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In the Office Auto-Reply Emails for a Hybrid Work Schedule
“Hello. Because my employer overextended on corporate real estate, I am working a hybrid schedule. I am in the office today, technically able to respond to email, but unlikely to do so. The pressure to support the urban ecosystem is overwhelming.” -
I’m a Four-Year-Old Boy, and This Is My MasterClass on How to Pee Standing Up
“It is a common misconception that one should undress completely. Far from it, pants and big-boy undies must be lowered to the ankles. Do not neglect this critical step, for it is what activates the pee-pee.” -
I Can’t Talk Right Now—I’m Desperately Scrambling to Clean Our House Before the Cleaners Get Here
“I’m worried that if I don’t vacuum up all the dog hair lining the hallway baseboards or mop up the traces of mud left behind from my children, the cleaners are going to have some great anecdotes about how disgusting our house is.” -
Lists
Twelve Things Your College Freshman Son Will Never Say During His Weekly Call Home
“I already bought my airline ticket home, because I know prices go up if you wait until the last minute.” -
Stephen Sondheim Dissects the Jardiance Jingle
“I’m drawn in. I want to know more about this person taking stock of her life. But the opening words teeter awkwardly off the leading edge of the melody line, and improper stress is placed on the first syllable of ‘type 2.’ No one says TYPE two. Unforgivable.”
Trending
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November 2, 2023I’m the Owner of Your Town’s Mediocre Pizzeria, and There’s Nothing You Can Do About It
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October 28, 2022It’s Me, the Person Putting Drugs in the Halloween Candy
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September 22, 2023It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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July 13, 2023It’s the Job of My Dreams, But I’d Have to Write a Cover Letter, So Never Mind
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October 23, 2023Statement from the University on Current Tensions in the Place You’re Probably Thinking About When You Read This
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November 9, 2023This Week’s Punctuation Power Rankings
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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November 10, 2023Best Joke Ever: The Funniest Superhero Movie and My Ragnarok Year
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November 9, 2023A Letter from McSweeney’s Executive Director
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November 8, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Safiya Sinclair
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November 3, 2023Chris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents: Who’s in the Presidential Boy Band?
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November 1, 2023Announcing the Return of Our Column Contest
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October 27, 2023Kevin Dolgin Tells You About Places You Should Go in Europe: A Mile-Long Footpath Through Field and Wood Somewhere North of Cambridge, England
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October 25, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: John Burnside
Over in the Store
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Our first ever horror issue, guest-edited by Brian Evenson. Bring it home this Summer, if you dare.
Recent Posts
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November 10, 2023I Prefer Naturally Beautiful Women Without Makeup
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November 9, 2023Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with All the War Mongering
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November 9, 2023This Week’s Punctuation Power Rankings
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November 8, 2023Baby, You Know I’m Not Good at Math, but I Do Know That You + Me = Something
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November 8, 2023An Apology to the Other Parents at Our Kids’ Bus Stop for How Incredibly Boring I Am
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