1. Send a check for $59.95 to Miracle Weight Loss International’s worldwide headquarters at 11731 Ocean Dr. Apt. #435, Orlando, Florida 32801. We also accept cash!
2. Live wild! Your diet should entirely rely on foods high in fat and/or processed sugars, including, but not limited to, burgers, fries, hot dogs, cake, ice cream, toffee, pot pie, candy, and soda.1 Both heavy drinking and physical trauma (i.e. getting hit by a car, falling off a small building)2 will expedite this preliminary step.
3. Notice an alarming, sharp pain in your belly, unlike any upset stomach you’ve ever had. Don’t worry: You haven’t accidentally swallowed barbed wire; you will be okay!3
4. Admit yourself to the nearest ER, out of fear for your life.4 Fret not! Everything will make sense when, in 30 days’ time, you look in the mirror and see your brand new, slim bod.
5. Have appendicitis, splenorrhagia, or any treatable — but dire — condition of the abdominal region,5 which the doctor will tell you requires immediate surgery. It’s not every day you meet an anesthesiologist!
6. Post-op, be incapable of keeping down food. You will receive nutrients intravenously, while a clear plastic tube extracts any backed-up stomach bile. That’s right: no more counting calories!
7. Let the 30-day weight loss begin!
8. After several weeks in this purgatorial state, transfer to another hospital for a second opinion. At this point, you will probably question whether it was wise to incorporate gluttony and internal bleeding into your diet plan, with the hope of eventually shedding body fat by lying in an opiate-induced, atrophic delirium for a prolonged period.6 You might also wonder if your insurance is actually going to cover all this7 Keep your faith in the program.8 You’re going to look and feel great in those goal jeans!9
9. Undergo another operation in order to correct a complication you don’t fully understand. It’s okay, we don’t understand it either. That’s why we’re not doctors!
10. Go home and enjoy life 40 pounds lighter! Wow. Is that really you? Even we didn’t think you’d trim four inches off your waistline.10
11. Repeat as needed.
1 There’s a chance this will cause temporary weight gain.
2 We do not advocate you attempting to injure yourself in any way.
3 Unless you’re not.
4 DISCLAIMER: Refrain from using these 11 steps to lose 40 pounds in 30 days if you have subpar or no health insurance.
5 We assume no liability if your condition turns out to be untreatable.
6 Didn’t you know this was the plan all along?
8 Just forego mentioning it to anyone at the hospital.
9 Especially once you can go home and towel off the crustiness accumulating around your mouth and genitals.
10 Results may vary.