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We, the Hard-Working, Newly Homeschooling Parents of America, Have Rewritten the Common Core Standards
“Students will learn that sliding off of their chairs into a sobbing heap on the ground will bring every lesson to a quick end, especially if they are shrieking, ‘MY TEACHER DOESN’T DO IT LIKE THAT!’ as they crumple.” -
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Emily Post’s Quarantine Etiquette
“When participating in virtual festivities such as Zoom parties, pants need not be worn, and the lack of pants should be neither spoken of nor alluded to.” -
Short Existentialist Plays Starring You, Your Coworkers, and Your Family During Quarantine
CHILD: Are you working?
YOU: Yeah.
[Beat.]
CHILD: Are you still working?
YOU: I am.
[Beat.]
CHILD: How bout now? -
Frog and Toad Are Self-Quarantined Friends
“Why are you banging your head against the wall?” asked Frog.
“Because,” said Toad, “you do not listen to me. And you are very needy.”
“Well,” said Frog, “I NEED you to stop!”
Frog laughed very hard at his little joke.
Toad stared at Frog.
The silence was uncomfortable. -
Your Guide to Social Distancing-Friendly Hiking Trails
“A modestly attractive, easy-to-moderate hike begins at the base of Urine Falls and winds its way up, perfunctorily, to a view from the top — a ‘decent-looking’ trickle of spring, limping 30 feet over a bed of unremarkable limestone.”
Trending
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March 27, 2020An Open Letter to Dr. Anthony Fauci Asking for Passover Seder Advice
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March 25, 2020Self-Quarantined: The Adult Activity Book
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March 16, 2020Welcome to Your Hastily Prepared Online College Course
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March 13, 2020This Side of Paradise: A Letter from F. Scott Fitzgerald, Quarantined in the South of France
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March 19, 2020Homeschooling While Working From Home During a Global Pandemic Bingo
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March 18, 2020Effective Immediately: We Are Closing Our Homeschool
Over at McSweeney's Publishing
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March 28, 2020
A Force Outside Myself: Citizens Over 60 Speak -
March 27, 2020
Bookstores Can Be Saved -
March 27, 2020
Ways to Help Independent Bookstores and Booksellers -
March 19, 2020
Issue 59 Virtual Release Events -
March 16, 2020
McSweeney’s Quarterly Presents: Cliffhangers By Mona Awad, Brian Evenson, and Oyinkan Braithwaite -
March 16, 2020
Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: The Last Tattoo -
March 16, 2020
Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: To Breathe the Air
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Recent Posts
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March 30, 2020Can My Son Get More Worksheets Before the World Ends?
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March 30, 2020Self-Isolation or Graduate School?
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March 30, 2020I Am a Time-Traveler From the Future, and I Am Here to Ask You to Stop Bulk-Buying Toilet Paper
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March 27, 2020An Open Letter to Dr. Anthony Fauci Asking for Passover Seder Advice
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March 27, 2020I Know There Is a Pandemic, But I Am Leaving You For Bob Ross
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