8:04 p.m. Already mesmerized by swirling lights and booming synthesized music, become speechless at the sight of Howie Mandel’s magnificent glowing head.
8:05 p.m. Fail to hold back tears when Howie starts speaking mockingly in squeaky “Bobby” voice from his standup routine. Tell Howie to shut up.
8:06 p.m. Recover from stage fright at sight of 26 beautiful models walking onto set carrying 26 shiny silver briefcases. Go, “Oooh, princesses!”
8:08 p.m. Introduce supporters: Gary from marketing (“We eat lunch and once he bailed me out of jail”); best friend from next door, Joleen (“I’m going to marry her”); and favorite stuffed bear, Mr. Boop.
8:11 p.m. Asked to pick a case, point and say, “That one. No, that one, the pretty one, like Christmas.” Howie runs through models until he gets to the appropriate model. Yell, “Hooray!”
8:13 p.m. Howie helpfully assists in picking six more cases by asking, “Tell you what: can you count from one to six?” Audience laughs. Laugh along, though unsure why. Count from one to six.
8:16 p.m. Howie receives call from the banker. Ask to say hi. Have fit when Howie says sorry, nobody but me is allowed to speak to the banker. Scream loudly, “I WANT TO SAY HI!” Howie explains that the banker was very busy and had to go, but maybe next time.
8:20 p.m. Time to pick four more cases. Pick number 5. Howie explains that 5 is already taken. Insist on 5. Howie breaks for commercial.
8:24 p.m. Howie has to explain again not to touch the button. “Do you want the deal?” “No.” “Then don’t touch the button.” “I want to touch the button.” “But if you press the button, you accept the deal.” “I want to press it.” “You want the deal?” “No. Can I press the button?”
8:27 p.m. Top six values are now off the board. Say, “I like the cases.” No deal.
8:29 p.m. Top 10 values are now off the board. Pick nose on camera. Watch as Howie cringes but valiantly continues play.
8:32 p.m. Seek counsel from Mr. Boop.
8:44 p.m. With only three cases left, banker’s offer now $500. Howie asks, “Deal … or no deal?” Look at Howie and suddenly yell, “Catch me!” Leap into Howie’s arms. Taping pauses while handlers disinfect host.
8:49 p.m. With one model left standing and $1,000 and $75 still on the board, banker’s offer is $200. Ignore exasperated shouts of “Deal!” from audience and pleas from host. Scream, “No deal no deal no deal! I’m on TV!”
8:52 p.m. Open case to reveal $75 prize. Jump up and down and yell, “Yaaaay! A 5, a 5, a 5! I have a lot of money!”
8:54 p.m. Leave set, happily clutching shiny new silver briefcase.