Operation “Say Hello to Your Little Friends”

The BABY-SITTERS CLUB (“BSC”) is an organized crime enterprise that rose to power in the wake of the major Mafia busts of the mid-1980s. Its members terrorize families and businesses in Stoneybrook, Connecticut, via EXTORTION, LABOR RACKETEERING, and KIDNAPPING activities. The Club aggressively forces its babysitting services on parents and demands “protection money” in exchange for their children’s safe return.

The BSC is a nearly impenetrable organization (Fig. 1). To become a “made” babysitter, one must be of babysitting “heritage” (i.e., members must demonstrate their natural babysitting instincts) in addition to possessing a shrewd criminal mind.

Fig. 1

Figure 1 is titled "BSC Crime Family." The image contains a flow chart reminiscent of a Mafia family tree. This chart illustrates the hierarchical structure of the Baby-Sitters Club as determined by the FBI. Boss Kristin "Kristy" Amanda Thomas is at the top. Her mother, Elizabeth Brewer (née Thomas) is her consigliere. Beneath Kristy is Underboss Claudia Lynn Kishi. Beneath her are the four caporegimes (a.k.a. "capos" or "captains"), Anastasia "Stacey" Elizabeth McGill, Mary Anne Spear, Dawn Read Schafer, and Abigail "Abby" Stevenson. Beneath the capos sit the two soldiers, Jessica "Jessi" Davis Ramsey and Mallory "Mal" Pike. On the lowest level sit two associates, Logan Bruno and Shannon Louisa Kilbourne.

To permanently dismantle the BSC Crime Family, the FBI must target babysitters at every level, with an emphasis on neutralizing the tyranny of KRISTIN AMANDA THOMAS.

Ms. Thomas’s “great idea” spurred the creation of the BSC, and she rules with an iron fist. Her reputation as a vindictive and ruthless leader precedes her, as does her bossiness. The citizens of Stoneybrook rarely cross her for fear of physical retribution from her roving team of softball-bat-wielding enforcers (known locally as “KRISTY’S KRUSHERS”). People are particularly terrified of JACKIE RODOWSKY, a Krusher whose high body count earned him the nickname “THE WALKING DISASTER.”

Ms. Thomas’s right-hand girl is MARY ANNE SPIER, a tight-lipped menace who meticulously schedules the Club’s childcare engagements. Ms. Spier is suspected of violating CHILD LABOR laws by allocating an inordinate volume of babysitting gigs to higher-ranking Club members.

ANASTASIA ELIZABETH MCGILL controls the pocketbooks of the operation and collects weekly “moola-shmoola” at BSC meetings. Ms. McGill aids her fellow babysitters in TAX EVASION by cooking the books and failing to declare their childcare income.

After conducting round-the-clock surveillance on CLAUDIA LYNN KISHI, the FBI has identified her residence as the BSC’s official meeting spot. Attempts to bug the home have failed thus far, as agents are unable to sneak past Ms. Kishi’s older sister JANINE KISHI, who rarely leaves her room.

The younger Ms. Kishi purchases tremendous quantities of “junk food” at a frequency suggesting that solo consumption would be unsustainable for a person of her age and size. The “Doritos,” “Mallomars,” “licorice whips,” and miscellaneous wrapped “snack cakes” are likely part of a DRUG TRAFFICKING scheme. After smuggling illegal substances, contraband, and paraphernalia into her drug den via junk food packaging and hollowed-out Nancy Drew hardcover books, Ms. Kishi sells them for a hefty profit so she can afford her expensive art supplies. (The FBI has not ruled out ART FORGERY as a possible charge.)

ABIGAIL STEVENSON replaced Capo DAWN READ SCHAFER, who split off to form the WE ♥️ KIDS CLUB, a rival Babysitting Crime Family on the West Coast. Mafia history dictates that war in “Sitterland” is imminent.

Soldiers MALLORY PIKE and JESSICA DAVIS RAMSEY weaponize their cherubic disposition to travel inconspicuously through the streets of Stoneybrook. These two “wisegals” perform the organization’s dirty work to keep the higher-ups’ hands clean.

All levels of the BSC are suspected of INFILTRATING A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS via Stoneybrook’s great Italian mainstay, PIZZA EXPRESS. The restaurant supplies the Club with fresh tomato pies for their “Pizza Toast” (Fig. 2)—a nefarious initiation ritual in which the “made” BSC members tap their individual slices of pizza with the other babysitters’ slices, mimicking a celebratory “cheers.”

Fig. 2

Figure 2 is titled "Pizza Toast." It contains a minimalist design, with outlines of two pizza slices, labeled "Slice A" and "Slice B." The tips of both slices face inward. In between the slices, two arrows point towards each other, illustrating how the two pizza slices would come together in order for the girls to make a quote-unquote toast. The word "cheers" is in quotes beneath the arrows. The image is unnecessary, bordering on useless.

Pizza Express also donates pizzas for the BSC’s occasional “fundraisers,” which are likely a cover for the Club’s MONEY LAUNDERING SCHEMES. One such event raised “donations” for the BSC’s babysitting clients’ penpals, whose school burned down (one of many mysterious fires associated with the Club).

Due to the statistically improbable frequency of fires occurring on and around the Club’s property, members, and affiliates, the BSC is suspected of multiple counts of ARSON (Fig. 3) for the purposes of INSURANCE FRAUD and/or EXTORTION.

Fig. 3

Figure 3 is titled "Likelihood of Arson." It is a simple line chart. The vertical y-axis is labeled "Number of Fires," and the numbers zero, five, ten, and fifteen accompany the chart lines. The horizontal x-axis has three labels, which are Not Arson, Probably Arson, and Arson. The data point in the Not Arson column sits at zero. The data point in the Probably Arson column sits at three. The data point in the Arson column sits at thirteen. The chart is unnecessary, bordering on useless.

The Baby-Sitters Club is the future of organized crime in the United States and a grave threat to its citizens and law enforcement. Taking into account the babysitters’ anticipated workloads when they enter ninth grade, crime in Stoneybrook is still projected to increase exponentially unless every facet of the BSC infrastructure is totally eradicated.

Therefore, under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO), preparations for a preliminary round of arrest warrants are underway for KRISTIN THOMAS (age 13), CLAUDIA KISHI (age 13), MARY ANNE SPIER (age 13), ANASTASIA MCGILL (age 13), DAWN SCHAFER (age 13), ABIGAIL STEVENSON (age 13), JESSICA RAMSEY (age 11), and MALLORY PIKE (age 11).

Officers should arrest these hardened criminal masterminds on a weekday between seven a.m. and three p.m. when they are gathered under one roof at Stoneybrook Middle School.