The commercial opens on an idyllic lake. Birds are chirping. A breeze is rustling. An older man is fishing. He turns to the camera with a good-natured grin and says:
Hi there. I’m [old actor you are surprised to learn is still alive]. You may remember me from [obscure film you do not remember him from] or [1970s game show].
Is your [body part] not working quite like it used to? Are you finding it harder and harder to [verb] these days?
Don’t you worry! I’m here to tell you that my [body part] stopped working too. I ignored my little problem as long as I could — until an unfortunate night in [scenic location] with my wife Sylvia, a bottle of [alcoholic beverage], a plate of [fruit], and a suitcase full of [nouns].
I went to the doctor the very next day, and he prescribed [medication whose name has 12 syllables]. After just one dose, my [body part] was as good as new! Sylvia dusted off the suitcase full of [nouns], and we picked up right where we left off.
What does this all have to do with fishing? I’ll give you a hint: The fishing rod is a metaphor for my [body part], the fishing reel is a metaphor for [medication], and the lake is a metaphor for Sylvia.
You deserve to live a life without a malfunctioning [body part] too. And with [medication], now you can.
The commercial cuts to a doctor’s office. The older man is chatting amiably with his doctor. A female voiceover narrates:
This drug is not for everyone. Side effects may include [bad thing], [very bad thing], [worse thing], and [catastrophic thing].
Do not take [medication] if you are frightened by your own mortality. Do not take [medication] if you value your [type of excretion] not stinging on the way out. Do not take [medication] if your heart rate seems good where it is. Do not take [medication] if you are not in the mood to learn what “lactic acid buildup” means. Do not take [medication] if you are litigious enough to join the class-action lawsuit currently pending in Florida.
This drug killed three mice named [name 1], [name 2], and [name 3] in clinical trials. It is not approved by [government agency] despite the [luxury car] we offered as a bribe.
Some patients reported [adjective] diarrhea; others reported [adjective] constipation; others were unable to report symptoms from the grave. Stop taking [medication] if you have sudden [organ] pain; this may be a sign of a rare but serious side effect called “taking this medication.”
Don’t have asthma? Enjoy that while it lasts.
Tell your doctor if you have a family history of high blood pressure, low blood pressure, or any blood pressure. Tell your doctor if you are taking other medications; [medication] cannot be taken concurrently with Lipitor because our CEOs had a nasty falling out over [rich people hobby] in 2004.
If you have a [usually good thing that sounds bad in this context] for four hours, seek medical attention immediately. The emergency responder will get a kick out of knowing that you are sustaining a [usually good thing that sounds bad in this context] for that long.
See our ad in [magazine only found in waiting rooms] for an extremely graphic depiction of how [medication] works.
The commercial cuts back to the lake. The older man must be bad at fishing because he has not caught any fish. He says:
[Medication] is easy to take, if swallowing a pill the size of a [ball used in sports] sounds easy to you. And [medication] is noninvasive — unlike Sylvia, am I right?
For just [number] payments of [exorbitant price], we’ll deliver [medication whose name suddenly has 17 more syllables] right to your door. After all, you don’t want everyone at [convenience store] to know just how limp your [body part] is.
Call now to receive a free [useless object that sounds vaguely enticing when you’re watching TV at 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday]. We’ll even throw in this [great addition to your home if you want to star in an episode of TLC’s Hoarding: Buried Alive]. And better yet, we’ll include this informational CD-ROM with my face on it.
Ask your doctor if [medication] is right for you. As we said on [soap opera your grandmother loves]: A happy [body part] is a good [body part]. And a good [body part] is something to celebrate!
The older man goes back to fishing. Sylvia enters the frame with bait for his rod. The commercial fades out. TV Land returns to The Mary Tyler Moore Show.