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I, Elon Musk, Will Pay Forty-Seven Dollars to Anyone Who Can Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me
“Any therapists out there? What’s the name of the syndrome that causes you to turn into the MyPillow guy?” -
I Wish I Went Before Mary Shelley in This Storytelling Contest
“My thing isn’t even that scary. Or about mankind. It’s just, well, did everyone else do this overnight? Because I feel like Mary Shelley may have pre-written her idea.” -
Brutally Honest Instructions for Visiting a Pumpkin Patch
“Put on your newly purchased cute fall outfit: a flannel shirt, light wash jeans, suede boots from Costco, and a wide-brimmed felt hat from Temu that feels like an itchy vice around your head.” -
Why Kamala Harris Must Secure the Endorsement of Sabnock, the Great Marquis of Hell
“While Dick Cheney’s endorsement goes a long way in helping Democrats win over Halliburton diehards and torture connoisseurs, there is one endorsement that will almost certainly put her over the top: that of the demon Sabnock, the Great Marquis of Hell.” -
The Topeka Witches Coven Answers Questions about the Upcoming Union Vote to Join the United Auto Workers
Q: What worker protections will be available to me after unionization?
A: Currently, US-based covens don’t have a standardized approach to resolving grievances. Union-led mediation will result in fewer entrapments in foreign realms and amphibian-based transformations.
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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September 30, 2024Faculty, Rejoice: Gmail Can Now Translate “Deanspeak”
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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October 2, 2024JD Vance, a Very Normal Human Man, Sells Used Cars
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October 9, 2024Leaked Transcript of the Secret Meeting Where Democrats Control the Weather
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October 11, 2024Brutally Honest Instructions for Visiting a Pumpkin Patch
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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October 11, 2024270 Reasons: Because Kamala Harris Can Say the Word “Abortion”
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October 9, 2024270 Reasons: Because the American Experiment Is on the Defensive
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September 30, 2024Short Conversations with Poets: Rick Barot
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September 26, 2024Reviews of New Food: Kit Kat Ghost Toast
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September 19, 2024“Man Is Weak, and When He Makes Strength His Profession, He Is Weaker”: A Conversation with Wrestling Promoter Sean Görman About the Influence of the WWE on Trump’s Every Move
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September 16, 2024If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Wouldn’t Have Changed a Thing
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September 12, 2024An Interview with Ayana Mathis, Winner of the First-Ever Gabe Hudson Award
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Recent Posts
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October 10, 2024I’m the “Scoopy Daddy”: Clarifying My New Approach to Parenting
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October 9, 2024Leaked Transcript of the Secret Meeting Where Democrats Control the Weather
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October 9, 2024My Friend Can Be a Bit Much, but He’s a Good Guy If You Give Him a Chance
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October 9, 2024A Short History of the Pagan Reign of Blot-Sven for Bostonians
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October 8, 2024I Am the School Custodian in Charge of Classroom Litter Boxes. Ask Me Anything
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