It is 2007. The director JULIE TAYMOR is casting about for a new project.]
JULIE TAYMOR
I need a challenge
Something ambitious
That way, my triumph
Will be delicious
Her friends FRED, BILL, and ANDY make suggestions.]
FRED
A play about NASA?
BILL
One about war?
ANDY
Or Lion King 2: Simba Roars Even More?
JULIE TAYMOR
Let’s think of a project that
Represents an awesome test
The musical equivalent
Of invading Russia from the west
[JULIE TAYMOR holes herself up to think. One day she shows up at the office, short of breath. Her friends are eating lunch: Chinese food.]
JULIE TAYMOR
Eureka! I have it!
I know what it should be
I was touched by genius
And that genius was me
Her friends look up. Noodles dangle from their mouths.]
FRED
Tell us
JULIE TAYMOR
Guess!
FRED
I don’t think we can
JULIE TAYMOR
Ok. I’ll tell you.
It’s Spider-Man
[_Her friends stare at her dumbly. A shrimp falls from _FRED’s chopsticks. JULIE TAYMOR begins to pace around the room, growing increasingly exercised.]
JULIE TAYMOR
I had a dream of a web
It gave me the spins
When I woke I knew just how
My epic begins
Poor Peter Parker
Gets a bite on the hand
And is given great power
That he can’t understand
And just as young Parker
Was changed by radiation
I was bitten by an idea
And transformed by inspiration
FRED
Can you give me specifics?
This is all kind of hazy
We wouldn’t want people
To think that you’re crazy.
JULIE TAYMOR
Yes, yes, Fred, of course.
I should also mention
The play’s special genius:
Disbelief of suspension
The cast will be harnessed
And hung from high wires
They’ll play in the rafters
Like heavenly choirs
Battles and love scenes
Take place in the air
Most of the action
Will happen up there
We’ll have pop songs, too
Bono and the Edge…
FRED
I think maybe someone
Should talk her off the ledge
No one does. JULIE TAYMOR plows ahead. The play is bedeviled by delays and production mishaps, chronicled in such excruciating detail by the press that they need only be summarized here in a series of quatrains.]
ACTOR #1
Come into my parlor
Said the spider to the fly
Look out for that divider
They built the thing too high
ACTOR #2
I feel godly up here
So filled up with glory
I can hardly remember
The Icarus story
ACTOR #3
This is so exciting
The theatre’s in my blood
And vice-versa, also
Did someone hear a thud?
ACTOR #4
No cause for concern
No cause for alarm
A doctor will set
That stuntman’s left arm
ACTOR #5
He soared over us
Like a majestic bird
Then he fell to the ground
And lay there without a word
ACTOR #6
This all is wondrous
Breathtaking perfection
Except for the day
Of the safety inspection
Finally, it is the first night of previews. JULIE TAYMOR is nervously pacing.]
JULIE TAYMOR
Today is the day
My grand onstage vision
Will be realized
With grace and precision
We’ve overcome trouble
To give our play breath
Just like those witches
At the start of Macbeth
The show starts.]
FRED
The first hour is over
It came off mostly right
Just three things crashed down
Two guys and a light
JULIE TAYMOR
Do you think it’s wonderful?
FRED
She needs such reassurance
She should worry more
About the show’s insurance
Near the end of the play, JULIE TAYMOR peels off her face to reveal that she’s the GREEN GOBLIN.]
FRED
Wait, you aren’t Julie!
You’ve cruelly betrayed us
Not to mention delayed us
At least you paid us.
GREEN GOBLIN
Who else but an evil
And lunatic villain
Would waste twenty months
And $65 million?
I’ve been laying a trap
Like a cat for a mouse
The real Julie Taymor
Is tied up at my house
The GREEN GOBLIN throws a goblin grenade. It explodes right next to FRED, injuring him.]
FRED
I am dying
I am dying
Now I can say it.
Way too much flying.
[FRED dies. The crowd begins to scream and run for the exits. The GREEN GOBLIN throws another grenade at the actor playing Spider-Man, who ducks behind J. Jonah Jameson’s desk.]
ACTOR
You know how I said
I was into the part?
There’s a limit to what
I will do for my art
The real SPIDER-MAN arrives.]
SPIDER-MAN
Hey, Goblin, surprise!
Now I would advise
That you leave them alone
And cover your eyes
[SPIDER-MAN shoots a web at the GREEN GOBLIN_’s face, attempting to blind him, but the_ GREEN GOBLIN turns aside. The two of them leap to the rigging and begin to battle.]
GREEN GOBLIN
Hey web-slinger,
Now I’ll put you through the wringer
Hey web-head,
This play ends when you are dead
[SPIDER-MAN distracts the GREEN GOBLIN by pretending to read some early reviews.]
SPIDER-MAN
“Forget delayed. Forget postponed.
This debacle should be disowned.”
“The biggest waste of money since
The millions sent to Port-au-Prince.”
“A worthless, hard-to-follow botch
That kicks the theatre in the crotch.”
The GREEN GOBLIN stops.]
GREEN GOBLIN
Hm. I don’t mean to digress
But I really must confess
That I didn’t think the show
Was all that awful. It had flow
To go along with all the flash.
I wasn’t sure I had a smash
But I didn’t think that it would flop
These critics seem to me improp…
[SPIDER-MAN swings on his web and knocks the GREEN GOBLIN to the ground, killing him. The remaining audience members begin to applaud. They are BONO and THE EDGE.]
BONO
I give this show the highest of praise
It moves me in mysterious ways
I agree that the critics unduly
Criticized it. Don’t you, Julie?
THE EDGE
First of all, that isn’t Julie.
Didn’t you see? It’s the Green Goblin.
BONO
This is Julie’s night, The Edge
I don’t think we should be squabbling.
THE EDGE
I’m not squabbling. I’m just saying
That the mangled body laying
Sprawled out on the stage right there
With purple cap and bright green hair
Isn’t really Julie Taymor.
That should serve as a disclaimer.
BONO
Please, The Edge, go draw the curtain
I think the rope is at stage right.
Tell Julie that we’re proud of her
And can’t wait for tomorrow night.
[THE EDGE, sighing, draws the curtain.]