Better Off as
BY FRANK LESSER
As a result of their breakup, Mike Bennett and Jen Grunwald hereby agree to end all online contact immediately, subject to the terms and conditions set forth below, and also to both parties getting a good Wi-Fi signal.
Mr. Bennett and Ms. Grunwald (hereinafter “the former couple”) shall change their Facebook relationship status to “Single” within three (3) days of each other, and no more than three (3) weeks from the end of their relationship. Furthermore, each party shall wait a minimum of six (6) months before changing his or her status to “In a relationship,” even if said new relationship began earlier. Should either party be tagged in a photo with a new significant other before the expiration of the agreed-upon grace period, both parties shall be subject to a court-ordered defriending.
Additionally, both parties agree that any friend of the opposite sex added by Ms. Grunwald during this six-month period shall be assumed by Mr. Bennett to be more than friends.
The two parties shall not comment on the same Huffington Post pieces to avoid a hostile environment (hereinafter “a flame war”). Huffington Post visitation rights shall be as follows: Mr. Bennett shall comment solely on world news, New York politics, and Christina Hendricks’s STUNNING red-carpet dress. Ms. Grunwald shall comment solely on national news, style, and John Cusack’s musings on monetary policy.
The former couple’s joint Twitter account, @CoupleNoodles, shall be divided as follows: eighty (80) characters to Ms. Grunwald and the remaining sixty (60) characters to Mr. Bennett. Their three (3) followers will be divided thusly: @RockefellerCentaur to Ms. Grunwald and @YogurtFace to Mr. Bennett. @ManOfLaMunchies will decide he’d rather not read 140-character-long soup recipes from two people who used to date, although he will admit their “Ginger Recrimination Noodles Which You Cooked Too Long” were delicious.
Both parties agree to refrain from checking in at the following Foursquare locations: “Chez You, Chez Me,” the ironically named restaurant where the former couple went on their first date; “Hello, Is It Drinks You’re Looking For?,” the bar where Mr. Bennett first told Ms. Grunwald he loved her; and “Three Times A Skate Rink,” the rollerskating club where they had their final fight and Mr. Bennett is pretty sure he saw Ms. Grunwald skate away with another guy.
Furthermore, Mr. Bennett is forbidden from checking in at Ms. Grunwald’s favorite bar, although he is still allowed to check in at the bar down the street from his apartment, which he will do many times while drowning his sorrows. He may even become Mayor.
Both parties shall create new music channels on Pandora.com to avoid hearing any songs that remind them of the former relationship. For Ms. Grunwald, this consists primarily of Lionel Richie’s greatest hits. For Mr. Bennett, this consists of songs containing melodies, rhythms, lyrics, or any combination thereof.
Regarding Mr. Bennett’s substantial World of Warcraft holdings, Ms. Grunwald shall be entitled to alimony of 460 gold pieces a month, or Brood of Nozdormu armor of equal or greater value, as well as one-half (1/2) of all quest items won by Mr. Bennett during their relationship, excluding property recaptured by orc chieftain Grom Hellscream.
Ms. Grunwald may elect to forfeit all WoW-related earnings in exchange for “never having to hear another word about that stupid game.” An additional hearing shall be held within the year to determine Ms. Grunwald’s share of the 1,000 free hours of AOL Mr. Bennett inherited from his mother.
Photos of the former couple in happier times along with all photos of the other party shall be removed from each party’s photo-sharing sites (including but not limited to Flickr, Picasa, Photogg, Camra, Picklr, Jpegasus, Jpegfast-at-GIFfany’s). Instead, copies of these photographs shall be hidden deep on each party’s hard drive, inside multiple folders and under cryptic titles, and shall only be opened accidentally one (1) year from now by Mr. Bennett while looking for old ramen recipes, at which point he will be overcome with crippling nostalgia and regret. He will cry every night for no fewer than five (5) weeks.
At this point, it shall definitely be time for that court-ordered defriending.
SUGGESTED READSTo the Loyal Patrons of 4 Play Diamond Lounge
by Lucas Kavner (7/6/2010)
I’m the Foursquare Mayor of This Goddamn Safeway
by Erin Glaser (12/1/2010)
by Gregory Hudson (6/28/2007)
RECENTLYMy Child’s Imaginary Friend is a Podcast
by Sam Pasternack (2/10/2016)
Listicles For People Exactly Like You: 9 Problems Only Dave the Programmer Understands
by Rufi Thorpe (2/10/2016)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Magazine Editors On the Best Times to Send Rejections
by Kavita Das (2/10/2016)