Thanks, guys. Really, thanks a lot for coming out to have this little chat with me tonight despite the cold, and to share in our common dream of a truly handcrafted America. Let’s have a round of applause for our amazing wild-harvested volunteers. Not only did they set this stage up, but they curated all these lovely hand-lettered posters using a homegrown font recipe and responsibly-sourced paper aged in reclaimed oak casks. Let’s give it up for them!
Six months ago I launched my campaign from a little gluten-free donut shop not too far from here. Some of you were there on that globally warmed day. I spoke of a free-range America; of the America that America was before America became “cool.” You know what I’m talking about. The real America. And on that day I made you a promise, and I have kept that promise.
My fellow free-range Americans, what I promised you on that day was a 110% acid-free, free-trade, non-GMO organic vegan cruelty-free conflict-free gluten-free presidential campaign, and that is what I have delivered. As you know, my campaign doesn’t accept money from Wall Street or Main Street. That’s right. Not only do my supporters work for free — they’ve never accepted currency of any kind at any point in their lives— but they sleep in the forest on anti-corporate sheepskins and sustain themselves on low-impact hydroponic sunbeams and seasonal hope.
But don’t let those sheepskins fool you, oh no. My supporters are not just any group of voters that follow the herd, and this is not just any campaign. You, unlike most people out there, are different. You are special. You know it, and I know it, and now that we are getting the chance to talk like this, you will know it even more. Because our movement is not only grassroots, but is actually grass-fed and farm-raised by a ragtag bunch of zany misfits. As your candidate, I am not only cage-free but I am allergic to cages. It isn’t like an aversion thing where I just don’t like them, either. I have an Epi-pen and everything. For cages. That’s how cage-free I am.
Plus, our symbolically patented Truth Wash mouthwash ensures that this and all communications you will receive from me are 1,000% falsehood-free. (For those of you who practice, my numerology number is the Fibonacci sequence.)
As you know, I am not a politician, but not only that, I had actually never even heard of politics or Wall Street or banks until I was pushed onto the table at that donut shop last year, because the ragtag bunch of zany misfits that raised me wouldn’t allow it. Before they found me and picked the burs out of my pelt, I was raised by apolitical wolves.
I believe in an activated, alkalized, adaptogenic, artisanal America, and I’m glad that I can count on your vote in this, that most authentic of experiences, the American Presidential Primary. I’m glad, and you’re glad, that you’ve chosen to support the authentic choice: me, your cage-free, gluten-free, conflict-free, cruelty-free, free-radical-free, born-free, corruption-free, guilt-free, politics-free fermented hand-crafted candidate enriched with organic avocado oil, cashmere extract and socialist kale!