- Hello, it’s me.

- Who is this?

- I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet to go over everything.

- I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong number.

- They say that time’s supposed to heal you, but I ain’t done much
healing.

- Oh, I get it. This is a 12-step thing. Do I know you?

- Hello, can you hear me?

- Sorry, you were breaking up. What did you say your name was?

- I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be when we were younger and free.

- Is this Jen? Did Steve put you up to this? Is he still mad that I stuck him with the bar tab at Cory’s bachelor party? That was, like, 15 years ago!

- I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet.

- If this isn’t Jen, then who is it?

- There’s such a difference between us and a million miles.

- Is this Patty from high school?

- Hello from the other side…

- Wait, are you, like, dead? Am I dreaming?

- I must’ve called a thousand times, to tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done, but when I call you never seem to be home.

- No, we’re home, it’s just that we get so many telemarketers, we started screening our calls.

- Hello from the outside…

- OK, now you’re scaring me. You’re outside? [Holds hand over phone, yells to wife] Honey, get the kids away from the windows!

- At least I can say that I’ve tried, to tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart…

- Wait, what? We never even dated!

- But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart, anymore.

- Look, don’t take this the wrong way, Patty, but I think we talked maybe once in algebra class, that time I asked if I could borrow your eraser…

- Hello, how are you?

- Pretty freaked out at the moment, if you really want to know!

- It’s so typical of me to talk about myself. I’m sorry. I hope that you’re well.

- Oh, yeah, fine, everything’s fine. Look, Patty, it’s been awesome catching up, but I’m going to hang up now…

- Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

- Oh, great. That’s just great. For your information, I LIKE it here! I have a very lucrative Mailboxes, Etc. franchise, the kids are in little league …

- It’s no secret that the both of us are running out of time.

- [To wife] Honey, take the kids, lock yourselves in the bathroom and call the police!

- So hello from the other side…

- Oh my god… your voice… it’s so familiar. I can’t quite place it. You’re not Patty!

- I must’ve called a thousand times…

- No! It can’t be! Rachel? Rachel from Cardholder Services?

- To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done, but when I call you never seem to be home

- You’re real?

- Hello from the outside…

- Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. I see you over by the tetherball pole.

- At least I can say that I’ve tried…

- [On landline, whispering] Yes, officer, I’ll keep her on the phone.

- To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart, but it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart…

- Rachel, listen to me! It does tear me apart. I swear it does! I’m sorry I had to put you on the Do Not Call List. I had no choice, you called so many times! Before 9 a.m., after 9 p.m., every day, even Sundays. But it never worked, because you just kept calling. You’re calling now! SEE, IT NEVER WORKED!

- Anymore, ooh…

- OK, listen. I know you feel bad. I can relate, you were just trying to make a living. I forgive you, Rachel! Do you hear me? I’ll pick up from now on, I promise!

- Hello from the other side…

- [To officer on landline] What do you mean you lost her? She was right there by the tetherball!

- I must’ve called a thousand times…

- Rachel? Rachel, listen, you can have my credit card number! Just please don’t hurt my family!

- To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done…

- She couldn’t have just vanished! Did you check the garage?

- But when I call you never seem to be home.

- Rachel, I’m sorry, OK? I’m sorry I ever doubted you. I thought that you were a phone scam probably originating from a highly sophisticated phishing operation based in Russia, but clearly, I was wrong and you’re a lovely person who feels things very deeply!

[Knock at front door.]

- Hello from the outside…

- WAIT. DID YOU JUST KNOCK? ARE YOU OUTSIDE MY DOOR?!

- [From behind door] Sir, this is Officer O’Malley from the police department.

- Oh, thank god. For a moment there I thought she was standing right outside my—

- Sir, tech has traced the call: IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

- Anymore…