Anglerfish mating is a horrifying process in which the male latches on to the female, and in exchange for her life-sustaining blood, he loses almost all his internal and external organs. To the female, he is nothing more than a sperm bank that she can withdraw from when she so chooses. This is the story of Brad, the male anglerfish.

Three male anglerfish, Brad, Jason, and Peter are treading water in a triangular formation. They are all super horny.

BRAD: Bro, if I don’t fuck something right now, my fish nuts are gonna explode.

JASON: I feel you man. This shit is getting embarrassing. I mean we’re almost SIX years old. What are we doing with our lives?

PETER: Are you guys serious?

Brad and Jason stare blankly at Peter with open mouths. A small crustacean slowly swims into Brad’s mouth. Brad doesn’t notice.

PETER: You do NOT want to mate. Trust me. My cousin told me all about it. The stuff girls do to you… it keeps me up at night.

BRAD: (elbows Jason and starts to pantomime jerking off) Hehe, yeah, I bet it does.

Jason and Brad burst into laughter, which goes on for a full two minutes, stopping only when Brad noisily shits out the crustacean from earlier.

JASON: Dude!

BRAD: Safety.

PETER: No guys, seriously, they’re bad news. As soon as you start, they…

Peter trails off and starts to sniff the air. Brad and Jason do the same. The camera zooms in on Peter, and we see his face slowly morph from confusion, to recognition, to pure terror.

JASON: Is that what I think it is?

Brad, the dumb one, is the last to recognize the scent, but as soon as he does, his eyes grow wide with excitement.

BRAD: Holy shit! That’s the fuck smell! It’s time baby! All aboard the fuck train! WHOOOOO!

Brad immediately makes a beeline in the direction of the smell. Jason and Peter follow.

PETER: Brad! Wait!

BRAD: Fuck that dude! I’m getting some.

Jason grabs hold of Peter, slowing him down.

JASON: Let him have this one, bro.

PETER: You don’t understand! He’s in danger!

Jason has already lost interest and starts to lick a piece of seaweed.

PETER: Forget it.


Brad continues to follow the smell, and after a while, he spots a faint glow in the distance. Brad reaches into his fish pocket and applies way too much AXE body spray, and brings his cross chain to his mouth for a kiss.

BRAD: You’ll always be my wing-man, fish Jesus.

The glow continues to grow, as it does we can see the light is actually the end of a fleshy stalk growing from the temple of the female anglerfish. It is massive, significantly larger than Brad. Brad is in awe.

BRAD: DAAAAMN girl, do you work at Subway? Cause you’re giving me a foot long.

Brad reaches down and aggressively grabs his junk. The female is motionless. Anyone with common sense would realize this is not a creature you want to fuck with. In any sense of the word. Of course, Brad is undeterred.

BRAD: Silent type huh? That’s cool. You ain’t gotta say nothing girl. That mouth ain’t for talking, it for sucking, hahaha.

One of the female’s eyes slowly turn to face Brad. It is the stare of a monster. Brad approaches her cautiously. He reaches out a flipper and taps the female.

BRAD: Yo? You down to clown?

She says nothing. Brad thinks about it for a second, before shrugging, a toothy grin spreading over his face. He swims forward and bites down, latching into her body. As his teeth puncture her skin, she lets out a guttural, bone-chilling shriek that pierces the silence of the water. Her blood starts to fill his mouth.

BRAD: (struggling to talk with a full mouth) Aw yeah girl, give it to me! This is what I need! This is — hey what’s going on? What’s happening? Hey, that hurts! That — OW! FUCK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! THIS BITCH IS CRAZY!

The female’s tissue and circulatory system begin to fuse with Brad’s. He screams, but it’s too late. She has what she wants. Brad’s eyes start to dissolve, along with his fins, teeth, and most of his internal organs. He can feel the sperm being drained out of him. When she’s satisfied, she bats Brad away with her fin, and swims off. Brad floats motionless. Off in the distance, we hear a faint, but steadily increasing voice.

PETER: Brad! Brad! Brad!

Peter is in view now, with Jason just behind him. They reach Brad, and recoil in horror at the sight of him. After a beat, Jason approaches him.

JASON: Brad. You good?

BRAD: (murmurs something incomprehensible)

JASON: Dude how’d it go? What was she like?

BRAD: (softly) Jason? Is that you?

JASON: Yeah, it’s me. Peter’s here too.

BRAD: Peter! My man! I just fucked my brains out! It was IN-SANE! (He coughs, and his partially dissolved large intestine slowly drifts out of his mouth)

Brad’s speech is garbled from the lack of teeth, and he’s bleeding out of every orifice.

PETER: I can see that.

JASON: So, how was the chick?

BRAD: Oh dude, total smoke-show. Ten outta freakin’ ten.

Brad is not looking good. His entire body appears to be splitting in half, and his blood is now a very scary shade of green. He finally takes notice of his condition.

BRAD: Don’t worry about me, bros. I’m going to fish heaven now. And me and fish Jesus is totally gonna flipper-bump me after I tell him how I got my fuck on.

Brad barely gets the last few words out, as he starts to violently choke on what’s left of his insides. He starts to sink deeper and deeper, before hitting the ocean floor with a thump, kicking up a swirl of dirt. As his entire body turns to mush, his chain remains intact, the moonlight flickering off its golden chassis.