The two major presidential candidates have been running neck-and-neck until today, one leading in the polls one moment, the other inching ahead the next. But now, in the last five minutes, this latest outrageous racist comment / email revelation / report of business ties to a hostile country / fainting spell / literal pressure cooker on 27th Street / tacit acknowledgement that federal taxes are for suckers, has changed everything. We have crossed the rubicon. It’s clear who will win now.
In retrospect, we should have known that this would swing the election. The pay-for-play corruption / tendency to hunker down when feeling threatened / predilection for pissing off Colin Powell / BMI index indicating obesity / adamant refusal of any living being to ever call Sean Hannity, was always there, a snake lurking in the grass ready to strike and sway America towards crucial decision.
The poignant message of a grieving father / Matt Lauer’s fact-checking deficiencies / ill-timed usage of the word “deplorables”, will always be remembered as the moment when “45” came alive. In a sense, the rebounding economy / but not for everyone / 6-foot-tall portrait purchased with charitable donations, symbolizes everything that’s right / wrong / batshit crazy about America.
This trip to Mexico / post convention bounce / unexpected if tepid endorsement / inability to distinguish between a refugee and a confectionery / spectacular popularity of Michelle Obama / description of the NRA as “very, very good people,” may also have helped to convince voters to leave their fence-sitting days behind them. What is certain is that there’s no going back to a tight race now that everyone knows about the retired military officials’ letter / behind-the-scenes Russian interference / existence of the word “braggadocious” / tantalizing prospect of ubiquitous taco trucks.
The Aleppo confusion / Bernie Bro factor / POTUS stump speech / Breitbart scare tactics, means that many of us will probably not bother voting at all, now that the matter of the conspiracy theory / foundation ties / casino debt / FBI investigation / penis size has been put to rest. Particularly as both candidates have struggled to win our trust / made more money in a day than most Americans make in a year / put forward no plan whatsoever to address the $14 trillion national debt, it appears that scores of Americans will likely use November 8th as a day to catch up on their errands, since we know who will win.
Though many of us will never quite understand how Ted Cruz didn’t seem to care about the Kennedy assassination being linked to his father / 18-24 year olds didn’t seem to care about Roe vs Wade being overturned / Jimmy Fallon didn’t seem to care about his Gramercy Park neighbors snubbing him in the elevator, some Americans did appear to concede that the Common Core curriculum / Macy’s / TSA / Debbie Wassermann Schultz / Major League Baseball / Jeb Bush / Charles Koch / Morning Joe / The United States / George Will / Mitt Romney / Megyn Kelly / Rand Paul / ISIS / the mainstream media / The Commission on Presidential Debates / The Republican Party / New Jersey, was a disaster / laughable / kooky / rigged / low energy / hard to watch / a psycho / a total loser / a dummie / pathetic / sad / boring / ridiculous / irrelevant / truly weird / all talk and no action / unacceptable / underachieving / drooling / dopey / sleepy / not looking smart / deeply troubled / divided / incompetent / neurotic / no longer credible / a joke.
As news of the game-changing health crisis / revealed tax returns / failure to smile broke, ten million Americans / residents of Flint, Michigan / 400-pound DNC hacker sitting on a bed / the cast of Broad City / some guy with a bumper sticker that says DON’T JUDGE MY PIT BULL AND I WON’T JUDGE YOUR KIDS applied for Canadian citizenship / immediately started googling “how to impeach the president” / broke down and cried.
Just days ago, it seemed as if by mentioning or not mentioning poverty / tax cuts / the NRA / Delaware / the Mar-a-Lago wedding / Mike Pence / Meatloaf, that the election would come down to the wire. Pollsters / data scientists / geek forecasters illustrating margins of victory with confusing real-time red and blue graphics, were predicting that we’d enter November filled with uncertainty / dread / apocalyptic prophecies, because the polls were too close to call / inexplicably disparate / driving everyone bananas.
But those moments of ambiguity are no longer, and it’s all because of cyberattacks / Paul Ryan / a crying baby / the lawsuit / white males / what happened at that rally / Mormon indifference / a bad hair day / Snifflegate / Rosie O’Donnell / Florida.
While the gender divide / minority vote / silent majority / ex-wives club proved much more critical in this election than anyone could have anticipated, it was always going to be a matter of who could beat the odds / miss the 45-yard field goal / score in sudden death overtime / meld enough cards to beat their canasta opponent. But absolutely no one predicted that in the end he really just couldn’t keep his mouth shut / journalists would start taking their job seriously / she genuinely believed in Jesus.