AG Jeff Sessions:
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great country, when they see perfectly good warehouses fill up with the children of migrant workers.
Sen. Mitch Mcconnell:
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Speaker Paul Ryan:
I’m thinking about cutting entitlements. That’s pretty much all I think about, though.
Sen. Ben Sasse:
I’m thinking that Russia should not be added to the G7. And it was wrong of the President to suggest it.
Sen. Jeff Flake:
Hear hear!
ACLU:
Taking children away from their parents violates the Constitution, you numbnuts. Due process is a thing. Senator Cruz — we believe you’re a Constitutionalist. Tell them.
18 seconds pass
Sen. Ted Cruz:
That’s not a constitutional area I’ve studied so I will withhold judgment.
Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen:
What can I do? The President is angry with me. But I think what Attorney General Sessions is getting at here is that whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these children sound and useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
Sen. Marco Rubio:
What do you mean? You mean do the decent thing and let them be with their parents? Give them their rights?
Raucous laughter
President Donald J. Trump:
IT’S A TERRIBLE POLICY BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE… 13 ANGRY DEMOCRATS ARE FORCING ME JUST LIKE THEY FORCED ME TO HIRE PAUL MANAFORT AND SLEEP WITH STORMY DANIELS. MIKE, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ALL THOSE WATER BOTTLES ON THE FLOOR?
Vice President Mike Pence:
I can’t explain it myself, sir. The important thing is that none of these children are homosexuals. Are they?
Sen. Jeff Merkley:
This is morally bankrupt, wrong on every level. You don’t hurt children to influence policy choices of the parents.
Deputy Press Secretary Hogan Gidley:
Stop being so mean to our law enforcement officials.
Rudy Giuliani:
Also, don’t call Ivanka mean names! Sex workers are untrustworthy whores!
Sen. Dianne Feinstein:
We are introducing legislation to stop this immoral zero-tolerance policy of separating children from their parents.
Rick Santorum:
But Obama Obama Obama Obama tan suit caused racism.
President Donald J. Trump:
YES — IT’S ALL OBAMA’S FAULT. 13 ANGRY DEMOCRATS!
Sen. Mitch McConnell:
Speaking of blaming Democrats, I am canceling the Senate’s August recess to push through the President’s nominees. We’ll stack the courts with white supremacists like Wendy Vitter and Thomas Farr.
Sen. Bob Corker:
Is there no one among us who will speak up for what’s right? These tariff and trade policies cannot stand.
Rep. Steve King:
Why is everyone getting so upset? We used to separate slave children from their parents. Now that’s what I call white people civilization!
AG Jeff Sessions:
Still, we are stuck with all these children. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
Speaker Paul Ryan:
Hang on. Before you suggest eating these children, is there any way to take care of Dreamers without alienating the GOP base?
Silence
Speaker Paul Ryan:
No. I guess not. But won’t the base object if we stop treating these children like human beings? If we actually propose eating them as policy? I mean, is that really a line we can cross?
Sen. Jeff Flake:
Please let me retire with a teeny bit of dignity. Please.
President Donald J. Trump:
I DON’T LIKE EATING CHILDREN. I HATE IT. BUT THE DEMOCRATS ARE MAKING ME DO IT.
Speaker Paul Ryan:
Mmmmm. Delicious cutting of entitlements. Sorry. What were you saying?
Sen. John McCain:
We can’t do this, guys.
President Donald J. Trump:
SHUT UP LOSER!
Former Presidential Aide Kelly Sadler:
Don’t mind him. He’s dying anyway.
Vice President Mike Pence:
We cannot eat homosexual children.
President Donald J. Trump:
IT’S OBAMA’S FAULT! 13 ANGRY DEMOCRATS! WITCH HUNT!