1. Imagine Your Favorite Necromancer
2. Summon Said Necromancer
A. Prepare the freshly bled sheep at your altar
I. Coat your body in excess blood and sheep giblets
II. Perform the sacred bloody sheep dance
a. One, two, three, turn, plié, kick, soul scream
i. If necessary, kick, turn, wobble, one, two, stanky leg
b. Be graceful
B. Wear proper ceremonial headdress of squirrel feces
3. Retain Your Sense of Dignity
A. Do not be squeamish
I. I swear to God, it would be so embarrassing if you vomited right now
II. Maybe if you ate a healthy breakfast more often, you wouldn’t feel like shit all the time
a. And we wouldn’t have this problem
4. Compose Yourself
A. Jesus Christ, get it together already — he could be here any second
I. Oh, I think I see him
II. Shh
a. Over there
5. Greet the Necromancer
A. Oh my God, be cool
I. You’re, like, seriously freaking out right now
B. Do not shake the necromancer’s hand — that would be offensive
I. Holy shit, it’s like you want to remind him that he’s a bit lacking in the human skin department and just has miasmic greasy skeleton hands
II. At this rate, I bet you’re about ready to commit an irredeemable social faux pas like making eye contact with his skull socket pits of eternal blackness
a. Because that’s how dumb you are
i. But seriously, don’t do that either
aa. Idiot
6. Inquire About the
Nature of Death and Sacred Law
A. Steel yourself to the ensuing unholy wind and faint distant screaming
B. If the necromancer hesitates, ask about the miracle of love
I. Oh, sweet loving death!
C. Also ask about the nature of demons
I. Your place in their new great empire risen from the underworld to terrorize the mortal Earth into chthonian submission
a. Dental plan
7. Discuss the Roll of
Necromancy in Popular Culture
A. Maybe get the necromancer’s take on the series finale of Lost
B. Also maybe what the fuck was going on in Twin Peaks
I. Or anything by David Lynch really
C. Do not mention the CW’s Supernatural — that would be offensive
I. The CW’s Supernatural is for goddamn posers
II. Shit, the only impressive necromancy on that show is when they resurrect a dead narrative for a new season year after fucking year
III. The Winchester brothers can go fuck a duck
IV. Also, can you say formulaic writing?
V. How do you even get ten seasons deep into that repetitive garbage?
VI. You know what, actually bring it up
a. Just be sure to talk about what garbage it is
i. Unbelievable
8. Do Not Get Distracted
A. Stop Talking About the CW’s Supernatural
I. I think the necromancer gets the point
a. I’m starting to think you might secretly like it anyway, the way you keep going on about Dean and Sam and how cool and smart Crowley was in that last one
i. I bet you do — I bet it’s your favorite show
ii. I hope it gets canceled and you get really sad
B. Segue back into questioning the necromancer
9. Ask the Necromancer If It’s
Practical for You to Live Forever
A. Stomach the omnipresent, gravelly crunching of mice emanating from beneath the grand necromancerial robe
I. Listen, they’re just mice — I mean normal people kill mice with mouse traps all the time
a. How is that so different from the necromancer’s dark siphoning of life force from various rodents beneath the grand necromancerial robe?
i. It isn’t
b. Seriously, grow up
10. Fail to Hear the Answer to Your Question
A. Be unable to ignore the echoing snaps of mouse ribs and tiny squealing death rattles as the necromancer’s power grows ever stronger through the will of ancient magic
I. We’ve been through this about the mice
a. Be cool
b. I swear to God, if you vomit…
11. Vacantly Drool in a Trance-Like State
as the Necromancer Rasps Out the Recitation
of the Grand Necromancerial Scrolls of Old
A. Booorrring
B. I suppose you’re nodding off right now
I. Maybe it’s all the guttural incantations
a. Or all the blood that the necromancer is draining from the back of your neck into an urn of your mother’s ashes in order to power the spell
II. You really should have eaten breakfast today of all days
a. At least a banana
b. Maybe some cereal
i. Seriously, how long does it take to pour a bowl of cereal?
12. Lose Consciousness
A. Fall safely into a waist high mound of mouse bones
I. I mean, there are probably some vole and rat skeletons mixed in too, but still, that is an impressively sizable pile
13. Awaken in the Center of Your Nightmare’s Nightmare
A. Watch as reanimated mouse skeletons scurry away, obscured by a sickly green fog
B. Vaguely recall your own name as well as an insatiable thirst for the blood of wild boar
C. Stare in horror upon the endless plains of death where all you love and hold dear surrounds you, burning in agony
I. Watch with despair as all of your family and friends rattle the iron bars of their hellish cages, flames licking at their blackening bodies
II. Shield your eyes from the blinding demonic light of hell beasts pouring by the thousand out of a newly formed rift to the underworld to pillage the physical manifestations of your most cherished memories
III. Reach futilely out toward the rapidly dying figures of Sam and Dean Winchester, who are whispering in perfect unison, “You can’t save us”
a. Because you like the CW’s Supernatural, you weirdo, get it?
ii. Also, metaphor
D. Realize the necromancer is gone
I. So is your wallet
14. Assess Damage
A. Account for all childhood memories that have been erased
B. Document all unexplained ritualistic tattoo markings that have appeared covering the surface of your entire body
C. Wipe all bloody orifices clean with the ragged sacrificial loincloth you realize you are now wearing
I. The sacrificial loin cloth seems to be the only thing that you have on presently in addition to your knee-high tube socks and Velcro-strapped sandals
a. What are you — my dad?
II. When your orifices begin leaking again with a thick purple substance that can only be described as blood-ish, wipe until the oozing slows to its minimal rate
a. Classic dad
b. Take extra care around your eyeballs as well as the puncture wound in the back of your neck
i. The thick purple slime coming out of those places seems to cause itching, burning, and further memory loss
15. Make a Mental Note to Google
How to Apply for Proper Reimbursement
for Necromancer Summoning Materials
A. At least the freshly bled sheep
I. OK, well, maybe not the sheep since you got it a week old from Craigslist
a. I mean, the sheep was dead and encased whole within a four hundred pound block of ice for six months, but its blood was mostly removed only eight days ago, so that counts, right?
B. Accept that the crown of squirrel shit is undoubtedly and understandably at your own expense
I. Oh, which I forgot to mention you’re also still wearing
16. Accept Your Disappointment in
the Inadequacies of the Necromancer
A. Hey, you built this whole thing up in your mind, romanticizing the necromancer from the very start
I. It’s only natural to not have your expectations fully met
II. It’s okay to feel unsatisfied with the knowledge that your favorite necromancer is literally just a tree sloth in a bathrobe with no face and human skeleton hands
a. Who mugged you and took away your memory of your eighth birthday
III. Maybe it’s time to find a better necromancer
17. Decide On a New Favorite Necromancer
A. Preferably do this before the magic of your old favorite necromancer wipes your memory entirely clean
B. Proceed to Step 2