Donald J. Trump has released a letter from his personal physician attesting that his health is “extraordinary"… The letter made a sweeping declaration in a tone oddly similar to how Mr. Trump talks about himself.” – NY TIMES (12/14/15)
Dr. Gil Hooperman, Dentist
“Mr. Trump’s teeth are spectacular—they really are, folks. They’re naturally self-flossing, brighter than 99% of all known diamonds in the universe, and in my 37 years of practice I have never come across a set of chompers so prepared to make America great again.”
Dr. Flo Fester, Podiatrist
“His feet are callous-free marvels and feel like triple-cream butter to the touch. I’ve donated his toe jam to a local farmer, who has utilized its powers to fertilize the most delicious hothouse tomatoes in the whole entire universe.”
Dr. Harold Harper-Spitz, Ophthalmologist
“Donald Trump’s vision is exactly like his vision for our country: strong, focused, and awesome. He sees over a 100 more shades of orange than the average person and his eyesight is like a combination of an eagle’s and the Six Million Dollar Man’s."
Dr. Beatrix Underhaul, Urologist
“Mr. Trump’s pee stream is rivaled only by Niagara Falls for its sheer force and beauty. This past summer he used his gift to simultaneously power-wash our deck and ward off a pack of coyotes that were attracted to his pungent, virile odor. Take my word for it, people: Mr. Trump’s urinary tract is nothing short of fabulous.”
Dr. Lou Group, Dermatologist
“I often extend Mr. Trump’s remarkably problem-free appointments to gently run my hand over his glowing, supple skin so that its magical oils collect on my fingers, which I then smear on lesser patients who suffer from hideously gross afflictions like eczema, cystic acne, and cold sores. Whatever is left over I keep in vials in a secret vault hidden on the estate of one of my three vacation homes in the Hamptons, which I am 100% sure I will use to one day create a vaccine for all diseases in the known and unknown world.”
Dr. Antoine Delight, Allergist
“Simply standing within a 30-meter radius of Mr. Trump glorious, full-bodied, 100%-real head of hair will eradicate all allergy sufferers’ symptoms. Common allergens—such as dust, pollen, and pet dander—are absorbed by his hair like a magnificent sponge and pummeled to death by his outrageously formidable follicular antibodies. Believe me when I tell you, it’s pretty unbelievable what Mr. Trump’s hair can do. It would make your head spin!"