[Originally published December 13, 2011.]

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“The average pigeon receives more than one hundred pieces of bread from humans per year, despite the fact that they can fly to where the food is. To those of us forced to stay on the ground, this is an act of near-total laziness. Pigeons: They do all they can to do nothing at all.”

Paid for by a raccoon

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“Why do mynah birds talk? They don’t understand a word they’re saying. Humans may find it entertaining, but what kind of bird makes it a priority to serve humans? Birds should sing for themselves and for other birds. A mynah bird is a major problem.”

Paid for by a blackbird

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“We’ve faced many challenges over the years, and each and every time we’ve discovered that courage is the answer. Hyenas don’t understand that. They back down from fights. They play dead. We need to set an example for other animals, and high-strung scavengers aren’t the way to go. Have the courage to stand against the cowardly hyena.”

Paid for by a lion

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“The ocean is home to fish, whales, sharks, and lots of other creatures, including those strange jellyfish that look like underwater kites. There’s room for all kinds. But there’s no room for bears, especially polar bears. When will they learn not to stick their noses where they’re not wanted? We’re tired of teaching them the same lesson over and over again.”

Paid for by an orca

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“Mongooses have consistently betrayed the trust of other animals: for example, the recent hydroelectric power station that displaced hundreds of birds and fish had the backing of more than half of all mongooses. Plus, they giggle when they mate. Is that dignified? They say that a mongoose is not closely related to a weasel, but actions say otherwise.”

Paid for by a snake

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“Pandas are attractive animals. There’s no doubt about that. They are pleasing to the eye. But do we really want to endorse them on the basis of their superficial charms? Pandas are entirely unprepared for life. They often give birth to twins but can take care only of one cub. They have trouble digesting bamboo, which is a staple of their diet. They are prone to obesity. We need capable animals, now more than ever. Intelligence shouldn’t be a dirty word.”

Paid for by a chimpanzee

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“I was always taught that before you criticize someone else, you should look at yourself. So let me admit up front that I’m completely disgusting: there’s not much worse than a cockroach. You know what is worse? The emerald cockroach wasp. They have what some people would call an interesting appearance, with a metallic blue body and red legs, but they reproduce by stinging us and using us as hosts for their larvae, which then consume our internal organs in such a matter that we stay alive just long enough to give them life. That kind of behavior demonstrates a real lack of respect for private property rights, and is also unthinkably gross.”

Paid for by a cockroach