Kansas City

Characteristics of local species: Mentally unbalanced, diminutive. Particularly active on the corner of 12th Street and Vine. Lure by filling feeders with Kansas City wine.

Memphis

Conservationists report a barroom queen (Honkus tonkus femina) was found soaked in gin. State environmental officials traced the distilled spirit spill to a leaking party bus used to transport British rock bands on wildlife tours of the South.

San Berdoo to Kalamazoo

All the good women are gone. Bad women remain plentiful in the region.

Winslow, Arizona

Spotted: A girl (Femina flatbed Ford) engaged in an enigmatic courtship ritual with a preening male eagle (Aquila glennfrey). The girl at first appeared won over by the eagle’s laid-back mating cries, but quickly seemed to tire of his lack of a solid plan for the future — “take it easy” won’t put worms on the table, mister! And there would always be the question of those seven other women.

Omaha

Grand Funk Railroad reports a harrowing encounter with four young Chiquitas. Even when immature, this species is dangerous when alarmed by the music of American bands. A congress of frenzied Chiquitas is capable of tearing down an entire hotel.

Boston

Abundant numbers of frustrated women can be found by the banks of the river Charles. Proceed with caution.

L.A.

Contrary to the dire situation in San Berdoo, the L.A. Woman population remains robust. Look for nests in Hollywood bungalows, suburbs, freeways, midnight alleys, topless bars, motels, City of Night, City of Night — pretty much wherever mojo is rising.

Kentucky

Still no additional sightings of the glowing Cardinalus femina first reported by Neil Diamond in 1967. Probably a hoax.

The Sunset Strip, Ft. Lauderdale, and Atlanta

Girls; girls; girls. Common species: Burgundy-lipped Pole-dancer, Red-lipped Flashdancer. Habitat: The Doll House, Tattletails, the Seventh Veil. All species underwent a population explosion in the ‘80s, when an aggressive pride of Motley-Crue Cocks mated with entire flocks of girls in the aforementioned locations. However, numbers fell in the following decades as the Motley-Crue Cocks abandoned their seasonal migration due to vicious squabbles for dominance between alpha males. Also, a couple of them were in bird rehab. There have been more frequent Motley-Crue Cock sightings of late, and conservationists still hold out hope that the senescent flock has one more migration in them.

Uptown

Downtown men await the return of the endangered Yellow-headed Supermodel , rarely seen since it became separated from her mate (Homo piano) sometime in the ‘90s. Younger classic bird fans might not even recognize the Yellow-headed Supermodel should they encounter it. Simply pay close attention to the legs; when walking, they look so fine.