McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s 7th Most-Read Article of 2016
HUANG, JAMIE, age 14, died suddenly upon seeing a tiny labrador puppy walk successfully through a set of revolving doors.
PHILLIPS, EMA ARLENE, age 15, passed away when she saw Taylor Swift exiting the neighborhood gym. She died three times before realizing that the woman was not in fact Taylor Swift, whereupon she died once more.
THOMAS, MORGAN, age 15, tasted the perfect mango mousse cake just before succumbing to death. During her life, she was a “mousse lover.” She loved mousse. She was tragically killed by the perfect mousse.
HRUBY, SIERRA, age 13, heard that Emma said Dan told Rebecca that Maggie was hosting a party that Henri would also attend, but it was actually Rebecca who told Dan that Molly was throwing a get-together and Emma was wrong, but it was so confusing that she just gave up and died.
BRENNER, LIANNA, age 15, lived a healthy life until she made the fatal decision of watching a video of a puppy splashing in a puddle. She clung to religion until the very end, crying out to God via the YouTube comment section, typing “omg omg” in interest of time, but it was too late. She was dying, dying, omg, and then proclaimed dead.
LEE, RACHEL, age 14, suffered from an asthma attack at the local dog park. When she cried out in fear of death, her friends responded, “I know, the puppies are so cute!” and “I didn’t think my joke was that funny.” Genuinely unable to breathe, Rachel… actually passed away. Her memorial service will be next Saturday afternoon at St. Paul’s Cathedral. All are welcome.