How Someone With an American Public School Education Who Didn’t Really Pay Much Attention In Class But Learned Just Enough to Pass Exams Imagines The First Thanksgiving.
BY MATT PASSET
[Originally published November 21, 2007.]
PILGRIM: Happy First Thanksgiving. Thank you for having us to your tepee.
(The INDIAN holds his hand in the air with his palm facing out.)
INDIAN: That means “Hello” in Indian.
PILGRIM: We came here on the Mayflower. It is that big ship over there. It has nothing to do with the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. That is something else completely.
INDIAN: We are having a powwow; it is like a meeting.
(PILGRIM takes a bite of food.)
PILGRIM: This is good. What is it?
INDIAN: That is corn. It is also called maize.
PILGRIM: Yes, like a labyrinth.
INDIAN: (Mumbles something inaudible about David Bowie.)
PILGRIM: Thank you for introducing corn to me. This turkey is good, too.
INDIAN: We hunted it. We are hunters and gatherers.
PILGRIM: Excuse me one second; the buckle to my shoe has come undone.
(PILGRIM bends down and buckles his shoe.)
PILGRIM: This is a nice neighborhood.
INDIAN: It is called Plymouth Rock. It does not refer to one single rock. We are not eating dinner on some large rock sitting by the water, even though people might one day think that. We just moved here. We used to own Manhattan, but sold it for $24. They paid us in buttons and arrowheads.
PILGRIM: (Sarcastically.) Wow, $24! That, uh … sounds like a good deal.
INDIAN: We have casinos and sell cheap cigarettes.
(INDIAN lights a peace pipe, adjusts his feather headdress.)
PILGRIM: I have a buckle on my hat, I think for no reason.
SUGGESTED READSButterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/25/2015)
Macy’s Balloon Task Force Holds Post Parade Press Conference
by Jon Methven (11/24/2009)
The Art of Holiday Food
by June Melby (11/23/2009)
RECENTLYThe Pagan Origins of Valentine’s Day
by Kathryn Doyle (2/12/2016)
List: Some (More) Things That are Worse Than Being Alone on Valentine’s Day
by Ali Garfinkel (2/12/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Chris Loses Kevin Outside
by Marti Jonjak (2/12/2016)
POPULARList: Alternatives to Resting Bitch Face
by Susan Harlan (1/25/2016)
Jamie and Jeff’s Note to the Babysitter
by Paul William Davies (1/13/2016)
Eight Excuses I Have Told My Son to Use for His Failure to Hand in English Homework, Excuses I Have Learned are Acceptable During a Thirty-Year Career in Journalism, Books, and Film
by Nick Hornby (2/5/2016)