Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, as Explained by Popeye to Bluto.
BY Anthony Gini
POPEYE: I’m gonna explain ta yer that we’s is either dumb or not so dumb, accordin’ ta how ya figger out this allergorter. See, there’s fellers livin’ in a cave and they canst sees nobody or nothin’. They’s been there since they were little infinks and they’s got their arms and legs all locked up. An’ they canst move their necks, neither. So all they can sees is some shadders of gentlesmen what’s comin’ from a fire behind their backs. Garshk, it’s like bein’ in a puppet-show circus.
POPEYE: And the shadders looks like they’re carryin’ animules an’ all kinds a’ veskels an’ implemenks …
POPEYE: An’ they’re talking about these shadders and hearing the hollerin’ that the gentlesmen are makin’ an’ they’re givin’ names to all these differn’t apparatusks.
POPEYE: If’n one o’ these here fellers gets loose ‘n’ turns his neck, he gets a sharp pain an’ the light makes him squink. He’s gonner think the shadders are real and the fellers what are makin’ the shadders are imposkers.
BLUTO: Why I oughta hmemhmhmhm …
POPEYE: The loose feller wants ta know the genuine arcticle, an’ he’s gonner get himself outter these chains an’ he’s gonner look straight up in the sun, an’ he’s gonner be as blind as a mouske. But when he gets accustomated to the sun an’ starts ta see things like they really is he’s gonner get inter lots o’ troubles wit’ his old mates, what are still in the cave.
BLUTO: Oh? Sosezaweegahumnum …
POPEYE: Aye—it’s like when you sees a shape that’s looks nice, like Olive Oyl’s head, an’ you thinks it’s a perfeck circle, but it ain’t, coz it’s got things like ears and noses and buns stickin’ out the sides; you kinz only sees a perfeck circle if you sees the forms o’ things. An’ ya sees the forms o’ things wit yer mind’s eye, instead of yer regler one eye.
POPEYE: So when this enlightened-up feller comes back to the dark, he’s gonner try to tell ‘em others about the things he saw that ain’t shadders an they’s gonner take him for a looney. An’ if’n he takes one o’ his mates from the cave and brings him up to the light, the rest of ’em are gonner sees that they both comes back loonified.
BLUTO: You don’t say?
POPEYE: So they’s gonner end up murderizin’ ‘em. That’s why the smarter fellers are gonna have a hard time wit’ the eleckshuns. This here’s a political allergorter.
SUGGESTED READSFamous Philosophers and How They Were First Discovered
by Mike Sacks (5/3/2010)
Great Thoughts in the History of Western Philosophy (On the Subject of Family Matters)
by Thomas Gallick (8/23/2010)
Nietzsche’s Angel Food Cake
by Rebecca Coffey (1/15/2010)
RECENTLYScandal Befalls McGruff the Crime Dog
by Jory John (5/21/2013)
Going Where the Southern Cross the Dog: A Column About the Blues: Eddy and the Cutaways
by Jason Edward Harrington (5/21/2013)
List: How We Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk
by Julia McCloy (5/21/2013)
POPULARI Would Like to Be Pope
by John Ortved (2/25/2013)
Monologue: I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.
by Mike Lacher (6/15/2010)
Nate Silver Offers Up a Statistical Analysis of Your Failing Relationship
by Jory John (2/26/2013)