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Due to Current Travel Mandates We’ve Decided to Make COVID-19 Testing at Our Airport a Complete Nightmare
“Since every state and country has its own complicated set of rules that we’re required to enforce, we are pleased to offer two understaffed testing sites located in wildly inconvenient areas of our enormous facility.” -
Short Imagined Monologues
It Would Be Un-American to Support Legislation That Doesn’t Directly Benefit Me
“What’s more American than using the most powerful legislative body in the country to preserve your self-interests? Kyrsten gets it. It’s why we’re best friends even though she doesn’t answer my texts and hasn’t invited me to Europe yet.” -
Your Essay Shows Promise But Suffers from Demonic Possession
“Your essay has many merits, but it also has something deeply and disturbingly wrong with it. In fact, I’m writing this feedback on my phone, cowering in the bathtub with my wife, after your essay terrorized and nearly destroyed us.” -
A Morally Injured Healthcare Worker’s Recommendations for Updating Your Advanced Medical Directives During the COVID-19 Pandemic
“If you do not consent to the feeding tube, do you consent to starving to death as there is really no other way for you to eat or drink safely once your oxygen needs are so high?” -
Tragedians in Cars Getting Coffee
“This is a 1995 Land Rover Defender and everything about it says adventure. Which is perfect, because today I’m getting coffee with Agamemnon, King of the Achaeans.”
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October 8, 2021A Typical Friday in Oregon, as Imagined by My East Coast Friends
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September 2, 2021Oh My Fucking God, Get the Fucking Vaccine Already, You Fucking Fucks
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September 30, 2021This Is Your Kid’s School and Even Though the Emergency Contact Form Lists Your Husband, We Need You, the Mom
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September 22, 2021It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 14, 2021Academic Job Market or Squid Game?
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October 7, 2021A Pseudo-Intellectual Comment Generator for Men
Over at McSweeney's Publishing
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October 21, 2021An Interview with Farah Ali About Her New Book, People Want to Live
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September 20, 2021Dear McSweeney’s Crossword Puzzle
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September 20, 2021McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Shelly Oria, Editor of Indelible in the Hippocampus: Writings from the Me Too Movement
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September 16, 2021Short Conversations with Poets: Eleanor Wilner
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September 14, 2021Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: Delandria
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September 14, 2021Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: Becoming the Baby Girl
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September 14, 2021Short Conversations with Poets: Sandra Lim
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Recent Posts
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October 18, 2021The University Will Be Answering Questions About Its New Budget Plan Only with Direct Quotations from Gertrude Stein’s Tender Buttons
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October 18, 2021My Existentialist Life Hacks
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October 15, 2021FAQ About Your CSA
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October 15, 2021Scooby-Doo Refuses to Get the Rabies Vaccine
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October 14, 2021Academic Job Market or Squid Game?
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