Oh, so you’re planning to be a [stay-at-home / working] mom once your baby is born? Ha! More like a [slacker who just wants an excuse to binge Real Housewives in her pajamas all day / heartless bitch who doesn’t care about her kid].

You might think that [staying home / working] is best for your kid, but [it’s not healthy for kids to be around their mothers 24-7 / mothers should really be around for their kids 24-7].

Everyone knows that you [staying at home / going back to work] is actually the worst thing for your child. Thanks to you, your poor baby will be [stuck in a bubble with its brain rotting from zero socialization / neglected while it cries for hours in baby jail, a.k.a. daycare] and probably grow up to be a serial killer. I believe Jeffrey Dahmer’s mom [stayed at home / worked outside the home].

What does your husband think of all this? I think he should [stay home / work] instead. Dads who [nobly sacrifice their careers to raise the next generation / toil away at the office to provide for their families] are amazing and don’t get enough recognition. Fatherhood isn’t easy, you know.

What you’re doing is such a waste. You’re going to [throw away your hard-earned education / go against your natural biology] just to [change diapers / stare at a screen] all day? Last time I checked, I thought you were a [feminist / feminine and nurturing soul], not a [cliché / girlboss who’s trying too hard to “lean in”].

Think about how selfish you’re being. Hasn’t it occurred to you that [working a real paying job that benefits our economy / raising your own child] is the single greatest thing you can do to contribute to society?

As for finances, so what if you say that [your salary is too low to justify going back to work / your family needs your salary and you have no choice but to work]? Nonsense. My grandmother [worked eighteen hours a day in a sock factory for three cents an hour / stayed home and raised twelve kids while her husband delivered newspapers to support the family]. I practically did the same thing! Do you think you’re better than me?

You’ll regret this one day. I guess you’re fine knowing your child is going to [grow up thinking that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and never aspire to do anything meaningful in life / take their first steps without you, call the daycare workers “Mom,” and never contact you again after they turn eighteen, until it’s time to chuck you into a nursing home just like you dumped them in daycare].

And oh, I almost forgot—congratulations!