Our Internet Speeds Are So Fast, You Will Lose Your Faith in God.
BY BEN GODAR
Are you tired of being in the slow lane with your current internet provider? Switch over today and we promise speeds so fast, you will lose your faith in God.
DSL can lag, especially if you’re far from the access point, and the cable companies are notorious for outages. But with our premium service, you can rest assured you will be always fast, always on and always alone in the universe.
No more waiting for that web page to load, that attachment to download or that divine spirit to listen to your prayers. Once you’re online with us, you will be surfing the web, sharing files and accepting the random folly of existence faster than you ever dreamed.
Our unique, proprietary technology is what allows us to offer the service nobody else can. If you want the fastest download and upload speeds in the industry, it can’t be DSL, it can’t be cable, and it can’t be the work of an Omnipotent Creator.
While you may experience a profound sense of ennui at the realization that your existence is lonely and temporal, it will soon be washed away as you stream Netflix while surfing the web… without that annoying buffering!
Our experienced technicians will get all your devices hooked up and counsel you through the loss of a faith tradition that goes back generations. Do you want to setup a home Wi-Fi network? They can do that. Do you need to tell your family you can no longer, in good conscience, participate in their customs and rituals? They can help you with that, too.
Best of all, you can enjoy our service without an unsightly satellite dish on your roof, wires running throughout your house or the creeping suspicion that the world as you experience it does not match-up with the tenets of your holy text.
If you sign-up today, we are offering a no-risk, money-back guarantee. If our speeds aren’t at least twice as fast as your previous provider, or if you still harbor feelings that the underlying technology of our network could be the work of an intelligent designer, just give us a call. We will reinstall your old network and restore your belief in the power of faith… at absolutely no charge.
How can we make that kind of offer? We are just that sure that our internet speeds can’t be beat and that science and reason are the foundations of the universe.
So what are you waiting for? Call today and check out the amazing service your Unitarian friends have been telling you about!
SUGGESTED READSGod Texts the Ten Commandments
by Jamie Quatro (6/3/2009)
The Love Story of Our Time, Part One
by Toph Eggers (12/18/1998)
Letters Found on Computers at an Internet Café in Bangkok
by John Bowe (2/3/2000)
RECENTLYAnnouncing McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s 2015 Column Contest
by McSweeney's (8/28/2015)
Home On the Range: Abortion Control
by Robert Lawrence (8/28/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to 17-Year-Old Boys Who Just Discovered The Doors
by Brad Lawrence (8/28/2015)
POPULARFirst Faculty Meeting of the Year Bingo
by Lisa Nikolidakis (8/25/2015)
“Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here”: A Shakespearean Guide to the 2016 Republican Primary
by Emily Uecker (8/6/2015)
Bay Area to Standard American English Translator
by Louis Weinstein (7/28/2015)