My New Phone Kicks Ass.
BY JIM TATALIAS
[Originally published September 10, 2013.]
Check out my new phone. I just picked it up last week. It’s amazing. It’s a SleekBladeFlameFireSteelTitanium-SilverGoldPlatinumCocoaButterscotchcicle-AvalancheFlashLightning-LaserRobotCirclejerkHandjob 5.2.8 DSX-2 3D XL, with the metallic mustard finish and the fully loaded cup-holders. Your phone’s 4G, right? This one’s got at least 8 or 9 Gs. Suck it.
Yeah, anyway, so how’s your job and, uh, everything?… Really?… Oh, he died on top of you, wow—wait, shit, check this out. You’ll never believe this. This screen here displays more than half a billion colors at ten times the brightness of Elton John’s birthday party. The case is made of a synthetic blend of carbon nanotubes and sweatshop workers. And it’s 100 percent thinner than the last model. I can’t turn it on its side, or it’ll be gone forever.
This is cutting-edge technology. I just downloaded an app that’s like Tamagotchi meets Digi Pets. You transfer your pocket beast instantly to the International Space Station where it fights other pocket beasts in zero-gravity. I just bought my pocket beast a kick-ass hat for only $8.99, and it lets you keep it for a whole year. Fuckin’ A. There’s another app called iDiarrhea… Hold up. I gotta check in at this CVS.
Look at you there with your camera phone. I bet it shoots in 2D, huh? This shoots in 4D. What, yours does too? No, 4D does not just mean video, since the fourth dimension is time and I’m being an idiot. Well, then, mine shoots 4D in 3D. That’s 7D, overall. And 9 Gs. Keep score, hotshot.
Check out my bandwidth. I’m torrenting RapidShares and YouPorning WinRARS at 500-million petabits per microsecond, all while Netflixing and sexting in the background. What? Yeah, it’s pretty expensive. I had to use the rest of my dad’s life insurance payout to afford the data plan. My mom won’t stop crying. She’s freakin weird.
It’s getting late. Let’s get something to eat—oh, wait. Let me look up a good place on this sexy thing here. I’ll just type in “WAFFLE HOUSE.” W-A-F-… mumble-mumble. Okay, hold a sec.
What? Come on. No, I just typed—fuck.
Go, work already. Jeez. You gotta be… damn it.
I hate this stupid thing.
SUGGESTED READSThe iPhone: A User’s Guide
by Darren Cahr (1/11/2007)
Monologue: The Guy Who Lost the New iPhone Apologizes to His Team
by Rupinder Gill (4/21/2010)
A Few Years After the Complete Collapse of the Global Economy, a Consumer Reporter Reviews the iPhone
by Matthew Duverne Hutchinson (10/5/2007)
RECENTLYWanted: Holiday Husband
by Julie Daniel (11/21/2014)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: An Unfortunate Series of Unrequited Crushes
by Connie Sun (11/21/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to My Beloved Woolly Armpits
by Jennifer Burns (11/21/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Why You Should Not Have Broken Up With Me, According to Various Critical Theories
by Tommy Wallach (11/3/2014)
The Boy from Jurassic Park’s College Application Essay
by Julia Drake (11/12/2014)