At the Bookstore
Good morning. I should like to purchase these volumes.
Okey dokey. Let’s see, the Dean Koontz boxed set, Canning at Home, and the new James Garfield biography. That will be $72.31 with tax. Would you like a bag?
No, I’m going to juggle them on the way out.
YOU exit through front door, juggling the volumes with ease.
Tipping the Movers
That’s the last of the boxes, there.
Thank you. Here is a shiny fifty-cent piece for each of your men, and an extra Susan B. Anthony dollar for you.
I will be sure to recommend your services to others.
You understand that we know where you live, don’t cha?
Yes, you certainly do.
* Alternate if Your Name is Also Jake
From one Jake to another … you certainly do.
Ordering Pâté de Foie Gras
I’d like a tureen of your finest foie gras, Pierre.
My name is David.
You French are not known for your sense of humor.
This is a library.
And at these prices, I can see why.
You are sitting in a potted palm.
See, did you even get that? “And at these prices, I can see why.” Get it?
Enjoying Girl Talk with Jodie Foster
So I’ve got an idea for my next project. A sequel to Freaky Friday. It’s called Mutanty Monday. I play my own mother and also this girl pianist with three arms. Gotta get the rights from Mary Rodgers, though.
There a part for me?
Of course, Holly! You play the piano.
So, how about that John Hinckley Jr. thing, huh?
(picking up the phone)
The Cube Root of 162
Hmm. Dang it, I need the cube root of 162 and my calculator’s at the dry cleaners.
How many significant figures?
Fourteen, actually. I know it’s a lot to ask.
No problem. 5.45136177849642.
* Alternate if the Requirement is for the Cube Root of 163 Rather than the Cube Root of 162
No problem. 5.46255557128140.
Meeting the Puppet-Leader of an Oppressed Country the Day After a Bloodless Coup
From my country to yours I am extending a most beneficent hand in empathy.
It is an honor.
Can you order your houseboy to please direct me to your facilities?
Your accent, it is impeccable.
Yes, isn’t it?
Not Winning $1,000,000 in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes
We’re here at the home of our latest million-dollar sweepstakes winner, Mrs. Sally Fantine of Fresno, California!
Are you Mrs. Sally Fantine?
Yes … Oh my god! You’re Ed McMahon! Have I—
You bet you have, Sally! You’ve won $1,000,000!
(sitting in front of a television)
Damn it all! I forgot to mail my entry.
GHOST OF JAMES GARFIELD
That doesn’t matter. I heard that they only pick people who order the magazines.
(succumbing to a sudden heart attack)