You Call This Kale Salad?
BY MATT HYAMS
[Originally published June 2, 2014.]
Are you serious? You expect me to believe this is kale salad? You think I was born yesterday? Or in 2009? Well, let me tell you, I’ve been around awhile, I’ve seen times and salads change, and this is not a kale salad.
It just looks like mixed greens to me, or some kind of spinach tre coloré. Please, for the love of god, please tell me I’m not eating a goddamn tre coloré salad. What you’ve given me I wouldn’t have eaten in 2005. Maybe in 2004, but still, you can’t just go around pretending you can make a kale salad. You have to put some goddamn roasted pine nuts in there, some plum tomatoes. A little salt and pepper wouldn’t hurt either. Ever hear of lemon juice and olive oil? Ever hear of Parmesan or Pecorino? Well, have you?
Is there even dressing on this thing? You philistine. You coward.
You’re honestly just going to stand there and call this a kale salad? Where are the leafy frayed edges? I’ve had more fiber in a wedge of brie. What kind of waitperson are you to stand behind this impostor? Just following orders, right? If I ordered a Yankee bean soup, would you give me a bowl of oatmeal? What in God’s name am I looking at on this plate??
Let’s get something straight: I’m not just a patron ordering a kale salad and this is not just a restaurant portending to serve a kale salad. This goes way beyond me or this place. A perfect kale salad is why the Berlin Wall came down. It’s why our forefathers fought for independence from the British. Kale is consciousness expanding. You think when Martin Luther King, Jr. had his dream it didn’t involve kale? Come on. Be realistic for once in your life. Of course his dream had kale in it! Haven’t you noticed the direct correlation between spiritual awareness and the rise of kale in recent years? Well, what have you been aware of then? Anything???
Kale represents the new millennium. Kale is shakti. Kale is interracial marriage. Kale is freedom. Kale is life after death. Kale is you, kale is me. I’m OK, you’re OK. Kale is FUCKING OK.
I have read accounts of near-death experiences where the soul followed the white light on the wings of a butterfly and was brought to a heavenly world where peace, joy, and love were the fabric of this universe. The light beings sat the recently deceased soul down for a life review and guess what they served him? That’s right, the sweetest most succulent bowl of kale salad you could ever imagine. And guess what the heaven guides ate while they showed his life review? You bet: a bowl of kale salad so full of love it would blind you if you gazed at it too long. And when this recently deceased soul looked around at all these light beings in this universe of love, what do you think he saw? I’ll tell you, because I read the account, and you don’t know the ending: THEY WERE ALL EATING KALE SALAD! From the goddamn peaceful loving orb in the sky, to the plants themselves: ALL EATING FUCKING KALE SALAD. That’s right, the plants were eating kale! The pulsating dark blue orb of love and all that is and ever will be was eating kale!
I mean, don’t you see!?!
YOU ARE KALE, I AM KALE, THIS WORLD IS KALE, BUT WHAT YOU HAVE SERVED ME IS NOT KALE SALAD. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
Wait… What? This is baby kale? Huh? I didn’t know there was such a thing as baby kale. Interesting. So what you’re telling me is this is kale after all. Well I’ll be. I guess in that case no need to send it back. I’ll eat it. I didn’t know it was kale.
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