Dear Ultimate-Fighting Referee,

I watched the latest ultimate-fighting pay-per-view with my roommate Karl, and I noticed you seemed a little bored there in the ring. I found it disquieting that, after the perfunctory “Let’s get it on” to start the match, your eyes glazed over and you coasted until the poor Argentinean fighter was beaten unconscious.

Don’t get me wrong: starting the match with a rousing line is important, but you have more in you than that. I know you didn’t get into the referee business just to initiate needless violence. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if you interrupted every once in a while and asked the fighters to cool it a bit before one of them gets seriously injured.

I’ve never actually seen you call a penalty. Are you just there to give the fighters a sense of security? And don’t you think a sense of security might be a little misleading, what with all the kicking, punching, and joint-torquing?

Maybe all these fighters need is a positive male influence and they’d stop with this destructive behavior; egging the fighters on certainly doesn’t seem to be helping them any. If you’re not going to put a stop to all this brutality, it might serve the fighters better if you sat off to the side and did some work for a deserving charity, like stuffing envelopes for the Humane Society or knitting a scarf for the poor.

Kurt W. Rademacher