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Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, by Sophocles
LORELAI: My faux-father Richard and that all-too mother of mine Emily demand we eat with them each Friday.
RORY: Woe is me. But how can we flee when it hath been decreed, and our allowance depends upon’t? Whither shall we go?
LORELAI: Into poverty! -
Short Imagined Monologues
I Am a Neanderthal and I Resent Being Compared to Incompetent Governors
“To describe the lifting of mask mandates as ‘Neanderthal thinking’ is misleading and, quite frankly, insulting. It’s true that we didn’t have modern-day essentials like vegetable spiralizers and Pelotons, but we were never willfully ignorant.” -
Why I’m Selling My 4-Bed, 3-Bath, 37-Moving-Bookcase Home
“I am looking for someone — anyone — to purchase my biggest mistake, my most brutal nightmare, the godless creation of my worst impulses: my 4-bed, 3-bath, 37-moving-bookcase home.” -
Moms: The Vacation of Your Dreams Awaits You in This Dentist’s Chair
“Recline and sink into the plush upholstery as a skilled hygienist named Annette gently applies pressure to the electronic foot control, generating a soothing oratory buzz that calms your nerves and drowns out the sounds of your kids fighting in the waiting room.” -
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Signs You Might Be the Heroine of a Rom-Com Novel
“You are pretending to be someone’s girlfriend, for dubious reasons. It’s an elaborate ruse that takes up several hours of every day.”
Trending
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February 19, 2021I’m a Short Afternoon Walk and You’re Putting Way Too Much Pressure on Me
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February 22, 2021The UX on this Small Child Is Terrible
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February 24, 2021I Oppose the Democrats’ Plan to Lower Child Poverty. If Kids Want to Eat, They Should Work In Filthy Factories Like They Did in the Good Old Days
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February 26, 2021As a Staunch Defender of American Liberty, I Refuse to Let Trans People Infringe on My Rights as a White, Straight, Cisgender Congresswoman from Georgia
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March 3, 2021I’m All For Letting the Free Market Decide Things Unless It Decides to Stop Publishing Racist Children’s Books
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February 10, 2021An Update from Your Three-Year-Old’s Montessori Educator, Translated for Parents Who Endured a Traditional Public School Education
Over at McSweeney's Publishing
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February 23, 2021In Remembrance of Lawrence Ferlinghetti
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February 9, 2021McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Courtney Zoffness, Author of Spilt Milk
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January 26, 2021Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: The Introduction to McSweeney’s 62: The Queer Fiction Issue
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January 20, 2021Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1 – 1,056
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January 15, 2021Short Conversations With Poets: Henri Cole
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January 13, 2021Short Conversations With Poets: Tracy K. Smith
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January 11, 2021Short Conversations With Poets: Khaled Mattawa
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Recent Posts
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March 4, 2021Okay, Let Me Just Share My Screen… Ah, Nope. Okay, You’re Looking At My Savings Account Now. That Is Not Good.
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March 3, 2021I’m All For Letting the Free Market Decide Things Unless It Decides to Stop Publishing Racist Children’s Books
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March 3, 2021Casting Notice for the Next Great British Bake Off
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March 3, 2021It’s Me, Your Former Junior High School Bully, and I’m Sorry to Inform You That Karma Hasn’t Caught Up With Me Yet
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March 2, 2021A Graduate School Rejection Letter As Written by My Anxiety Disorder at 3 AM
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