Attached please find my absentee ballot for this year’s Thanksgiving dinner. I regret that I cannot appear in person, but am grateful for the opportunity to participate remotely.
FAMILY OBLIGATION ABSENTEE BALLOT
I am requesting, in good faith, an absentee ballot due to (check one reason):
[ ] We’re doing the Riveras’ Thanksgiving this year
[ ] There was some trouble with flights (trail off convincingly)
[x] Things are really crazy at work these days
[ ] Jill Stein (Green Party)
FOR HOLDER OF THE TV REMOTE
[ ] Nephew Tommy (Steven Universe marathon on Cartoon Network)
[x] Scruffy (American Kennel Club National Dog Show, ft. live commentary from Scruffy)
[ ] Mom (VHS Recording of the 2003 Macy’s Parade because “that was the last good one”)
[ ] Dad (You would think football, but actually Steven Universe marathon on Cartoon Network)
FOR SAYER OF THE PRE-DINNER PRAYER/BLESSING/SPEECH
[ ] Whoever is the oldest
[x] Whoever will keep it short
[ ] Whoever went to mosque/synagogue/church/a PTO Meeting most recently
[ ] Whoever insists that we have a pre-dinner prayer/blessing/speech in the first place
FOR FIRST PERSON TO LEAVE
[ ] A shifty Grandpa who probably has a secret second family
[ ] A shifty Grandpa who definitely has an open second family
[x] Your sister, a shopper so dedicated she’s getting the jump on next year’s Black Friday
[ ] Aunt Becky, who claims she has to “get the jump on traffic.” Does Thanksgiving have traffic?
FOR LAST PERSON TO LEAVE
[ ] Exhausted parents (of 4+ kids) who use Thanksgiving as a de facto babysitting service
[x] Kurt. But that’s okay — we love Kurt!
[ ] The sad mailman who we invited on a lark but we didn’t think would actually show up
[ ] Tommy’s buddy Lucas whose parents won’t celebrate Thanksgiving because they believe it is a sick vestige of colonialism (they’re honestly not wrong, but like, jeez, y’know?)
REFERENDA ITEM #1 ON THE DELICIOUSNESS OF AHMAMA’S SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE
Shall we, the attendees of the Hillcroft family Thanksgiving, inform Grandma “Ahmama” Molly that her world-famous Sweet Potato Casserole is defined by a number of positive descriptors, including but not limited to: (1) “your finest work yet, and that’s saying something”; (2) “da bomb, gammy!”; and/or (3) “the best damn sweet potato casserole this side of [the nearest river]?”
[x] FOR acknowledging the magnificent power of Ahmama’s cooking
[ ] AGAINST having good taste
REFERENDA ITEM #2 ON WHETHER THE NEWS IS CRAZY THESE DAYS
Shall we, the mismatched peripheral family members who are seated neither at the Kiddie Table nor the Main Table, bring up how “the news is crazy these days,” knowing that this could well result in (1) an uncomfortable discussion of politics; (2) a banal series of platitudes which hint at our beliefs but are vague enough to avoid confrontation; and/or (3) a frighteningly detailed description from Uncle Gene about the latest murder the local news has been going on about?
[ ] FOR unnecessarily entering a minefield of a conversation with no foreseeable upside
[x] AGAINST sussing out which family members need to be purged from next year’s invite
I certify that I am a registered member of this family, that the information in this document is true and correct, and that I genuinely can’t make it this year and am not flaking just because I don’t want to travel several hours to spend an awkward afternoon with people I have nothing in common with but flesh and blood.
[x] Screw it, I’ll be there.