Review of Andy, host of 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Andy’s studio was the perfect place for me to stay while I was in town on business for two weeks. A really cool, old-school NYC vibe. On some nights I had a little trouble sleeping; might have been I wasn’t used to the bed, but overall it was great!

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Review of Jeff, guest at 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Jeff was an excellent guest. Since this was my first time renting on Airbnb, I was afraid of how my neighbors would take to me renting the place to strangers. Turns out, they loved Jeff! They couldn’t stop talking about him, and they even said for me to tell Jeff that they said hello when I leave this review.

Jeff, could you elaborate on what was wrong with the bed? I’d like to fix any problems before you stay here next.

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Response from Jeff, guest at 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Tell your next-door neighbors, Deborah and Louis, hi back for me! And Mitch too! The bed was fine! It was just a little lumpy is all. NBD!

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Response from Andy, host of 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Hi Jeff! Thanks for your additional details regarding the bed. I’ve replaced it. I bought a brand-new, top-of-the-line, king size spring-foam from Sealy. You can check the reviews online. It’s the best.

Beyond that, all I can do is apologize. From the depths of my being, I am truly sorry you did not experience a restful stay in my apartment. Your sleep will be so much better the next time you’re here. Perhaps we can arrange the dates now?

PS: Deborah and Louis say hello back. As does Mitch. And my super, Hugo. They all wish you the very best.

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Response from Jeff, guest at 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

You replaced it? Ha! LOL!

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Response from Andy, host of 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Hi Jeff! So it seems like in your last reply you might have thought I was joking. To make clear that the bed has indeed been replaced, please go to the property photos section, where I’ve added several photos of the new mattress, including one with me sitting on it, holding today’s newspaper for proof of life.

Now that that’s cleared up and you can be assured of nothing but sweet dreams on your next stay, let’s talk dates. I’d like to offer you a preferred customer discount. Simply enter the code PLEASECOMEBACK when booking your dates for 90% off your next stay.

Deborah, Louis, Mitch and Hugo all say hi. Mitch says he saw you in a dream he had last night. He wants to know if you saw him in yours.

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Response from Jeff, guest at 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Hey, um. Wow. I really didn’t think it needed to be replaced or anything, but I guess that just proves what a great host you are! Don’t see any future trips to your city on the horizon, but when I do have one I’ll definitely consider your place again. Thanks!

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Response from Andy, host of 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Hello Jeff. Lot of changes here at 79 Second Avenue. You’ll note all new pictures in the property photos album. Your eyes aren’t deceiving you. I’ve done a complete overhaul of the apartment.

Since you said the place had an “old-school NYC vibe,” I took that to mean you might have found it a little antiquated, and that might factor into your hesitation to stay here again (that in addition to “Bed-Gate,” for which I continue to apologize). Well, take a look now! New paint. All the appliances in the kitchen have been replaced. And the bathroom has been redone top to bottom. You’ll walk in and think it’s a never before lived-in condo!

Just for good measure, I also replaced the bed again. Just to get rid of any lumps I’ve added from sleeping on it in the months since you’ve been gone.

I’d like to offer you a free stay to try it out. As long as you like. Whenever you like. Hope to get your booking soon!

Deborah, Louis, Mitch and Hugo all say hi, and they miss you very much.

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Response from Jeff, guest at 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Congrats on the renovation. I’m sorry to say that I really won’t be able to visit your city any time soon. Best of luck.

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Response from Andy, host of 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

Jeff. I pray that you’re awake and you’re online right now, because I’ll be deleting this reply five minutes after publishing it for fear of my neighbors seeing it.

In your brief interactions with my neighbors, you had a profound effect on them, Jeff. In some way or another, you enchanted them.

Deborah and Louis say that having you around made them fall back in love with each other. Mitch told me that after his chats with you sitting on the front stoop, he went back to AA for the first time in four years. Hugo confided that fixing the stuck lock on the door while you were here made him value his career choice more than he has in years.

You showed them the value of having a good neighbor nearby. And you apparently revealed to them my shortcomings by comparison.

They’ve been soooo mean to me, Jeff. Shoulder-checking me in the hallway. Emptying my clothes from the dryer while still wet. Spraypainting YOU SUCK, BRING BACK JEFF on my door.

They replaced the mattress. They paid for the renovations to the apartment, with Hugo doing most of the work. They think I’m preventing you from coming back. Every time you leave a new review indicating that you won’t be returning, they break into my apartment in the middle of the night and pound me awake by swinging towels wrapped around bars of soap into my mid-section, ordering me to leave another response to persuade you.

It’s not just for my own well-being that I want you to return, Jeff. It’s for theirs. Mitch started drinking again. We had to check him into an inpatient rehab when we found him outside, drunkenly caressing the step where he used to sit with you. I used to hear Deborah and Louis making love through the wall, taking turns role-playing as you, arguing that one of them wasn’t doing your Minneapolis accent correctly. Now they only argue. And Hugo is in prison for attempted arson after trying to rig the wiring to set the building on fire. He said in his trial that with you gone, the building is already a charred husk where once, briefly, there was joy.

Please, come back Jeff. I’m not the neighbor they need right now. You are. Please rent my apartment again, and save my neighbors from themselves.

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Response from Jeff, guest at 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and for whatever part I played in these events, but I absolutely will not be returning to your apartment. I will now be disabling my Airbnb account.

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Message to prospective guests from Andy, host of 79 Second Avenue One-Bedroom:

I will no longer be hosting guests at my apartment at 79 Second Avenue. There is no apartment anymore. I gave it up. I’m hitting the open road, heading to Minneapolis to find Jeff, so I can finally meet the man who had such an effect on my building. I don’t plan to sign another lease anytime soon, at least not until I’m ready. Not until Jeff is willing to meet with me, and perhaps teach me how to be a better neighbor.