This quest begins when Your Superior walks up to your desk anytime between 4:30 and 5:01 pm. He will ask you to print out eleven reports double-sided black and white, bind them in three-ring binders that have “those transparent slide-y things on the cover” and print out color cover sheets on card stock paper. There’s a timer on this quest. You’ll need to finish this by 2:45 pm the next day. AlI characters will tell you different times so you should record this in your Quest Journal for later reference.
Begin the quest by printing out the reports using the second-to-last version that was emailed to you last Wednesday. Using the latest version results in having to reprint pages 7 and 8 for all of the reports and you will be unable to complete the quest in time unless you have the Amulet of Convincing Computer Crashes. (If you have this equipped, use it when Your Superior incorrectly claims that the meeting starts at 2 pm.)
Once you have the reports printed, you’ll need to access the three-ring binders. Unlike previous quests, which directed you to Storage Closet 3, you will need to access the locked Meeting Room Storage Closet A. Go to Human Resources and ask Sherryl first. She will tell you that she has the key to the meeting room but not the storage closet. Accept the offer to get the key to the meeting room and head back to the meeting room.
Once in the meeting room, try to open Storage Closet A just as Lawrence walks by. He will notice that you are trying to get into the closet and open it for you. If you take the red three-ring binders you will activate the Avoid ‘Office Supplies Missing’ Meeting side quest. The blue three-ring binders will give you +2 to Synergy and the black ones will give you +2 to Self-Direction. Choose whichever you are missing from your résumé.
Go back to your desk and put the three-ring binders in a desk drawer, otherwise Dave will steal one. When you attempt to print the color cover sheets you’ll be presented with 25 arcane printer names. Only one printer, Fujitsiu Photocopier 3 (not hooked up to print via CUPS), has the card stock you need. You will have to solve the printer naming code puzzle in order to choose the correct printer with the card stock. Three wrong tries will result in getting a memo from IT and your printing access will be revoked.
The correct printer name is derived from the formula PRINTER BRAND/INK OPTIONS/OFFICE SECTION NUMBER/NAME OF PERSON THAT SET UP THE PRINTER – YEAR THEIR FAVORITE BASEBALL TEAM WON THE WORLD SERIES. You can find the office section number and the names of the various IT people that set up the printers on the wall of the server room in the basement. You should have found this in the Help Boss Use Outlook side quest.
If you are printing on the first day of the quest use FUJ-COL-3/KEVIN-93. If you’re printing on the day that it is due, the copier will be out of order and you will have to print to your default printer and then walk all the way over to Fujitsiu Photocopier 3 and make a color copy on the correct paper stock.
Once you’ve completed the printing, you have to find the New Three-Hole Punch that used to be near the copy station. Go ask Anne if she saw who took it. She will tell you it is not her job to babysit the office supplies. At this point you have three dialogue options. If you reply with “EAT SHIT ANNE, I’VE HAD A LONG DAY,” she will reveal a secret three-hole punch but you’ll be required to pay an extra $30 for an expensive lunch during the Requisite Working Lunch Meeting quest. Selecting “Oh, okay, sorry.” and then talking to Jordan two desks down will reveal the hole-punch. Selecting “I’m sorry, I just thought you’d be a decent human being and help me out” will cause the break room to run out of K-cups during the boss fight.
(Note: Anne is susceptible to pleading attacks. If you cast level 6 ignorance she will usually give you a hint for the quest, but this will reduce future dialogue options unless you have the Cloak of Small Talk.)
Return the key to Sherryl by placing it on her desk while she’s at lunch. Otherwise, she will ask what you are doing this weekend and you will have to play the Weekend Work Social Obligations side quest which will cost you $60 and force you to attend a baby shower on a Saturday morning. (This will decrease your charisma by 3.)
Play the Assemble the Reports mini-game. If you get more than 5 paper cuts you will bleed on the reports, lose the game and have to start over. Complete the mini-game by 2:45 and bring the reports to Conference Room A. There you will find Your Superior who will tell you that the meeting has moved upstairs to Conference Room C but no one knows the room has changed. Make two signs for the room change and make sure to put the second one on the back door that attaches to the administrative office suite or The Boss will blame you for missing the meeting.
After making the signs bring the reports to Conference Room C. Make sure to avoid Dave by walking by his desk while he’s looking at porn. If Dave catches you he will shoot you with a Nerf gun and your wisdom will drop by 2 points for the next half hour, raising your probability of repeating what someone else has already said in the meeting. When you get to Conference Room C sit in one of the seats along the wall. If you downloaded the Zynga DLC you can play Words With Friends while the meeting takes place.
Once the meeting is over Your Superior will reward you with Mild Appreciation and a Rush Job, which will give you immunity against four of Dave’s ‘Workaholics Impression’ Attack.
SUGGESTED READSWhat in the Hell is That Thing? FAQ
by Mike Sacks (4/19/2010)
List: Questions for the Office Manager
by Mike Topp (12/21/2000)
List: Frequently Asked Questions at the Office
by Kurt Shriner (9/23/2002)
RECENTLYTake The Challenge
by Sarah Rosenshine (1/30/2015)
Monologue: I’m the Cool Wife In a Snack Dip Commercial
by Mike Lacher (1/30/2015)
List: Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both the Super Bowl and a Superb Owl
by Michael Ward (1/30/2015)
POPULARJamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
An Honest Letter from Your I.T. Department
by Greg Edwards (1/7/2015)