Leader:
We gather around this table tonight to celebrate our freedom, as we commemorate our collective escape — our exodus, if you will — from an uncanny replica of a shitty New York City apartment last April. Through song and story, symbol and ceremony, we will recall our journey through the wilderness of Times Square, and how we worked as a team (along with frequent hints from the Cluemaster) to overcome the challenges we faced as we escaped the room together.
We begin our story by asking the Four Questions:
The Youngest person at the table who hasn’t yet moved back in with their parents recites:
On all other nights, we pay by cash, credit, or debit. Why on this night, did we pay only by Groupon?
On all other nights, Alex totally hangs. Why on this night did she stone-cold ditch us?
On all other nights, we don’t swipe our MetroCard at all. Why, on this night, was traffic in midtown so bad that we finally gave up on Uber and took the subway so we wouldn’t miss our start time?
On all other nights, we ride the Long Island Railroad home either sitting or reclining, putting our feet up and lying all over each other on those eight seats that face each other, while laughing so loudly they can hear us two cars away. Why on this night could we not even find two seats together, except for those terrible fold-down seats that I think are for handicapped or something? Do you think maybe it was because of the auto show at the Javits?
Leader:
These questions will probably get answered at some point. Now let’s drink four glasses of wine. Because it’s Thursday.
Participants drink four glasses of wine. Then we do something with a shank bone, maybe? It’s all a little foggy at this point… Oh! The song! Don’t forget to sing the song!
Everyone sings Dayyenu, which means “Enough already”:
Dayy-dayyenu, Dayy-dayyenu, Dayy-dayyenu, Dayyenu Dayyenu!!
The chorus is sung repeatedly until participants’ ears bleed, or until the gefilte fish looks good enough to eat. Then the verses are recited:
If the cluemaster had been hot, but hadn’t asked Jordyn for her number, dayyenu!!
If he had asked Jordyn for her number, but had not given us seven extra clues, dayyenu.
If we had used the seven extra clues to escape the room with 37 seconds to spare, but hadn’t rubbed it in the face of those four Norwegian tourists stuck in there with us, dayyenu.
If we had rubbed it in the face of the Norwegians, but hadn’t taken the most hilarious post-escape picture ever, dayyenu.
If we had taken the most hilarious picture ever, but hadn’t gotten 980 likes on Instagram, well, that would’ve really sucked.
Leader holds aloft an Auntie Annie’s pretzel and recites:
This is the bread of our affliction, and also of our freedom! We eat it to commemorate how we hurried back to Penn after stopping off at H&M (where the checkout line took forever) and they called our train as soon as we got into the station, and we barely had time to grab a pretzel and hustle down the stairs so we wouldn’t be stuck for an hour inside the TGI Fridays by track 16.
Leader passes around pretzel nuggets, which participants dip twice — first into mustard, to recall the bitterness of TGI Fridays, and then into cheese sauce, which is really the best dipping sauce.
Leader:
If we hadn’t worked together (except for Alex, that bitch), or if we had been maybe a teensy bit drunker, we would never have escaped that room.
Participants recite in unison:
This year, let’s try that new downtown location where they have a room set up like an office building under a terrorist attack! Everyone on TripAdvisor says it’s super-fun!
Leader:
This concludes our Seder. Have a macaroon. No, not the delicious french dessert — the disgusting coconut cookies that come in a can. Take two if you want. And can someone please take that shank bone home with them? It’s grossing me out…