CAPTOR: Vicki Carnavale, 11, Utica, NY.
HOSTAGE: GameBoy belonging to David Friendly, 11.
THE FACTS: Vicki has been holding the GameBoy since Friendly was caught looking over her shoulder in class to see how to make a cursive “Q.” Friendly has not been able to see or touch the gaming device since noon Monday, when the batteries were thrown out the window by Carnavale’s best buddy Jodi White. White claims she never saw the device and that the battery toss was a dare that had nothing to do with any punishment Friendly is receiving from Vicki. Friendly knows he can’t tattle either because currently his report card is filled with more "N"s than "S"s, in fact, sources say the only “S” he’d probably get is in copying other’s work.
COMMENT: “The ‘Q’ looks like a ‘Z’ or a ‘2.’ I was supposed to be held back last year, so I obviously need some instruction. It was my plea for help. I was crying out. No one listened, and they just reacted violently, and now I can’t even console myself with video games.” —David Friendly
CAPTOR: Raymond Mussbita, 47, Pensacola, FL.
HOSTAGE: Eukanuba brand dog food, intended for Parris, a Cocker Spaniel, 4.
THE FACTS: Mussbita won’t let Parris eat any dinner after 7 PM. Parris got into a carton of Breyer’s Butter Brickle ice cream at midnight Sunday and, in Mussbita’s words, “Turded on the linoleum.” The dog will not confirm or deny this charge. Mussbita says the dinnertime change is “only trial,” until his wife Gloria gets back from Columbus, OH.
COMMENT: “She’s visiting family. She’d be none too pleased, but I’m drawing a line here. I’m in charge until she gets back. What I say goes. It’s up to me to issue a punishment. ‘Cause I’m boss. I like ice cream and it isn’t fair. I’m really trying to run a tight ship here. And a clean one. And I’m judge, jury, and executioner of this animal. I’ve gotta return some adult videos and then this dog will get more than a talking-to.” —Mussbita
HOSTAGE: One copy of an August, 1988, Reader’s Digest.
THE FACTS: Magazine was accidentally left behind by actor Andy Garcia in October of 1995. Cuba wonders when Garcia would like to come pick it up.
COMMENT: “When, Andy? You think we have room for all your crap here? That’s pretty fuckin’ selfish. ‘Oh, Cuba loves Reader’s Digest. Leave a bunch there.’ Listen, Reader’s Digest is BOR-ING, pal. It’s only about 3,000 miles to the right of what we’re trying to do down here. It’s propaganda, Garcia. You think ‘cause you got kind of a cute nose, you can sneak that crap down here? And what? Maybe a maid reads it? Gets some ideas? Ain’t no maids readin’ Ingles down here, fella.” —Cuba
CAPTOR: Duluth Shriners, Duluth, Minnesota.
HOSTAGE: Juicy gossip.
THE FACTS: The Shriners won’t let that bitch who tried to sneak soy cheese onto one of their olive pizzas at Rudy’s last Friday come and listen to their gossip when she takes their orders now.
COMMENT: “No reason to lie about running out of mozzarella. We woulda just eaten more bread. Instead, Ernie’s jaw heated up real bad, like it always does with soy-based products. He can’t tolerate ‘em. And we, as Shriners, don’t tolerate waitress-lying, or fraud.” —Lucky Pendergast, 62
CAPTOR: Texas State Troopers, El Paso, TX.
HOSTAGE: Radar detector belonging to Dutch Weebso, 37.
THE FACTS: Weebso is irate that Texas State Troopers issued him a speeding ticket just outside of Plano and confiscated his radar detector.
COMMENT: “Hello? I’m trying to earn a living, please. I’d like my electronic monitoring device back. It is not a radar jammer. The catalogue says so. Jesus H. Christ. It’s just a traffic monitor.” —Weebso
HOSTAGE: Extra socks.
THE FACTS: Origin unknown. They will give them back.
COMMENT: “But we need bananas or espresso.” —Romania
CAPTOR: Veltri Insurance of Pomona, California.
HOSTAGE: Gus Knowles’ Jeep Wrangler.
THE FACTS: Veltri will not let Gus’s wife look at the vehicle he drove through the front window of Jamba Juice last Saturday morning.
COMMENT: “We’re getting some appraisals. And due to the charges Gus faces, and due to the comment he said about his brakes not working to us, we’d rather not show any family members the vehicle. Plus, his wife keeps books at a body shop. The Knowles have already tried to get clever with us. We have to draw a line in the sand that the Knowles can cross. I mean can’t cross. Or if they do cross it, why, there should be a tariff. A steep one that would make them think twice about fraud and line-crossing.” —Doug Kemmler, Veltri VP