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Short Imagined Monologues
The Woman From Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” Would Like to Clear a Few Things Up
“I would like a redo. I know everyone is super attached to the song and it’s probably impossible to pivot, but it’s never stopped me from fantasizing that I could have a say in my own narrative.” -
Lists
Ten Legitimate Reasons to Pull Out Your Dick On a Zoom Call
“You finally got that audition for Equus.” -
The Only Thing Standing Between This Country and Pure, Unadulterated Disaster is Your $7 Campaign Donation
“Are you going to donate? Do you feel guilty? Do you feel annoyed? Just know: even if you do give us money, we’re going to keep sending these.” -
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The Hallmark Channel’s Countdown to the Election
“Can a logical gal from the big city save her hunky high school crush from a bunch of conspiracy theories in time to swing the vote in a small Montana town? No, but it might still be a swingin’ time if they can just get that local microbrewery pumping again!” -
The Fourth Little Piggie: An Exposé On a Life In the Shadow
“A brick house is fine. Really, if it’s the 1920s and the devil himself isn’t chasing you, a brick house is fine.” She takes a long drink and an odd sadness fills her eyes. “But, and this is what I tried to tell my brothers, he will never stop trying to get inside.”
Trending
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October 9, 2009It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 9, 2020The 52 Stages of Insomnia
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May 18, 2020I Was In Charge of the Deck Chairs On the Titanic, and They Absolutely Did Need Rearranging
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January 18, 2019FAQ: The Status of the Shits Women Have Left to Give
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October 13, 2020I’m a Principled Republican Senator and I’m Suddenly Troubled By the Current State of Politics
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August 17, 2020I’m a Suburban Mom Housewife — Here’s How to Get My Vote
Over at McSweeney's Publishing
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October 20, 2020
Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: Wetumpka -
October 20, 2020
For the Voter Who Is Pro-Life -
October 19, 2020
Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1- 940 -
October 19, 2020
For the Voter Who Is Raising Children -
October 16, 2020
For the Voter Who Is Disheartened That Bernie Is Not Our Presidential Nominee -
October 15, 2020
For the Voter Who Cares About the Arts -
October 14, 2020
For the Voter Who Has Voices In Her Head
News & Announcements
Over in the Store
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Vital books for chaotic times. -
McSweeney's returns with our 61 issue, a luxurious, leather-bound volume, featuring work by Maria Bamford, Salvador Plascencia, Gabrielle Bell, and more. -
To get ready for the election, subscribe to our multi-award-winning quarterly by Tuesday and we'll send you both parts of our Small Blows Against Rising Totalitarianism series for absolutely free! -
“This is not a book to simply read in total and digest—yes, do that—but it is also a work to return to in parts whenever necessary. It's a book to ingest like medicine.”
—Rion Scott
Recent Posts
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October 16, 2020I Am the Undecided Voter
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October 16, 2020Nine Scenes From the Recently Discovered Cut of Flubber Where Flubber Has Bones
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October 16, 2020The Crucible II: A Quarantine Pod Is Rattled By Accusations and Deception
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October 15, 2020I Am the Mayor from Jaws, and I Am Begging You to Stop Comparing Me to Donald Trump
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October 15, 2020An Open Letter to Green Ginger, the Asian Fusion Restaurant Across the Street From Me
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