Stumpin’ With Randy.
Stumping is a vastly important aspect of politics that often gets overlooked in the face of the ever-changing media landscape.
Whether it’s a “whistle stop tour” or quickly popping into a small town general store for a little homemade apple butter and small talk, the power of meeting people IN PERSON, and getting your message across in the process, can’t be stressed enough. In addition, a great stump speech can sway the tide in a close election!
Are you a political candidate who needs help with your stumping?
Randy, or “Stumpin’ Randy” to some, comes from a long line of stumpers with a rich political history. His great-great-grandfather, Randy, was the first man to ever cut a tree down just to give a speech on its stump. Randy is an expert on stumping or “stumpin’” as he calls it (folks find this adorable).
Randy’s been in the political game for ages, and his experience and unique approach are what keep him continually in demand as a stumpin’ strategist and coach. Let it be known that his name has been uttered in virtually every government building on the planet. Ask any politician about Randy and they’ll either smile, or shake their fist. He’s that good!
Little known facts about Randy:
- Camp David was nearly named after him.
- Once talked a room full of youth pastors into believing he was an Asian woman.
- Was not involved in any way with 2000 Presidential Election.
- Has memorized the location of all fallen space debris.
- Often referred to as “The Lee Atwater of the North.”
Randy doesn’t care about your political affiliation. He’s a non-partisan stumpin’ coach, that cares only about making you the best stumper you can be.
Some of the things you are guaranteed to learn from Randy:
- The “Inverted Toe Grab,” the “Spring-Heel Push,” and other creative STUMP STANCES™ that will set you apart if you find yourself actually standing on a stump, stumpin’!
- How to communicate, “This homemade peach pie is delicious. Can I count on your vote come November?” with just a handshake.
- How to wear a straw boater and arm garter, and still appear politically relevant.
- How to silence any angry mob with a simple smoke bomb and a handful of glitter.
- How to tactfully avoid eating most varieties of potato salad.
There are a select few people out there that don’t quite jibe with Randy’s teachings. Some have called him “difficult” and “unsettling,” but usually those are folks who have trouble comprehending Randy’s genius, and end up crumpling in the face of unique visionaries. If you give yourself over to Randy’s wisdom, CULLED FROM YEARS OF EXPERIENCE, your political future will be abundant. That being said, there are a few “eccentricities” you should know about before you meet the man. Just for your own comfort!
Things to know when Randy enters a room:
- Please don’t grab at, or refer in conversation to, Randy’s homemade “stumpin’ hat.” That feather in the brim has been listed in the National Register of Historic Places.
- A handshake from Randy may last longer than you are used to, or comfortable with. Please be patient, and open to change.
- Randy doesn’t pronounce the letter “H.” It is silent to him. Don’t let this frighten you.
- Randy possesses the uncanny ability to “read teeth,” and just may be able to determine your political future based on this. If he asks you to give him “some peeks,” you’d be wise to open wide.
- Randy gets “screechy” when deprived of food or sleep.
Well, there you have it. Are you ready to master the art of stumpin’? The list of successful political household names that Randy has helped is too long to print here, but once you give over to Randy and his knowledge, you’re on your way to being on that list.
Now let’s get stumpin’!
SUGGESTED READSBitchslap: A Column About Women and Fighting: Column 60: No Holds Barred
by Susan Schorn (8/14/2015)
Public Service Announcement Paid For By The People For Electing Criss Angel, Mindfreak, In 2008’s Presidential Election
by Matt Christoph (4/14/2006)
List: Barack Obama’s Undersold 2012 Campaign Slogans
by Nathaniel Lozier (10/21/2010)
RECENTLYAnnouncing McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s 2015 Column Contest
by McSweeney's (8/28/2015)
Home On the Range: Abortion Control
by Robert Lawrence (8/28/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to 17-Year-Old Boys Who Just Discovered The Doors
by Brad Lawrence (8/28/2015)
POPULARFirst Faculty Meeting of the Year Bingo
by Lisa Nikolidakis (8/25/2015)
“Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here”: A Shakespearean Guide to the 2016 Republican Primary
by Emily Uecker (8/6/2015)
Bay Area to Standard American English Translator
by Louis Weinstein (7/28/2015)