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The Twelve Days of Christmas
“On the third and fourth days of Christmas, she gave me three French hens and four calling birds. Funny, I don’t remember telling her my dream was to one day open a chapter of the Audubon Society.” -
The Three Kings Arrive, but One of Them Brings a Shaq-a-Roni Pizza Instead of Myrrh
“We have brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh, gifts befitting the King of the Jews,” declared Melchior, bowing to the Holy Family.
“Actually…” said Balthazar. -
Lists
Holidays Songs for Life Under the US Health Care System
🎶 “I Saw Mommy Charged Five Grand for Gauze”
“Halve Your Wealth to Repair Your Meniscus”
“God Rest Ye Weary New Mother (For Twenty-Four Hours, Then Please Vacate the Maternity Ward)” 🎶 -
Job Posting: Team Leader for the Maccabees
“The Maccabees are a small, start-up militia charged with defending the holy temple from the invading Greek army. Our rockstar candidate should be a motivated, goal-oriented self-starter, because we don’t have the bandwidth or manpower for micromanaging.” -
Lists
Great Philosophers on Santa’s Naughty and Nice Lists
John Locke: If you have been very Nice and your parents do not buy you a Nintendo Switch, you have license to replace them with parents who will.
Trending
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December 19, 2024A Producer Attempts to Pitch The Nutcracker
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December 4, 2024Your 2024 Therapy Wrapped
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May 18, 2011I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled
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December 10, 2024A Typical First Date with a Guy in Boston, Chicago, or New York
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December 16, 2024Baby, It’s Me, Polio, and I’ve Missed You
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December 3, 2024A Faculty Member’s Self-Evaluation at the End of the Semester
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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December 18, 2024Donations Matched One-to-One This Week. Please Consider Giving in Honor of a Reader in Your Life.
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December 13, 2024Excerpts from The Believer: Ancient to the Future
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December 11, 2024Letters to Moms: A Letter to Kevin McCallister’s Mom
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December 6, 2024Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Musician Jack Stratton
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December 4, 2024Announcing the International Library of Youth Writing
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November 29, 2024Excerpts from The Believer: Resurrector: Signs
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November 22, 2024Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Filmmaker and Musician Boots Riley
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To order this title for just five dollars when you subscribe to The Believer, click here. A collection of riotously entertaining columns, written for The Believer magazine during its years in... -
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—Pendleton Ward, Emmy-award winning creator of Adventure Time
Recent Posts
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December 20, 2024An Art Nouveau Calendar for a Terrible Fucking Year
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December 19, 2024An Open Letter to Sarah from Love Actually, to Be Delivered In the Two Seconds Before She Answers Her Phone for the Second Time While Karl Is Tenderly Dry Humping Her
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December 19, 2024A Producer Attempts to Pitch The Nutcracker
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December 19, 2024I Am Whoville’s Only Home Insurance Provider, and I Am So Screwed
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December 18, 2024AI Meeting Summary: Appointing the Next CEO at United Healthcare
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