PLEASE NOTE: Free shipping over $200 only applies to orders within the domestic U.S.!

Dear Reader:

Imagine a utopia of online commerce, where all of your shopping needs were satisfied in one fell swoop. I know it’s scary to let your mind wander into a state of such stress-free merriment—in the middle of a workweek no less—but do it! We’re turning the McSweeney’s store into one big miracle-making machine so you can live your holiday dreams! Some of these really special deals are call-in-only (415.642.5609). Some of them are already on the McSweeney’s Store!

1. On offer at the McSweeney’s Store, for the holiday season, is:
Any purchase of $200* or more—we will hand wrap in our office and ship accordingly! We’ll even include a card with words of your choice. This does require, however, you to call in. On the plus side, you are empowered to think of any McSweeney’s employees as your personal shoppers. WITH FREE SHIPPING. We will charge you over the phone for your books, talk to you gently as we ask you how your day is going, and shipping fees will not enter the conversation at all.

2. As part of our efforts to have the most successful crowd funding campaign in the history of the world, get a combo-subscription (to the Believer and the Quarterly), and a free 15th anniversary tote bag!

3. The Best of McSweeney’s compendium of the best writing from fifteen years of the beloved McSweeney’s Quarterly, plus a subscription to the periodical itself, for the mind-blowing price of $80! Or $100 for the Deluxe edition of The Best of McSweeney’s. Call in and we’ll make it happen!

4. How Music Works paperback signed by David Byrne.

5. More Baths Less Talking signed by Nick Hornby. Less than 20 remaining!

6. Last minute stocking stuffers? We’ve got it covered.

7. And don’t forget the little ones!

8. Nick Hornby’s Ten Years in the Tub, a collection of ten years of Nick’s beloved Believer column, “Stuff I’ve Been Reading,” and Songbook for only $45!!! It’s in a bundle of two brand new books!

9. We have a very limited supply (ONLY 200!) of How Music Works hardcovers at the McSweeney’s store. Claim one while you still can!

10. Do you like the internet? Do you have tendencies?

11. Nothing says “I love you” like an original Tony Millionaire portrait of Michael Pollan.

12. Holiday Haikus! Spend over a hundred bucks, email Jordan at custservice@mcsweeneys.net with your order confirmation number and a one-word topic, and she’ll send you a personalized haiku, typed on our office typewriter and mailed to your door!

13. Gift Wrapping! Books wrapped with love and personalized McSweeney’s charm, sent straight from our office to your doorstep! Orders must be over $200 and titles from 2013 only. Call Jordan at 415-642-5605 to place your order.

14. Still stumped? How about your very own personalized McSweeney’s staff shopper? Call and we’ll help you find the perfect easy to read books for hard to read people: 415-642-5605.

15. Need something for the food lover in your life?

16. Totes for everyone.

17. Limited-edition connoisseur? Check out our truly one-of-a-kind goods!

18. Poets! Women! Counting backwards!

19. Get back to simpler times. Get back to the kids’ table.

20. All Wholphins half off for a limited time only!

21. Check out our Garage Sale for completely awesome deals on slightly damaged books.

22. For the dad who thinks big.

23. Need something special for the music lover in your life?

24. Subscribe to the McSweeney’s Book Release Club: 8 books for $95!

25. For your favorite film lover.

26. Giving a gift subscription and need a little something else? Email custservice@mcsweeneys.net with the giftee’s name, holiday or occasion for the gift, and who it’s from, and we’ll email you a personalized McSweeney’s gift certificate!

27. Who doesn’t need a new tee six times a year? Subscribe to our Year of T-Shirts: now $5 off!

28. It’s never too early (to think about the perfect apocalyptic New Year’s present): Lucy Corn’s A Hundred Apocalypses and Other Apocalypses.

29. Bundles with a twist! Grab one of our mystery bundles at an even more mysterious price.

30. Share your Pride this holiday season!

32. Home on the Range signed by Elizabeth Gilbert.

33. Grab some backlist issues of Lucky Peach for your loved ones!

34. And finally: no holiday is complete without a little peace.