te-Nehisi, Meryl, Alex, Francis
Reese’s Pieces: Steven, Barack, Beyoncé, Caroline
Dulce de leche: Chris, Oprah, Tina, Jerry

6. If all the people who are eating Chef Rene Verdon’s Strawberries Romanoff are seated side-by-side on the north side of my dream dinner party dinner table, then which of the following must be true:

A. Beyoncé is definitely sitting next to Caroline Kennedy

B. Chris Rock and Pope Francis are eating Reese’s Pieces

C. Tina Fey will not go near Alex Trebek

D. Barack Obama is likely smoking Marlboro Reds and flicking butts onto the street below

7. If Jerry Seinfeld and Te-Nihisi Coates both eat frozen dulce de leche served with roasted pineapple, coconut snowballs, and caramel walnuts for dessert, then which of the following CANNOT be true:

A. Chris Rock is eating Chef Rene Verdon’s Strawberries Romanoff

B. Even Pope Francis is really fucking sick and tired of Alex Trebek’s bullshit

C. Jerry Seinfeld and Tina Fey are throwing Reese’s Pieces into each other’s mouths

D. Meryl Streep has refused dessert

8. After dessert, the people who ate Chef Rene Verdon’s Strawberries Romanoff all share an Uber home. If Te-Nehisi Coates and Steven Spielberg do not share an Uber with Tina Fey, then which of the following could be true:

A. No one wants to share an Uber with Alex Trebek

B. Joe Biden is waiting downstairs in his Mustang to drive Barack home

C. Caroline Kennedy and Meryl Streep will likely carjack the Pope-Mobile and bring Pope Francis home with them

D. No one even wants to leave my dream dinner party because it was so fun