Introducing CarbonCore® BoroTex® with GroundToClouds® Terra-Teflon Technology. What’s it mean? It means if you don’t have it, you’re not ReallyOutdoors®.
It’s finally here, even though we can’t describe what this bullshit really is. We’re kidding, totally fucking around with you; we can tell you exactly what it is. It’s an uncompromising flex that won’t bend. It’s soaking wet but bone dry. It’s long but short, hot but cold. It’s faster speed with slower torque than ever before. It’s a total contradiction at all times; totally the same and totally different. Simply put, it is everything we say it is, plus the opposite of that, in case you want that instead.
It handles every single part of the mountain, valley, river, every size of wave, every type of trail—whatever fucking outdoor sport you could possibly say you’re into. It does every single thing about that sport perfectly, plus the opposite. Trust us, there is no way not to want what we’ve developed. It’s made for every single thing we think you might want to do, plus not that. And it’s for every part of any single place, so…
All mountain. One tool. Total ocean technology but also for freshwater. For climbing but also not for climbing, and also for running and totally not for running. It handles driving and putting. Fish it anywhere under any conditions. Works equally well with road bikes, mountain bikes, gravel bikes, or hybrids. It excels at long-board cruising on lazy peelers or short-board ripping on close-out waves. But it’s for elk hunting or also conserving elk. Because it’s for tennis. Gymnasts.
But how can it be everything you need, yet something we can’t even fucking describe? Simple: by using cold-forged heat breathability that holds its breath, producing its own PeakoSystem® of elements to create an atmosphere of always knowing you’ve got the best gear money can buy.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Wait a minute. This sounds like a bunch of invented bullshit language designed to make me think I need to buy all new outdoor equipment” Wrong. It’s not that at all. IT’S THE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF THAT. WE ALREADY SAID THAT. I SAID THAT FIVE GODDAMN SECONDS AGO.
It’s a FabRitude® system that SeamWelds® WetDry® in a ChemTex® Graphiton® overlay… and you can’t afford to do whatever it is you do without it.
Maybe you’ve decided you don’t need it. That’s fine. Truth is, you may not be able to afford the premium price point of CarbonCore® with GroundToClouds® InvisiGraphite® shims that create the perfect SuperStabity®. We’re speaking to people who demand as much from their gear as they demand from themselves. That may not be you.
If you’re more comfortable with the lower price point of value-based entry-level gear, we understand. It’s okay to be a tragic failure who doesn’t Demand The Best. If you don’t DTB®, that’s fine. There are several brands that sell affordable HorribleGear® for BadPeople® who NeverExcelOrEnjoy®. Come on, that’s not you, and you know it.
Don’t wish upon a star; control a galaxy. Turn the volume up on your world. Be on top. Get in the outdoors. Dream big. Look up. Get out. Never go inside. Get going tomorrow. Don’t climb down. Hump Heaven. Are any of these connecting with you? If slogan stuff isn’t doing it, let us spell it out:
We know we told you the equipment you bought from us a year ago will last a lifetime and should be looked at as an investment. But frankly, we’re deeply humiliated for you when we see that you’re still using it. Why, you ask? Stop with the questions, motherfucker. Buy the Sky. Never Sell Your Soul. Grind on God. Wear the Devil’s Wig. Pull Your Bones Out.
Hey, let’s forget about slogans and get honest. Fact is, our new CarbonFlexless® technology is simply WE’RE DONE WITH THE SWEET TALK, FUCKER. WE ARE IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW. WE WILL TIE YOU UP WITH EXTENSION CORDS AND FIND. YOUR. MONEY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
Apologies, we’ve been under a lot of pressure.
Never Stop Getting More®.