Illustrations by Katie Gorman.
What a glorious life I lead as the boon companion to a great hero! I am a noble steed, ready to leap into action at any moment should my hero call me. Tally-ho!
Today, the hero left me standing on the edge of a cliff as he glided off with some kind of flying machine. I did see a staggering amount of horse bones at the base of the ravine, as though someone was crass enough to just run their horse right off the cliff. Unsure why he needed me to gallop at full speed for no more than thirty feet, but he always knows what’s right and good. I’m sure my contribution was necessary and strategic, not just something he tried because it’s cool.
I was in the middle of an excellent game of Horse Poker (regular poker, but we are horses) with Carrots and the boys when I was again summoned away to my quest. He swears it’s important for me to be there so he can go just a little bit faster when he has to transport a duck and some ribbon to the apothecary in Low Town.
The hero has called me to partake in some kind of race where he ran me straight into some bushes. I got kind of stuck? I probably could have gotten myself out of it; I think I could have even had the good sense not to run into a bush, but I trusted him implicitly and followed his every command. After seventeen more attempts, we sailed across the victory line.
Moonbeam (my horse wife) and I are thrilled to be celebrating our fifth anniversary. How the time flies! Our celebrations were cut short, though, because that idiot with the sword thought it would be fun to just gallop me over some bunnies for sport so he could trade the bunny meat for more fishing line. Really beginning to think this guy is losing it. I try to maintain adventure/life balance, but he has me questioning some aspects of our relationship, and Moonbeam made some good points about how he might not value my time. On top of everything else, those bunnies were talking bunnies, and now we are both wanted in the Western Reaches of the map.
Moonbeam and I thought we’d enjoy a nice weekend away and have some private horse wife and horse husband time, but our weekend plans were foiled yet again because the ever-brave and steadfast hero thought it would be easier to ride up a mountain than take the ferry. Everyone knows the Tumbletown Ferry is faster, and the ferryman gives you The Secret of the Falls. You’d think he could read some sort of guide, but instead chooses to have me gallop across the known world because of his ego.
Against all odds, we made it to the final showdown against the Lord of Evil. For some reason, a huge part of this fight needed to be on horseback. Naturally, I did amazing. That schmuck on my back used all forty of the Arrows of Goodness, when we only needed to make one shot. What about the gleaming red eye was not a clear target to him? Thanks to me, we saved the world, but then he just left me on the battlefield. He still hasn’t even congratulated me on my anniversary!
Now that the adventure is over, I find myself content in my life as a stay-at-home horse husband and horse dad to my beautiful new horse son (not even a card from him, if you can believe it!). Despite my frustrations, I look back fondly on my time as a steed to a hero. As I write, I see another horse ride gloriously to battle with his—wait a minute. Is that MY hero? Did he get another horse? And it’s a blue unicorn? This is appalling. This is the thanks I get for plodding all over the country for this nitwit? Turned in for a better model?!? No, it’s fine. I’m happier now. I have a family. What does he have?
After some deliberation and discussion with Moonbeam (I’m so lucky to have her), I have decided to return to adventuring. An opportunity has come up where I will be the main hero. Turns out, I never needed that guy anyway. Also, I hear he has an airship now. How gauche.