How Someone With An American Public School Education Who Didn’t Really Pay Much Attention In Class But Learned Just Enough To Pass Exams Imagines The First Thanksgiving.
BY Matt Passet
PILGRIM: Happy First Thanksgiving. Thank you for having us to your tepee.
(The INDIAN holds his hand in the air with his palm facing out.)
INDIAN: That means “Hello” in Indian.
PILGRIM: We came here on the Mayflower. It is that big ship over there. It has nothing to do with the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. That is something else completely.
INDIAN: We are having a powwow; it is like a meeting.
(PILGRIM takes a bite of food.)
PILGRIM: This is good. What is it?
INDIAN: That is corn. It is also called maize.
PILGRIM: Yes, like a labyrinth.
INDIAN: (Mumbles something inaudible about David Bowie.)
PILGRIM: Thank you for introducing corn to me. This turkey is good, too.
INDIAN: We hunted it. We are hunters and gatherers.
PILGRIM: Excuse me one second; the buckle to my shoe has come undone.
(PILGRIM bends down and buckles his shoe.)
PILGRIM: This is a nice neighborhood.
INDIAN: It is called Plymouth Rock. It does not refer to one single rock. We are not eating dinner on some large rock sitting by the water, even though people might one day think that. We just moved here. We used to own Manhattan, but sold it for $24. They paid us in buttons and arrowheads.
PILGRIM: (Sarcastically.) Wow, $24! That, uh … sounds like a good deal.
INDIAN: We have casinos and sell cheap cigarettes.
(INDIAN lights a peace pipe, adjusts his feather headdress.)
PILGRIM: I have a buckle on my hat, I think for no reason.
SUGGESTED READSEnrichment Is Wasted on Me: Remembrances of Unfinished Continuing-Education Courses
by Jason Roeder (1/17/2004)
Sample Questions from the Don Rickles SAT
by Nathan Pensky (4/29/2010)
An Objective Look at My Seven Graduate School Rejections Compared to Other Historic Rejections
by Chelsea Biondolillo (8/10/2010)
by Alex J. Mann (12/10/2013)
McSweeney’s Advent Calendar Recommendations!
by McSweeney's (12/10/2013)
Any Given Wednesday Afternoon: Sex Pot: A Get Right Christmas Recipe
by Ian Orti (12/10/2013)
POPULARI Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled
by Melinda Taub (5/18/2011)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: It’s a Trap!
by J.K. Appleseed (11/21/2013)
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)