Introducing the Kindle Gutenberg Bookreader.
[Originally published October 5, 2009.]
You may notice that you can no longer remove the metal clasp, either from your wrist or the machine. This is by design. Since people are at risk of losing their electronics every day, we have found that this special patented Tethertanium: this titanium leash is the best method for securing your gadgets.
For your protection, we have developed a special emergency feature should your hand become accidentally severed. Without a hand the Tethertanium is in danger of slipping off of your bloody stump, thus separating you from your Kindle Gutenberg Bookreader. Our media lab has developed a nanotechnology prosthetic that will immediately grow a new hand for you within milliseconds, preserving the integrity of your relationship with your electronic reader.
You may encounter certain conditions of dampness in which you do not wish to have your Kindle Gutenberg on hand, such as the shower or perhaps while wiping. The Tethertanium will extend to a maximum length of four feet, which is long enough for you to keep it out of the shower but not long enough to, say, put it under a train track without getting maimed. As far as certain bathroom needs, we encourage most users to experiment with ambidexterity—just remember, if the device is dropped into the toilet you will receive a slightly painful shock, but fortunately, the device will continue to function.
You might be concerned that you will not be able to remove the device whenever you wish to upgrade. Upgrades are not a problem: you may personally visit one of our retail locations, where a medically certified technician will implant the new bone graft version of the Kindle Gutenberg, after performing a quick scan of all content on the device. The upgrade is free, as long as you have sufficient medical insurance.
Should you have any further inquiries about your privacy, we encourage you to study the policy, which is written for your convenience in Aramaic, a language well known to Biblical scholars with many cognates to both modern Hebrew and Arabic. Fellow Kindle Gutenberg owners like you are busy creating an Indo-Germanic version of the policy as quickly as possible.
A translation for any or all of these versions of the policy is available. You may obtain one of these by booking a viewing in our clean room. Minimum time for viewing is six to ten weeks, so pack accordingly, and note that foods, beverages, and any and all secretions are prohibited from the clean room.
Note that the policy, as well as the battery life, default language and common uses for icon-based buttons are subject to change at any time. Also note that any use of the term “Orwellian” as a comparison to the Company and user-rights holder will result in your bedroom door being kicked down by former black ops professionals in the middle of the night so that you may later participate in one of our show trials at a Tehran soccer arena.
SUGGESTED READSMonologue: Jeff Bezos Says Hi to You in the Waiting Room of Your Doctors’ Office
by Evan Johnston (8/1/2008)
The Future of Books
by James Warner (3/24/2011)
Welcome to My Rare and Antiquarian eBook Shop
by Eric Hague (12/6/2012)
RECENTLYButterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/25/2015)
Alphabetically Organized Relatives: A New Contest from Amy Krouse Rosenthal and McSweeney’s
by McSweeney's Books (11/25/2015)
Doing Science: The Wonkiness of Pure Bloodlines, and Their Unexpected Upsides
by Emily Helliwell (11/25/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)