1. How would you describe this applicant’s capabilities and work ethic?

You know, [name of interlocutor], I don’t like to throw around the words “unparalleled genius” casually, but that’s what it comes down to, right there, my friend. His abilities are most likely beyond your meager comprehension. But that’s OK, because you don’t have to understand him to hire him, which I recommend you do immediately. [Laugh smugly here.] Also, his work ethic is comparable to a draft horse. Or Jesus, maybe. He’s like something that’s determined and strong, but that can also work miracles [riff extensively on this abstract simile], and that’s all you need to know.

2. What are the applicant’s greatest strengths/weaknesses?

What—are we talking physical strengths here? I know he runs the forty in, like, two flat. Long jumps like one of the Mario brothers. Also, his torso, from what I’ve heard, is fully ripped and exploded. I once saw him lift a car to save a squirrel. A moving car, by the way. But if we’re talking about character strengths, mental strengths, then I’d say it has to be his concentration and multitasking abilities. While it may appear to you that he’s browsing the Internet, or playing PS2 games in his office with his pants off, behind those sparkling eyes, his mind is working a mile a minute, perhaps juggling seventeen or eighteen different concepts: efficiency statistics, status reports, nonlinear algorithms, sales accounts, Portuguese poetry—whatever. [Also, improvise loosely around the themes of dedication, tenacity, and loyalty.]

His greatest weakness is either his perfectionism or his inability to refuse extra responsibilities. Also, mayonnaise. Seriously.

3. What is your overall evaluation of this applicant?

He is the apotheosis of mankind, period! Ha-ha, just kidding. Or am I? [Huge contemplative pause.] In the history of time, I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed someone so young and yet so mature. Various things that come to mind when thinking about him, which I do often, even outside of work: self-possessed, tall, strong handed, upright, weight-bearing, dynamic, full bodied, melodic, sweet smelling, and aplomb-filled. I could go on and on, but let me just say this:

[Closing Argument]

Kevin Hyde is recommended if you like:

Serene wisdom
Dashing intensity
Immunity from prosecution
Unstoppable awesomeness