Pottery Barn Catalogue Descriptions Written by an Aspiring Crime Novelist.
BY KATE HAHN
[Originally published October 30, 2013.]
The door to the Farmhouse Armoire stands slightly ajar, revealing room for a 60-inch television and something more sinister. Look closely at the Morgan Cachepot across the room, and you will see reflected in its gentle curves the silhouette of an escaped maniac hiding inside the wardrobe. Quick thinking and a rustic iron latch will hold the madman until the police arrive. The solid pine doors can withstand the pounding fists of a captive lunatic, but not ammonia-based cleansers.
A cheerful blaze crackles in the Outdoor Copper Fire Pit, but no one sits within the safe circle of its warmth. The oversized Harbor Adirondack Chairs hold only ghosts of past resentments. Note that the vintage-style croquet set is missing two mallets. Just beyond the frame, a long-simmering sibling rivalry is playing out with these sturdy retro game-pieces. Adirondack seat cushions, which in this case may contain DNA proof that definitively answers the paternity question, are sold separately.
Our Newport Double Sink Console has turned legs and a white finish reminiscent of a cozy beachside cottage, but tight quarters can ignite tempers. Beside the porcelain sink, M and A’s monogrammed towels lie folded haphazardly, as if tossed down in anger. Clearly, the Carrera marble countertop, imported from Tuscany, was too painful a daily reminder for M of A’s “secret” Italian lover. PB Essential towels in 13 colors, ideal for mopping up crimes of passion, can be stored in the cozy cubby below the cabinets.
Only the brave dare open the hinged lid of the Taka Storage Trunk (espresso only), which is large enough to contain not one but two adult bodies. Hinges should be oiled periodically.
It is hard to see why anyone would abandon the generous Pearce Sectional Sofa, so we must assume that whomever was under that cozy throw was taken by force. More signs of abduction: reading glasses left atop a rare antique encyclopedia, a half-finished glass of wine, and a decorative conch shell that has tumbled to the floor, not to mention the wide-open French doors. Fortunately for missing-persons investigators, the Sisal Rug is a natural evidence-collector.
The cabinets of the Logan Collection Modular Office Suite are wide open, as if someone has been interrupted in the act of rifling through them. A clue can be seen on the chalkboard: the hastily scribbled phrase, “Return Book to Matt.” Was an impatient Matt mistaken for an intruder and dealt an unintentionally fatal blow by the book borrower? The PB Grand Phone looks like a vintage rotary model, but push buttons make it easy to call 911. That is, unless the book borrower decides to cover up her crime.
SUGGESTED READSList: Catalog Headlines That Made Me Daydream of Big Success
by Dan Kennedy (1/14/2002)
List: Life Advice Gleaned from the Bliss Spa Beauty Catalog
by John Glassie (1/28/2002)
List: Pattern Options for Scrubs in the Jasco Uniform Company Catalog
by Ed Page (3/25/2002)
RECENTLYPride and Prejudice and Trump
by Megan Quinn (9/28/2016)
Women Who Should Be Pretty Pissed Off: Eliza Hamilton Was Not Helpless
by Amy Watkin (9/28/2016)
List: The Ways People on Dateline “Had it All” According to the Family Cat
by Dan Rozier (9/28/2016)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/22/2016)
Our Tiny Home is Revolutionizing How My Wife and I Fight
by Daniel Carrillo (9/21/2016)
An Honest Intern Application Cover Letter
by Nick Hughes (9/19/2016)