[Originally published October 5, 2009.]

Congratulations on purchasing the newest iteration of our electronic readers, the Kindle Gutenberg Bookreader. We have made this new device compatible with all previous versions of the e-book, but there are some new features we’d like to introduce. In prior versions of the device we’ve made some missteps in terms of privacy, and our agreement between you, the content holders, and us, the content and device providers. Please read the privacy policy before doing anything else.

The privacy policy is located within the electronic reader itself. There is a slight difference in how you power on the Kindle Gutenberg. You’ll see a pair of metal hand clasps in the blister pack. Please first connect the bracelet to your wrist (left hand if right handed, and visa versa) then plug the other end of the clasp to its docking point. The device will now be enabled to power on.

You may notice that you can no longer remove the metal clasp, either from your wrist or the machine. This is by design. Since people are at risk of losing their electronics every day, we have found that this special patented Tethertanium: this titanium leash is the best method for securing your gadgets.

For your protection, we have developed a special emergency feature should your hand become accidentally severed. Without a hand the Tethertanium is in danger of slipping off of your bloody stump, thus separating you from your Kindle Gutenberg Bookreader. Our media lab has developed a nanotechnology prosthetic that will immediately grow a new hand for you within milliseconds, preserving the integrity of your relationship with your electronic reader.

You may encounter certain conditions of dampness in which you do not wish to have your Kindle Gutenberg on hand, such as the shower or perhaps while wiping. The Tethertanium will extend to a maximum length of four feet, which is long enough for you to keep it out of the shower but not long enough to, say, put it under a train track without getting maimed. As far as certain bathroom needs, we encourage most users to experiment with ambidexterity—just remember, if the device is dropped into the toilet you will receive a slightly painful shock, but fortunately, the device will continue to function.

The Tethertanium contains the special locater beacon, which we advertised in case you lose your electronic reader. Not only will the locater beacon help you know that your Kindle is safe and sound, and, of course, on your wrist, but the beacon will also let us know your location, which helps us develop specially targeted ads based on your latitude, longitude, and altitude. For your own security we have scrambled the altitude within ten feet. To opt out of the locater beacon’s geo-ads, please refer to the privacy policy.

You might be concerned that you will not be able to remove the device whenever you wish to upgrade. Upgrades are not a problem: you may personally visit one of our retail locations, where a medically certified technician will implant the new bone graft version of the Kindle Gutenberg, after performing a quick scan of all content on the device. The upgrade is free, as long as you have sufficient medical insurance.

Now that you’ve learned everything about the externalities of the Kindle Gutenberg you’re ready to read our new privacy policy. To sum up, you own every piece of content on the device until death. To sum up, ownership of the device and user have been switched, so the company may take possession of the end user at any time so that you may work in one of our camps where you will write positive reviews to new books available on the reader.

Should you have any further inquiries about your privacy, we encourage you to study the policy, which is written for your convenience in Aramaic, a language well known to Biblical scholars with many cognates to both modern Hebrew and Arabic. Fellow Kindle Gutenberg owners like you are busy creating an Indo-Germanic version of the policy as quickly as possible.

A translation for any or all of these versions of the policy is available. You may obtain one of these by booking a viewing in our clean room. Minimum time for viewing is six to ten weeks, so pack accordingly, and note that foods, beverages, and any and all secretions are prohibited from the clean room.

Note that the policy, as well as the battery life, default language and common uses for icon-based buttons are subject to change at any time. Also note that any use of the term “Orwellian” as a comparison to the Company and user-rights holder will result in your bedroom door being kicked down by former black ops professionals in the middle of the night so that you may later participate in one of our show trials at a Tehran soccer arena.