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Inflation Is High, So I’m Voting for Gork the Merciless
“Gork has promised to slaughter our families, burn our houses, and enslave our people for generations, but milk prices went up, and even though they’re starting to come down, we might as well see whether Gork’s warlord approach is better for the economy.” -
Saying Yes to Every Add-On at Jiffy Lube
ME: You like it when I say yes to add-ons, don’t you?
CLERK: I absolutely love it.
ME: You just want to up-sell me on every part of the car, the fluids, the suspension, the tires?
CLERK: I want it all. -
Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps
The One With the Lady Moderators
“9:35 PM: DeSantis smirks or has gas. He pulls out a HELLO MY NAME IS sticker, writes NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN on it, and affixes it to his jacket. He then stares into the camera, unblinking, for 120 seconds.” -
Scenes from a Hallmark Hanukkah Movie Written by Someone Who Has Definitely Met a Jew
(RACHEL walks past children playing. Her biological clock ticks. She’s thirty, almost dead.)
LITTLE GIRL: Are you excited for the County Hanukkah Fair?
RACHEL: Not really. I’m not super into Hanukkah. -
Answering Questions at the Climate Summit After My Speech in Support of Oil World
Q: And what, exactly, is Oil World?
A: It’s the solution to life on Earth. For too long, our planet has been home to us. Oil World is a new version of Earth that’s entirely made of oil.
Q: Nothing else?
A: That’s right, just oil.
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November 29, 2023Your 2023 WebMD Wrapped
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December 4, 2023The National Lyrics or Things My Dad Says While Refusing to Check Google Maps?
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February 23, 2012Lines from The Princess Bride That Double as Comments on Freshman Composition Papers
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November 28, 2023Please Buy Tesla’s Cybertruck, Which Is Cool, Not Stupid
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December 7, 2023Scenes from a Hallmark Hanukkah Movie Written by Someone Who Has Definitely Met a Jew
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November 22, 2023Post-Dinner Interview with a Twelve-Year-Old Who Sat at the Grown-Ups’ Table for the First Time on Thanksgiving
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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December 7, 2023A Letter from McSweeney’s Executive Director
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December 6, 2023“Just Say the Word, and I’ll Bring My Whole Heart to Anything”: Remembering Gabe Hudson
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December 6, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Anne Carson
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December 4, 2023Bitchslap: A Column About Women and Fighting: Fun Train to Fightville
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November 29, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Gary Snyder
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November 28, 2023Norse Mythology for Bostonians: An Excerpt from Rowdy Geirsson’s The Impudent Edda
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November 17, 2023Interviews with People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs: Spencer Cammarano, Guinness World Records Adjudicator
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December 4, 2023I’m a Holiday Gift Guide Writer, and I Really Need You Pricks to Start Playing Backgammon
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December 4, 2023The National Lyrics or Things My Dad Says While Refusing to Check Google Maps?
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