ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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Our Latest Post
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Congrats, Dipshit,
You’re a Dad Now“If you thought manual labor was hard, get ready for emotional labor. All that logistical stuff is about to hit you like a stack of bricks. Or were you not aware of how much mental jiu jitsu is involved in scheduling travel soccer around cello lessons and ballet class?” -
Fortune 500 Cookies
“Interrupt others with your more important ideas.” -
Can Anyone Tell Me Why Sales of Our Signature Terrifying Yellow Wallpaper Are Down?
“I expect one of you overpaid three-martini-lunch layabouts to have a good explanation why my family’s home-decor company is bleeding money like a physician of high standing using proper, modern medical techniques against female mental illness?” -
The Dread Lord Nyarlathotep Presidential Library
Please Remain Civil While Resisting President Nyarlathotep’s Orgy of Nullification
“Any form of protest that appears the slightest bit emphatic, aggressive, valiant, or physical will completely erase any support from the dozens of Americans still on the fence about the whole ‘Elder God Apocalypse’ thing.” -
You’re Invited to
My Birthday Military Parade“I’m excited to announce that I’ll be celebrating another turn around the sun with a military parade through our neighborhood. You and your families are all invited. If you can’t make it, no worries. Not a big deal! Just RSVP ‘no,’ and I will simply have you arrested.”
Trending
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June 3, 2025New York Times’ Style Guide Substitutions for “The President Violated the Constitution”
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June 6, 2025I, Saruman, Have Ended My Alliance with the Dark Lord Sauron
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June 2, 2025The Zen of Dying Quietly, and Other Teachings by Senator Joni Ernst
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May 19, 2025A Company Reminder for Everyone to Talk Nicely About the Giant Plagiarism Machine
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June 9, 2025It’s Not Going Great, but Imagine How Much Worse Things Would Be with a Woman President
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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June 13, 2025Excerpts from The Believer: What Does the AuraCamera 6000 See?
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June 10, 2025My Season Pass to Burnout Land
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June 6, 2025Excerpts from The Believer: Queer Liberation
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June 1, 2025Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: May 2025: Atrocities 207-272
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May 30, 2025Excerpts from The Believer: Sisyphus in the Capital
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May 28, 2025Reviews of New Food: Skittles POP’d Freeze Dried Candy
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May 23, 2025Excerpts from The Believer: Object: Joey Lawrence’s Flannel
Over in the Store
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“A beguiling novel about the outer limits of artistic indiscretion.”
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“This is the kind of magazine you keep on your bookshelves with your favorite books.”
— Cece Bell, author of El Deafo
Recent Posts
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June 10, 2025Memo from the DHS: Deploy Megatron Before the LA Protesters Start Thinking They Have Rights
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June 10, 2025If Charles Bukowski Wrote a Children’s Book About Emotional Regulation
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June 9, 2025It’s Not Going Great, but Imagine How Much Worse Things Would Be with a Woman President
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June 9, 2025A Letter to Home from a Weary ICE Agent
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June 6, 2025This Pride Month, Your Bank Is Straight
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