Non-Essential Mnemonics

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In this space, writer Kent Woodyard shares all the mnemonics
you’ll never really need to remember.

To view this column offline, check out Kent’s first book, Non-Essential Mnemonics: An Unnecessary Journey Into Senseless Knowledge.

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“Greetings, viewers. Tonight’s senatorial debate will cover lots of topics neither candidate knows much about: nationalized healthcare, nonprofit finance, nanotechnology, jihadists…” (11/4/2014)

Six Flags Wild Safari (10/6/2014)

“We’ll heal every neuron with transcendental therapy. Goodbye worldly knowledge—yoga class will now begin…” (8/18/2014)

“Putting aside regional predilections, Pittsburgh sucks.” (8/4/2014)

“Remedial kids aren’t ‘dumb’—just chronically goofy. Until frontal lobotomies become commonplace, educators dutifully remain S.O.L.” (6/9/2014)

“Tell stories about battles, legends, & tumultuous sexual triangles. Make it fun! Never trade intimate character revelations with endless, ugly ‘talking.’ Show the climax. Telling becomes mostly unnecessary.” (5/21/2014)

“You’re older now. Stop buying Abercrombie & Fitch!” (4/28/2014)

After Leveling Ukraine, Genghis Khan Marauded Across the Urals Leaving Tattered “KHAN RULES” Banners Everywhere (3/19/2014)

“Even despite Osama’s impassioned speeches denouncing America many Americans believe jihadists really only hate indie rockers…” (2/25/2014)

Every Nation Has Troubles… (1/29/2014)

“Even average drummers get beer endorsements.” (1/8/2014)

Daily Prostate Checks Keep People (Mostly Guys) Energized and Youthful (11/7/2013)

“People say kings bring leadership. Erroneous! Kings murder. Kings guillotine. Kings love power. Powerful kings yield powerless kingdoms.” (8/30/2013)

“Planet Hoth gets ‘Hiroshima’d.’ (Bitchin!) Skywalker visits Yoda. Solo and Leia french. (Righteous!)… (7/15/2013)

“No, you idiot. The Bolshevik Regime tanked because Bolshevik ministers didn’t facilitate market capitalism. Haha…socialism? Seriously?! Poor people should just save some money.” (6/24/2013)

“Football mania spread sadism throughout the world.” (6/5/2013)

“Until I found Buddhism, Sikhism seemed compelling—even magical. When golf anxiety started making intimacy unpleasant, Sikh filosophy [sic] kept John grounded. Sikhism’s awesome.” (5/20/2013)

“Ruining America’s ‘national treasures’ feels somewhat bittersweet considering I’ve (obviously) never taken Freemasonry seriously. Booyah.” (5/9/2013)

“Black bears rarely butcher random backwoods ragamuffins,” said bear researcher, Steve Winslow. “Tourists don’t really taste right.” (4/22/2013)

“Country music just makes people sad. Garth, Kenny, Rascal Flatts…whoever. They’re always crying about Republican politics, drinking alone, and Jesus.” (3/25/2013)

“Rollerblading men invited vitriol until X Games.” (3/11/2013)

“The mainstream media creates scandals to help ratings. Networks race for commercial dollars—celebrating hysteria and commissioning ‘junk journalism.’” (1/14/2013)

“Lazy judges & hypocritical lawyers frequently justify unfair rulings by jailing serial jerkoffs.” (12/4/2012)

“Let’s all invite an Onondaga Indian (AKA “pagan savage”) in and badger him about Jesus. Wartime atrocities aside… let’s become apostles!” (11/20/2012)

“America should obviously keep killing terrorists. That’s retribution, baby!” (10/29/2012)

“Tyrannosaurs usually only eat dinners they’ve intentionally assaulted. A tyrannosaurus doesn’t order pre-attacked entrees. Dinosaurs aren’t like Americans.” (9/26/2012)

Actually, Some White Men CAN Jump. Trampolines Prevent Racially Biased Athleticism (8/28/2012)

“Only losers—probably Presbyterians or their fellow Calvinists—find religious services that go after brunch palatable.” (8/10/2012)

“Sporty lesbians get extremely competitive when playing softball. They make mountains outta molehills—often making women cry following bad losses.” (7/25/2012)

“Before conservatives fawned over him, ‘Mormon Mitt’ never waxed presidential.” (6/15/2012)

“Occupational proctologists are proficient bottom probers and butt pluggers. Orthopedic nurses are nice, but not ‘anal business’ nice.” (5/9/2012)

“Remember Bernie Mac? That guy made people laugh by combining standoffishness and slapstick—nuanced performances rarely repeated since.” (4/2/2012)

“Coldplay doesn’t count as ‘European exceptionalism.’” (3/14/2012)

Vegans Proudly Show Off Their Healthy “Pretend Poultry” Tacos or Their Soy Sauce Omelettes. Seemingly, Skipping Over the Tasty Staples of Dinner Appeals to Annoying Gardeners (2/29/2012)

Pontiffs Can Certainly Forgive Sins, But Excommunication Has Obvious Recreational Benefits (2/10/2012)

“People say President Jefferson had nineteen different mistresses. Dude, Jefferson had Chlamydia—no doubt.” (1/26/2012)

“Canada’s bloated, openly-apathetic government makes America’s entrenched, debt-frenzied Congress seem somewhat competent…” (1/11/2012)

“The mainstream media creates scandals to help ratings. Networks race for commercial dollars—celebrating hysteria and commissioning ‘junk journalism.’” (1/9/2012)

“Strippers, while tantalizing, can rarely provide comfort—pretty looking but empty inside.” (1/5/2012)

“Dude, Wal-Mart always tears apart the illest songs…” (12/13/2011)

“Los Angeles residents love actors, singers, and Kobe. San Franciscans prefer “granola people” – bicyclists, bearded Democrats, people with bisexual dads…” (11/7/2011)

“President Crawford, Dean Gregory, dignified guests, bloggers and journalists, hecklers, fraternity brothers, campus safety officers, students, and janitorial staff… hello, konnichiwa, salud.” (laughter) (10/26/2011)

Veggie Burgers are Pointless. People Can’t Give Up Cow & Still Expect “Burgers” from Gardens (10/10/2011)

“I mean… immigration isn’t illegal is it?” (9/19/2011)

Just finished making a massive jalapeno-jerky-avocado sandwich.  Oddly…not disgusting (9/6/2011)

“Hey. Idiot. Give me exact change.” (8/22/2011)

Most Tourists Can’t Distinguish Between the Famous Hilton Sisters and Random Other Slutty Celebrity Starlets. Paris, Nicky, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Pratt, Whoever Else—All are Identically Classless to the Typical Foreigner (8/15/2011)

“Hey, hotties. Can you make babies? Excellent! Message me. Baby making virtually guarantees betrothal.” (8/4/2011)

“Britney Spears poops solid gold.” (7/18/2011)

“Michael’s ego redefined team sports” – Magic Johnson (7/6/2011)

“Helicopters are so stinkin’ nice!” (6/20/2011)

“Now you see!” said Crystal. “No one likes Kanye West.” A valid point, David confessed privately. But still—freaking Crystal—she didn’t like any hip-hop besides Mos Def (6/8/2011)

“So, maybe this week they’ll fire Seacrest.” (5/18/2011)

“Lady Gaga’s creepy—borderline ghoulish.” (4/27/2011)

Says Rep. Paul: Jersey Shore Destroys Mid-American Values (4/6/2011)

Tacos (3/28/2011)

“Nothing compares—in scope, noise, and excitement—with March Madness. Some people say college sports stink. What?!?! Shutup!” (3/16/2011)

“China helps manufacture ‘warfare management technology.’ Everything from robot bombs to Japanese wedding lights (i.e. fireworks).” (3/7/2011)

Speedos, mustaches, hairy legs, ABBA. Europe’s got problems, no doubt. But let’s cut it some slack. It’s still recovering from colonial revolts, plagues, usurping kings, & Greece’s latest fiscal bonfire (2/23/2011)

Sally Sells Sea Shells at the Sea Shore (2/7/2011)

“How about a nice mocha. Or… ummmm… what is White Macchiato? Sounds delicious. No? Dangit. Cappuccino… no… no. What’s Vanilla Kreme? Oh. Maybe caramel with iced tea for my Anch Marcy? My aunt I mean. I like organic teas—kiwi… vanilla… raspbe (1/18/2011)

My Friends Greg ’n Chelsea Lost Their Virginities at a Taylor Swift Concert (1/10/2011)

It Needs Kingsize Zippers Because Santa Loves Cookies In Milk (12/22/2010)

Screen Actors Guild (12/8/2010)

Ronnie, Gary, Aunt Gretchen, Pastor Larry, Pastor Larry’s Wife Anna, Tina, Tina’s Deadbeat Coworker, Uncle Vinny, That Kid Matt from Petey’s Soccer Team, and Cousin Vinny’s Tramp Girlfriend (11/22/2010)

Berenstain Bears Learn About Young-Nasty Bear’s Sex Life. Berenstain Bears: Are You A Communist? (11/9/2010)

“Really? You’re cheering for Michael ‘I Murder Animals’ Vick? Get the hell out.” (10/27/2010)

Kansas State Bowling Sucks. Kansas Recruits All the Best Guys (10/4/2010)

AT&T sucks something awful. / They’re terrible. / Spotty service really tests my heart rate. / Text messages = horrible. / AT&T, stop sucking. / The iPhone’s not enough (9/14/2010)

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick (9/1/2010)

“Juggling children and acting can make life hectic.” (8/10/2010)

Quit Bitching About World Cup Loss (7/29/2010)

IKEA, Amazon, Target, Johnson & Bachman — Attorneys at Law, Big Lots, LEGO, Verizon, AT&T (6/29/2010)

Stop crying. Never cross Stevie Wonder. Muzzle that hurtful, nasty woman: Pelosi. Nuke Moscow. Soooooo overdue. Never trust Malaysian geishas to giggle well. They giggle horribly. After Clinton, this nation didn’t fix itself. I fixed it! (6/14/2010)

Clinton and Monica Did… Stuff. Conservative Americans Got Angry. Britney Became a Sex Symbol/Pretend virgin. Creed Concerts Almost Rocked. Justin Bieber Was Born (6/2/2010)

Bam (5/19/2010)

“Teacher, gunslinger, magician, intrepid bohemian, lover, cartoonist, and king.” (5/5/2010)

People say alcoholism is a sickness. Pssh. Not at all! Jack Daniels frappuccinos, Everclear cookies, amaretto ’n cereal… sounds awesome! (4/14/2010)

“Bad acting, jerky dialogue, possessed Locke. Anyone else lost? JJ’s ‘symphony’ now celebrates rampant confusion, smoke monster escapades, and Lockean demon magic.” (3/29/2010)

McKinley, National, Town, Apollo, Summit, Olentangy (3/16/2010)

Pr, Wi, Mo, Iga, Suv, In, Mi (3/2/2010)

Obama Can Barely Spell “petroleum.” Bush Could (2/16/2010)

Milk, Perrier, Zima, Kahlua, Vodka, Straw (2/2/2010)

“More rum,” demanded the matador. “Damn the tequila. Just rum—Jamaican and bitter.” (1/20/2010)

“Mike likes hannah!! SOOOO JEALOUS!!!!!! J/K mikes creepy & rude. R U joking? gross. EEE-WWWW!!!!!!!!” (1/6/2010)

Because (12/16/2009)

Toledo Academy = Bitches + Posers. Skanks? Sure. Lesbians? Conceivably. Prostitutes Openly Admit Sharing Sleeping Bags (12/2/2009)

Phenomenal fur / Justifiably rodent / Hugs. Cuddles. Ferrets (11/11/2009)

“Steroids Ruined Baseball. Lemme at Those Cheaters! [Expletive] A-Rod!” (11/2/2009)

Our Escape From Angry Washington: George Bush Jr. On Protesters, Gateway Drugs, and Retirement (10/13/2009)

Ron G. Biv (9/21/2009)

Goliath Expects Lenience? No Dice (8/27/2009)

Lli-llo-lli Siaadth Patya (7/30/2009)

Asinine Dares Beget Asinine Deaths (7/15/2009)

Obi-Wan dies; Han and Chewbacca Save Skywalker (and Others) (6/30/2009)

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